An Arbitrary Akatsuki Adventure
by SmurfLuvsCookies
Summary: 1. Arbitrary: based on random choice or personal whim, rather than any reason or system. The Akatsuki visits - again - but this time, it will change everything. The third and final epic chapter in my "Ghosts of the Past" series. Read, review, and enjoy!
1. WARNING!

**WARNING!**

**This is a SEQUEL to "Highway to Hell," which is a SEQUEL to "Ghosts of the Past." This, in turn, makes it a THREEQUEL, which is thrice as confusing if you don't read the first two.**

**Yes, I said it.**

**Thrice.**

**And if you haven't read "Ghosts of the Past" and "Highway to Hell," which can be found on my profile, then you should go back and read them or not read this at all. But if you don't read it, you will live a meaningless life filled with misery and woe.**

**Well, maybe not. But y****ou'll miss a lot of laughter, a lot of fun, and a lot of fluff. ****Who doesn't love laughter, fun, and fluff? **

**It's like cotton candy in story form.**

**So if you don't read this, you're a cotton candy hater.**

**SO READ THEM! ALL THREE!**

**I'll also post my disclaimer, since I've got your attention.**

**I don't own Naruto, nor anything affiliated with Naruto. That belongs to Masashi Kishimoto. I don't own the rights to the invention of cotton candy either; that belongs to William Morrison and John C. Wharton. The only things I own are my OCs, which I'm pretty proud of.**

**Enjoy the story, and make sure you review! Or I will find you.**

**Just kidding.**

**Mostly.**


	2. Floppy Ears and Pinatas

**So hi there! Here's the threequel to my "Ghosts of the Past" series! I hope you enjoy it and, as always, you probably shouldn't read this one unless you've read the first two. They can easily be located on my profile. **

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><p><strong>Chapter One: Floppy Ears and Piñatas<strong>

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><p>Jaye relished the feeling of being seventeen.<p>

It really didn't feel any different from being sixteen, but at the same time it was. She was one year closer to eighteen, which meant one year closer to college, and respectively one year closer to the rest of her life. The very thought of college and beyond made her stomach twist, but she didn't like to think about it. Especially not now, when she was supposed to be celebrating. _One thing at a time, Jaye._

And for a procrastinator like herself, it wasn't hard to shift her thoughts to the present.

Which included bashing a silver-haired man upside the head for antagonizing her talking, flying dog.

"Oi!" she exclaimed. "Don't touch my dog or I will fucking smother you with a pillow until you stop kicking."

"Thank you, my Queen," Bear said as Hidan wrinkled his nose and placed the dog on the floor. Bear shot across the room and hid behind Jaye's legs, safely out of Hidan's reach. "I don't take well to being manhandled and assaulted by idiotic tyrants."

"What'd you call me, mutt?"

"I _called_ you an idiotic tyrant, you barbaric neanderthal. I don't think I stuttered."

Hidan's face turned seven shades of angry red, but Jaye promptly ordered him to shut up. And, due to his lack of material gift to present to her on her seventeenth birthday, he was forced to obey. According to Pein, every Akatsuki member was required to do the same until the clock struck midnight, which, thankfully, was only an hour away.

"I would call you a bunch of names too if you molested my ears like that, un," Deidara said, absently tugging his earlobe.

"Is it my fault? His ears got all floppy while we were gone!" Hidan claimed. It was true, to an extent. Bear's ears, which had once been pointy like a German shephard's, had collapsed to look like the rottweiler he got from his father's side.

Jaye tapped her chin thoughtfully. "What if Clari molested your ears, Deidara? What would you do then?"

"That I wouldn't mind."

The girl in question sighed in mock exasperation and shoved her pyro-pervert of a boyfriend. "Shut up. I would never molest your ears, or anyone's ears for that matter. It's disgusting."

"How so?" Jaye inquired.

"Two words: Ear wax."

Hidan scrunched his nose and wiped his soiled fingers on his robe while Bear gave him a smug look, shaking out the new and improved floppy ears that Hidan had violated. Jaye smiled and crossed her arms, looking around the small gathering in the living room. Besides Clari and Lily, whom were always present at her usually meager birthday celebrations, there was the entirety of the Akatsuki, Bear, and Ryan and Seth. She'd never had a party this big before; it made her feel all warm and fuzzy inside, feelings in which she was normally lacking and therefore were probably the reason her birthday celebrations were so minuscule.

"Clari," Lily scolded under the duress of a mouthful of cake. "I'm eating."

"Yeah, we can all see that," Jaye muttered. Her mother narrowed her eyes and dabbed frosting on Jaye's face. Instead of retorting as she normally would, Jaye simply scraped the gelatinous substance off with a finger and tasted it. "Buttercream. Yum."

Clari pointed an accusing finger at Hidan. "He's the one who started it."

"I am not!" Hidan cried. "You lying - "

"Hidan!" Jaye snapped. "Nice words to my cousin."

Hidan grumbled, but said nothing more.

"I think you like ordering Hidan around a little too much, Jaye," Ryan chuckled, nudging her friend in the shoulder. "You guys act like a married couple sometimes. I don't understand why you broke up."

Jaye sighed. She'd explained this to Ryan at least a hundred times. "We weren't actually dating. It was a prank I pulled on Clari so she would beg for my forgiveness and ultimately never ever pull a cruel stunt against me ever again."

"Riiight," Ryan said, conspicuously drawing out the word and winking suggestively. Jaye rolled her eyes; she suspected that she would never get it through Ryan's stubborn, pairing nut skull that she and Hidan were not ever going to go out. Ever.

Then again, Ryan had been right about Clari and Deidara who, only three months ago, no one (except Ryan, and possibly Pein) actually believed would really start dating. It had been a fun topic to joke about at the couple's expense, but everyone had assumed that they would consider the whole "being-from-different-worlds" thing too major an obstacle to surmount. Apparently not, because when they were confronted about it, they simply shrugged and declared that they didn't see any reason for it to be a problem yet. It wasn't like they were serious or anything; they really hadn't even considered the fact that they were going out until Ryan claimed that it was what their behavior suggested. They didn't deny it, they didn't confirm it. It wasn't a sudden, unanimous decision; it was more of a gradual shift. It just happened.

Pein didn't seem to happy about it at first (what father would want their daughter dating an explosion-obsessed criminal who was the cause of the destruction of multiple villages; and from his own gang, no less?) but he seemed used to it now, at the very least. There were times when Deidara did or said something that earned him a lethal glare or a smack on the head, but those moments were becoming fewer and far between. Jaye thought that it was Deidara's pyro-pervert tendencies improving (in public), but soon realized that Pein was becoming less strict or perhaps even less aware.

Lily didn't seem to care at all, since Pein obviously had the "touch-my-daughter-and-I'll-rip-your-testicles-off-whether-you're-my-employee-or-not" parental enforcement position covered. Yet she was still hyper-vigilant when it came to Hidan and Jaye, masking sincere threats behind casual jokes. If Jaye was being honest, she would have admitted that she didn't blame her mother for the caution, considering Lily had caught wind of the accidental shower incident (which she had yet to entirely remove from it's seared spot on the back of her eyelids) and most of the kissing debacles.

Jaye walked over to the closet and rummaged around until she found the metal baseball bat they owned, though none of them had ever played baseball or softball. "Tobi!" she snapped, swinging the metal baseball bat towards the masked man and nearly knocking him on the head. "You go first."

"First for what, Jaye-chan?" Tobi implored, gingerly taking the outstretched bat from her hands.

"The piñata."

"What's a pin-yah-tah?" Kisame asked, looking at the baseball bat with leery eyes. He, being one of the few who actually got Jaye a present, was relinquished from servitude and free to do as he pleased. Itachi, Lily, and Kisame had been smart enough to coordinate and now Kisame's gift, a tiny vegetarian shark by the name of Shark Bait, and Itachi's gift, a scuttling crab they had deemed Sebastian ("You've seen _Finding Nemo_, but you've never seen _The Little Mermaid_?" Jaye gasped when the Akatsuki had looked at her in confusion), were now swimming along with Pablo II in the fishtank Lily had kindly provided.

"You'll see," Jaye answered vaguely. "Let's just say it has to do with candy."

"CANDY!" Tobi roared, hopping around like a madman at the prospect of being rewarded with such a delicious treat. He grabbed Deidara and pulled him towards the backyard door, chanting the word "candy" over and over again with increasing amounts of enthusiasm. The peeved Deidara violently shoved his partner away and whisked the baseball bat from his hands before any of the furniture was destroyed.

"You are so childish, un," he lectured, slinging the baseball bat over his shoulder and looming over Tobi menacingly. "You shouldn't be so excited about something as stupid as candy."

"Move!" Ryan objected, snatching the bat out of Deidara's grasp and marching outside. "I want to beat the crap out of a piñata and eat some freaking candy off the ground!"

"I second that notion," Jaye agreed, heading towards the door.

"Beating the crap out of something sounds fun," Kisame said, standing. "But I think I'll leave the eating candy off the ground to Tobi and Ryan."

"Save some candy for me!" Clari called, racing out the door as Ryan and Tobi mercilessly bludgeoned the defenseless piñata. By the time everyone had migrated outside, candy was already spilling forth from gaping holes in the it's surface. Hidan narrowed his eyes, inspecting the familiar-looking shape of the piñata.

"What the fuck?" he shrieked, jerking the piñata out of Tobi's hands and holding it up for Jaye to witness. "Is that my face, bitch?"

"Yeah, and I was hoping I could get a swing in before Tobi and Ryan maimed you," Jaye sighed in false melancholy, picking up a piece of Hidan's eye off the ground. "I suppose it was my fault for letting them have the first turn. I never should have mentioned the candy."

"How did you get a piñata in the shape of Hidan's face?" Clari asked, frowning down at the scraps of Hidan-colored paper that littered the ground.

"I know a guy."

"I don't understand," Pein said, looking down as Ryan chomped on her pile of candy and Tobi hit Piñata Hidan in the hopes of receiving more. "If you want candy, why don't you go out and purchase some yourself?"

"It's more about wrestling around for dominance; survival of the fittest, you know?" Clari explained, twisting a bit of Tootsie Roll wrapper in her hand. "The most aggressive kid gets the most candy. You don't usually find piñatas at parties for teenagers...at least not ones filled with candy. But I'm not complaining." She popped the chocolate-flavored candy in her mouth and indiscreetly edged away from Hidan, who had reached his limit with the piñata and was now flailing around with the baseball bat in hand.

"It's a ridiculous concept," Pein sighed.

Clari shrugged. "It's fun."

"Hidan, stop swinging that fucking thing around! You're gonna clonk somebody!" Jaye yelled, while staying a good distance away from the dangerous ninja.

"Make me, bitch! It's 12:01, and I don't have to fucking listen to you anymore!" Hidan cheered, smacking the baseball bat on the ground. He raised it in the air and whirled it around his head. Pein sighed and stepped forward, prepared to command Hidan to stop. He swiftly ducked as Hidan swung the bat, narrowly missing Pein's head. He made a grab for it, as the Jashinist was now screeching too loudly for anyone to yell over the bulk of his voice, but missed it.

"Hidan!" he shouted, a rare thing for Pein. "Stop immediately! You're going to hurt someone!"

The words were barely out of his mouth before the bat collided with his temple at full force. He'd attempted to dodge it and nearly succeeded, but was unfortunately not quite quick enough. He collapsed to the ground, hideously still, as Hidan froze mid-swing and stared at the unconscious Akatsuki leader.

"_Hidan!_" Clari screamed accusingly, running over to Pein.

"You killed Leader!" Kakuzu said in awe.

"He did not!" Clari growled, checking Pein's pulse. "He's just unconscious." She gingerly prodded his cranium, biting her lip. She had no idea what to do, or whether she needed to do anything. Were ninjas immune to aluminum baseball bats? She doubted it, but there was no way that Hidan's hit would have killed or permanently disabled Pein in some way...right?

"Move," Zetsu said sternly, turning Pein over so he was laid out flat on the ground. Clari backed away, staring with a mixture of panic and relief. Zetsu would know what to do. The Akatsuki got hurt all the time. It was no big deal.

Kakuzu and Konan rushed over to help him carry Pein into the house. Clari scurried after them, leaping over wrapping paper from Jaye's gifts and unfolding the pull-out couch, cursing vehemently when the leg of the mattress crushed her toe. The others filed in behind her as Kakuzu and Zetsu lowered Pein onto the couch, Konan disappearing into the kitchen to fetch the first-aid kit lest it be needed.

Zetsu got to work, inspecting the grotesque purple lump forming on Pein's head. It was just at the temple, swelled and turgid as if it was eating Pein's brain. He poked and prodded at it, opening Pein's eyes and shining a light in them, snapping in his ears, checking inside his mouth, looking at his reflexes. The others watched in unconcealed awe. The worry in the room was also tangible, oppressing in the tiny space.

"Is he going to be okay or not?" Konan finally snapped when the chilling wave of suspense became to unbearable. Zetsu leaned back and blinked his eyes at her, sighing as he closed the first-aid kit with an audible snap.

"_He's not going to die, if that's what you mean_," his black half retorted bluntly. "I'm not sure how hard Hidan hit him, so I'm not sure just how severely his brain was damaged other than that he has a concussion. We'll have to wait and see until he wakes up, which could be a while. _Hopefully he doesn't take his sweet time about it_."

The tension popped like a bubble.

Jaye shoved Hidan, glaring. "You idiot bastard! You could have killed him!"

"I didn't know he was _right there_!" Hidan defended, relatively flustered in the face of an argument where he was genuinely at fault and everyone knew it. "He shouldn't have been so close to me!"

"You shouldn't have been swinging the bat around like a madman and screeching like a banshee!" Clari said, allying with Jaye. "He was trying to get you to stop so you didn't hurt anybody!"

"You need to learn how to control your fucking temper!" Jaye accused.

"Look who's talking!" Hidan snorted, finally finding firm ground to stand on.

"Are you saying I'm temperamental, bastard?"

"Do you even have to fucking ask, bitch?"

"You haven't seen temperamental yet, but you will if you open your mouth again!"

Hidan stretched his mouth open wide, until his jaw hurt. Infuriated, Jaye pulled back a fist, but Clari caught her elbow before she could punch Hidan. It would have been fatal for her to do so, whether Hidan knew them or not. She shoved Jaye out of the way and grabbed Hidan's ear, steering him out of the room and towards the stairs. She let go of him and pointed towards the attic, which served as his room while he visited.

"_Go_," she hissed, pushing forth as much venom through her blue eyes as she could. "And don't come back down until tomorrow morning. If you do, Hidan, I swear to God _and_ Jashin, I will take that damn bat and beat you to bloody fucking pulp. Got it?"

Hidan rubbed his ear and gave Clari something between a scowl and a grimace, slowly making his way upstairs in more dejection than fear.

Clari turned on her heel, exhaling through her nose and opening her eyes, training them on Jaye. "You," she said, pointing. "You go too. You're too loud."

Jaye blinked and gaped, then scowled. "Make me! That bastard started it and I'm not going anywhere!" She and Clari had a glaring contest, which was undecided considering it was interrupted by Seth clearing his throat.

"Ryan and I are going," he announced, gently nudging Ryan towards the door. "It's pretty late, and it's obvious the party's over. Hope Pein does okay, guys. Sorry about all this."

"Call me as soon as he wakes up!" Ryan demanded, pointing a directive finger at Clari before ducking outside and disappearing as Seth closed the door behind him with a loose two-fingered salute.

"Finally, I don't have to bark or whisper anymore," Bear sighed, stretching his paws. "I like Ryan and Seth, but that is really frustrating. I don't see why we don't just tell them I can talk."

"Right now is really not the time," Jaye muttered, causing her obedient dog to shut his mouth and head upstairs. She shrugged and followed, not too keen on resuming her argument with Clari. Slowly, the others migrated to their rooms as well, awkwardly mumbling things about how hopefully Pein got better and such. Soon it was just Konan, Clari, Zetsu, and an unconscious Pein in the living room.

"I think I'm going to bed too," Clari sighed, stifling a yawn.

"Me too," Zetsu agreed. He looked at the mattress Pein occupied, then at Clari. She turned to find that Konan was staring at her too, and she realized their dilemma; with Pein taking up the pull-out couch, Zetsu had nowhere to sleep. But Zetsu couldn't sleep where Pein usually did, because Pein slept in the same bed with Konan. And Konan and Zetsu sharing a bed was just too weird. He couldn't sleep on the recliner either, as his plant-like appendage was too big.

"Uh..." Clari said, blinking. "Um..."

"I'll sleep on the recliner," Konan sighed, looking at the rickety piece of furniture. "Zetsu can take my bed."

"You sure?" Clari said. "I could sleep there and you or Zetsu could sleep in my room..."

"No, I don't want to kick you out," Konan dismissed, shaking her head. "Besides, I want to be here if Pein wakes up and needs something, you know? Someone has to be down here with him, and it's better me than you."

Clari saw that Konan made a good point, though a painfully blunt one, and resigned. Zetsu made his way upstairs to Pein and Konan's room, strangely enthusiastic about sleeping in an actual bed. Konan grabbed a pillow and a blanket and placed them on the recliner, wiggling around until she found a comfortable position.

"Hey...Konan?" Clari said hesitantly, pausing at the stairs. "If Pein wakes up...will you come get me?"

Konan blinked, and smiled. Despite how lacking their father-daughter relationship was, Clari was still Pein's child and ultimately more worried about him than she was letting on. "Sure, I will. Goodnight, Clari." As Clari walked back up the stairs, Konan curiously pulled the lever to recliner and yelped as her feet flew upward and her head dipped back. She sighed. "This is going to be a long night."

oOoOoOoOo

He blinked through the haze of painkillers. They did nothing. The agony in his head was extraordinary. He reached up and felt the bump forming just beside his temple, about the size of a golf ball. He was on a mattress that was also a couch. A pull-out couch. A home. He was in someone's home.

There was a wide window on one wall, along with a sliding-glass door. On the wall beside that there was some kind of strange rectangular device sitting on a mantle, and an opening to what seemed to be a kitchen. There was a door beside that. There was a narrow recess at the end of which was also a door, and an open stairwell with a plain wooden railing beside the recess. There was a recliner in one corner of the room, and a rocking chair in the other. Someone was sleeping in the recliner. He slipped out of bed and cautiously peered over at the person. She was pretty, with blue hair. She was sleeping peacefully. He hated to wake her up.

But as soon as his shadow crossed her face, she started awake and nearly impaled him with a kunai. Luckily he reflexively dodged it, not even having to think. She gave him a hard glare for a second, then blinked. "Pein?"

"I'm Pein?"

"Um...yeah, you're Pein." The woman stepped closer to Pein, frowning. "Are you okay? How's your head? Hidan hit you pretty hard."

"Who's Hidan?"

The woman stopped. "You know, Hidan. Silver hair, magenta eyes, shirtless, angry, Jashinist? Hit you upside the head with a baseball bat? Uses the word 'fuck' in every sentence?"

"He sounds unpleasant," Pein said.

"He is..." The woman stepped closer to him. She smelled nice. "Pein, do you know who I am?"

"No. Will you tell me? I want to know who you are."

"I'm Konan. We've been together since we were kids. Does that ring any bells?" The woman, Konan, looked at him with concern. She seemed upset. Pein did not want her to be upset, but he did not want to lie to her either.

"No." He looked around. "Where are we?"

"We're at the girls' house. Lily, Clari, and Jaye? Remember them?"

"No, I don't. Why are we at their house?"

"We're visiting. It was Jaye's birthday yesterday. Hidan was swinging around a baseball bat because he was angry at Jaye, and he accidentally hit you on the head with it. Do you not remember any of that?"

Pein shook his head. "How old was she?"

"Jaye is seventeen now."

"She's fairly young." He frowned. "How old am I?"

"Um...twenty-five, I think. I don't really keep track of your age." Konan took a deep breath. "You're the leader of Akatsuki, a criminal organization. There are nine members including you, me, Hidan, Kakuzu, Deidara, Tobi, Zetsu, Itachi and Kisame. Sasori and Orochimaru used to be members too, but they died. You have a daughter, Clari. You live in another world, one which you plan to take over using the Jinchuriki and make a better place. It's your ultimate goal in life. You used to be an Amegakure ninja like me. You don't remember any of this at all?"

"No."

"Stay here," Konan ordered, turning on her heel and marching up the stairs. Pein tracked her progress with his eyes, bringing his attention back to his throbbing head when she disappeared from view. He didn't understand what was going on.

Konan came back, with her a strange man who looked like a plant. She introduced him as Zetsu. Pein recalled that being one of the names she listed for the Akatsuki members.

Zetsu messed around with Pein's head, inspecting his eyes and ears and the bump on his temple. Then he shrugged and sighed, patting Pein's shoulder. "I don't know," he said, looking at Konan sadly. "I don't know what caused him to lose his memory. I can't fix it."

"Can he get it back?" Konan asked.

Zetsu looked at Pein, who stared blankly back. "I don't know."

Konan put her head in her hands. Zetsu sighed, and led Pein back to the pull-out couch. "Maybe if we introduce him to everybody and try to get him to remember things, he'll regain it. I don't know how much, or how fast, or how soon. But we'll try and get his memory back, as soon as possible."

He sat Pein down on the bed and told him to lay. Pein did, staring up at the two faces without even the slightest hint of recognition. "Go to sleep," Zetsu ordered. "Close your eyes, and you'll remember everything tomorrow."

Pein did as he was told, desperately hoping that this strange plant-man was speaking the truth.

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><p><strong>FIRST CHAPTER! Sorry it's kinda short...the story will get better too, I promise. But for now, tell me whatcha think! :)<strong>


	3. Manly Needs and Mangoes

**Chapter Two: Manly Needs and Mangoes**

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><p>"Sooo..." Jaye frowned at Pein, who stared back with a look of complete and utter nonrecognition. "He doesn't remember anything? Nothing at all?"<p>

Konan shook her head. "He didn't even know his own name."

"Hidan, you are such an idiot," Jaye sighed.

"For the hundredth fucking time, I said I'm sorry!"

"What are we gonna do?" Clari asked, glancing at Pein nervously.

"We'll have to stay here until he gets his memory back," Konan explained. "Zetsu said that it might come back all at once, or gradually, or maybe even not at all. But he said the latter is very unlikely."

Zetsu nodded in confirmation. "We also need to test his memory as much as possible to see if it'll get working again. So everybody, line up!"

Everyone did, single-file. Zetsu cleared his throat and looked at Pein. "You are going to try and guess who they are. We haven't told you any of their names. Go at it."

Pein frowned, and pointed to Hidan. "I know who you are. You're the silver-haired, magenta-eyed, angry, Jashinist guy who hit me in the head. Konan told me about you yesterday. You're name is Hidan."

"Right, but that doesn't really count. Guess someone else," Konan said, motioning for Hidan to step out of line.

"Um...I think..." He pointed to Clari. "You must be my daughter."

"You remember me?" Clari said.

"Not exactly...there are only three of you that aren't wearing robes, which I assume are the uniform for Akatsuki. And since those two are obviously related" - he pointed to Jaye and Lily - "then it stands to reason that you must be Clari. Was I right?"

"Yes, but not for the right reason," Konan sighed, jerking a thumb at Clari to get her to sit down. "But it looks like your deductive reasoning skills are still intact. Next."

"You," Pein said, pointing to Jaye. "Are Jaye. Right?"

"Nope, I'm Lily," Jaye said, throwing an arm over the real Lily's shoulders. "This is my daughter, Jaye. I tell her what to do and stuff like that."

Lily shoved Jaye off of her. "Don't confuse the poor man."

"Why do you think she's Jaye, Pein?" Konan asked.

"Because she looks younger than her" - he pointed to Lily - "and you told me that she turned seventeen yesterday. I assumed."

Konan slapped her forehead. "This isn't working," she told Zetsu. "He doesn't remember anybody. He's just going off of what I told him."

"Let him try and guess. Maybe he'll remember," Zetsu shrugged, motioning for Pein to continue.

He didn't get anyone else right. He mistook Kisame for Kakuzu, Kakuzu for Tobi, Tobi for Itachi, Itachi for Deidara, Deidara for Kisame. He couldn't even remember Lily's name. By the end of the exercise, everyone was exasperated and hopeless. Clari left to go make breakfast.

As the pancakes cooked, Pein perked up. "That...it smells familiar," he said, frowning.

"Do you remember anything about it?" Zetsu asked, raising his eyebrows.

"...Peanut butter. And some kind of...whistle?"

Konan snapped her fingers. "Zetsu! Remember the first day we got here and we ate waffles with peanut butter and the phone rang? That's what he must be remembering!"

"Go get the peanut butter," Zetsu instructed. Jaye did, and wafted it under Pein's nose. Nothing. They tried calling the house too, but it only caused Pein to jump. He remembered nothing else.

"Oh, well," Clari sighed, placing the pancakes on the table and watching the Akatsuki flood into the kitchen to get some. "At least it's a start."

oOoOoOoOo

They took Pein training. He didn't know what was going on, nor what he was supposed to do. Jaye and Clari watched from the sidelines, slightly amused as Konan instructed Pein, hoping to reactivate his muscle memory and, therefore, his actual memory. When that didn't work, she led him around the clearing, exposing him to sights, sounds, and smells that he might remember. By the looks of it, he was failing.

"It's kind of funny," Jaye remarked, observing Konan leading him around the clearing. "He's like a lost puppy."

"Those are never words I would have considered using to describe the leader of the Akatsuki," Clari chuckled, despite herself. It was true though; the vacant ninja did look rather like a lost puppy.

"This is all Hidan's fault," Jaye said.

"Yeah, it is," Clari agreed. "I think I have a way to both punish him and fix his anger issues. Yours too."

"I do not have anger issues!" Jaye objected, but was silenced by the look Clari gave her. She crossed her arms. "Okay, maybe a little. So what's your plan?"

Clari grinned. "Anger management classes."

"What? No fucking way! I am not going to anger management classes!" Jaye rejected, shaking her head back and forth. "That's ridiculous!"

"Come on! You could be there for Hidan's support, and you have to admit you could use the classes too. They're at the place where I take that summer art class, so I'll drive you there and drive you back. And Lily already signed you up."

"_What?_" Jaye screeched. "Why the fuck would she do that? She didn't even ask me what I thought! How could you do this to me Clari? How _could_ you?"

Clari patted her cousin's shoulder. "Think of it as an intervention."

" 'Intervention' my ass," Jaye mumbled. "And what if somebody recognizes Hidan? What're we gonna do then?"

"I got it covered," Clari dismissed. "Don't worry about it. Hidan will be unrecognizable by your first class tomorrow."

"Tomorrow?" Jaye cried. "Holy shit! Why didn't you give me more warning?"

Clari shrugged. "Lily wanted me to not tell you at all. She was going to make me trick you into thinking it was a late birthday surprise. I didn't think that was fair, so I'm warning you now."

"What about Hidan? Does he know?"

"Nope, or else he won't go. So don't tell him."

"I won't," Jaye promised, perking up a bit. "I wanna see the look on his face when he realizes where we're really going. Hopefully he doesn't go berserk."

"I've got a taser just in case," Clari said.

"When exactly did you acquire a taser?"

"After Lily told me I was driving you guys to the anger management classes. And no, you can't borrow it."

"You know me too well."

They walked back to the house an hour or so later, all the Akatsuki worn out. Pein said he vaguely recalled something about camping, but that was it. Clari informed him that he had gone camping with them twice.

Jaye went to work, the Akatsuki watched TV, Clari made lunch, and Deidara bothered Clari as she did so. It was the usual routine, so it was easy to believe that nothing was wrong. Still, Clari felt a knot in her stomach. Pein was getting vague remnants of memories, but he really wasn't making any progress. What if that was all he ever got: shadows of forgotten memories? _Then again_, Clari thought, trying to reassure herself. _It is only the first day_.

Deidara's bloodcurdling shriek jerked her out of her reverie.

She jumped and nearly spilled boiling water all over herself, giving the blonde artist a bewildered look. He had leapt onto the counter, clutching his heart and searching the floor for something.

"Deidara, what the hell?" Clari gasped, trying to get her heartbeat to slow. "You scared the crap outta me."

"Yo, what's going on in there? Is Deidara raping you or something, Clari?" Kisame called, followed by barks of laughter from the rest of the Akatsuki.

Deidara ignored them. "Th-there was something on my foot, un. It ran across my foot and over there, I swear."

Frowning, Clari ducked down under the counter and the table, in search of the mysterious creature Deidara had described. She found nothing. "Are you sure? I don't see anything."

"Yes, I'm sure," Deidara said, straightening his clothes and attempting to regain his dignity. "I'm a trained ninja, Clari, I think I would know if something crawled across my foot."

"Do you know what it is?"

"...No," Deidara admitted.

"Then I guess you're not as trained as you thought," Clari said smugly. "Go get me the spaghetti noodles from the pantry, will you?"

Mumbling under his breath, Deidara retrieved the pasta. "When did I become your bitch, un?" he said, pouting as she poured the noodles in the water.

"When you screamed like a little girl," Clari answered, stirring the spaghetti.

"I did not scream like a little girl. It was too sexy for that."

"Kisame thought _I_ had screamed, Deidara."

"It at least qualifies as a damsel in distress scream, un."

"Fine, you've been promoted from little girl to damsel in distress," Clari said, mixing hamburger in with spaghetti sauce. "Does that make you feel better?"

"A little bit."

Rolling her eyes, Clari called the others in for lunch.

oOoOoOoOo

When Jaye went to to feed her fish, she discovered what had caused Deidara's outburst. She bolted into the living room, holding out her hands and demanding, "Nobody move!"

"What?" Clari said, unfazed.

"Sebastian's gone missing! I must have left the tank open and he crawled out. Everybody needs to search for him before he gets stepped on or dies in some other horrific way."

Clari sighed and got up, urging the others to do so as well. Soon they were all searching for the elusive crustacean, turning the whole house upside-down. They searched every crevasse and corner, under couches and beds, in sinks and cabinets, but Sebastian was nowhere to be found.

"We might have to continue this search tomorrow," Konan yawned, checking the clock. It was already close to midnight.

"Konan," Jaye said, looking at the female Akatsuki member with exasperation. "Do you really want a crab scuttling around the house unsupervised all night? What if he crawls in your bed and pinches your nose off? Or what if you step on him on your way to the bathroom? Then what?"

That encouraged everyone to keep searching.

"I'm gonna go check outside," Clari said, though she doubted that she would be able to find the crab if he did somehow make it out there.

"I'll come with you," Deidara said, ushering her out the doorway.

Jaye rolled her eyes. "Typical."

"I just wanna make sure she's safe outside, un," Deidara said, offended.

Clari snorted. "What're you gonna do, scream like a siren until someone comes to save me?"

"That hurt," Deidara said, pointing to his heart. "In here."

"Whatever, let's just go make sure the stupid crab didn't escape."

Deidara pondered this. "You know, generally people don't go looking for crabs."

"Ew. That's all I have to say."

Soon after they disappeared outside, everyone heard a horrendous screech from Hidan. "Damn, what is with you guys and screaming like little girls?" Jaye remarked, choking down a laugh.

"If he's screaming, that probably means he's found the crab," Pein pointed out.

Jaye perked up and rushed upstairs, where Hidan's scream was coming from. He burst from the bathroom, Sebastian clinging to his finger by his claws. Hidan's face was purple with rage and agony. "GET THIS FUCKING THING OFF OF ME!" he shouted, wagging Sebastian around.

"STOP SHAKING HIM OR HE'LL DIE, BASTARD!" Jaye yelled, trying to get Sebastian from Hidan's finger.

"IT HURTS!"

"TAKE IT LIKE A MAN!"

She finally grabbed a hold of his wrist and, not quite expecting the force at which Hidan was flailing his arms, was flung to the side and hit the wall. Hard. She sat up and glared at Hidan, who was too preoccupied with Sebastian to notice. "GET IT OFF, GET IT OFF!"

Pein finally sighed and walked up to him, ducking Hidan's blows. He hit Hidan's head, causing him to collapse on the ground. The crab let go and tried to scuttle away, but Kisame caught it and calmed it back down, stroking it's back and muttering to it. He looked up to find everybody staring at him. "What?"

"That's..." Konan said, trailing off.

"..._As creepy as me and my pet cactus_," Zetsu finished for her.

Jaye blinked. "You have a pet cactus?"

"Yes, her name is Sachi and she is lovely."

"I remember now..." Pein muttered, getting everyone's attention. "I remember Hidan hitting me on the head with the bat...at Jaye's birthday party. He was upset about...about something...I don't remember what."

"Good!" Konan said, beaming.

"You basically did the same thing then as you did now, only you weren't quick enough," Jaye said, walking over and kicking Hidan in the head. "How hard did you hit him? We don't need another case of amnesia."

"I didn't hit him. It was just a pressure point."

"Sweet. Can you teach me that?"

"Sure." Pein reached over and pinched a spot on her neck, causing her to swoon and collapse on top of Hidan. The others stared at them for a while. Kisame stepped over them to put Sebastian back in his tank.

"How long will they be like that?" Kakuzu asked.

Pein shrugged.

It was silent.

"I say we go watch some TV," Itachi suggested. The others murmured agreements and migrated downstairs to their beloved form of entertainment. Kisame joined after he washed his hands as Konan instructed.

"Should Tobi tell Deidara-senpai and Clari-chan that Sebastian-chan has been located?"

"No, Tobi, not unless you want to be scarred for life."

oOoOoOoOo

"We are never going to find that damn crab!" Clari hissed, scanning yet another patch of grass with her flashlight.

Deidara rolled his eyes. "You didn't really expect to find him out here, did you?"

"Not really, but I figured it was worth a shot. I don't expect him to be found, period."

"Then why are you still looking?"

"So Jaye can't lash out on me every time we watch _Spongebob Squarepants_," Clari said, narrowing her eyes at a rock that was Sebastian-shaped. "I can hear her now: 'I used to have a crab like that, until _someone_ decided they didn't wanna look for him anymore and let him get lost.' "

"That's a scary impersonation, un. You got her voice exactly right."

"Thank you, I try."

They searched the yard in silence for a while more, listening to the crickets chirp. Clari found it almost relaxing, if not for the obnoxious mosquitoes buzzing around her. Deidara slapped one on his arm, disgusted. "Your mosquitoes are bigger than ours, un."

"I know, it's gross. I hate mosquitoes."

"Me too. That's one thing I refuse to sculpt." Deidara slapped another one. "I'm allergic, you know. I could spontaneously combust at any moment."

"I don't think allergies make you spontaneously combust," Clari said, rolling her eyes. "If that were the case, Itachi would be in huge trouble with Bear in the house. You know he still sneezes sometimes when he's around?"

"Really, un? I thought Zetsu gave him those pills."

"He did, but I guess Bear triggers his allergies if he doesn't take them right away."

"Huh."

"Yeah. Itachi has a weird sneeze. It kind of sounds like a car horn."

"Interesting, un."

"I thought so," Clari said, turning on her heel and shining the flashlight in Deidara's face. He leapt back, blinking, just as she knew he would. She grinned, fairly pleased with herself. "What are you doing? We are looking for Sebastian, Deidara. Focus."

"I _was_ looking for Sebastian. I thought I saw him beside you and I didn't want him to startle you."

"Not everybody screams like a damsel in distress when they see a him."

Deidara sighed. "Are you ever gonna let that go?"

"Probably not," Clari said.

"This is just like the damn bomb-in-your-room thing, un."

They heard someone shriek from inside the house. The screaming continued for a few seconds, then went conspicuously silent. If Clari didn't know any better, she would have said someone (if it had been a few octaves lower, it could've been Hidan) had just been murdered.

"I think they found Sebastian," Deidara said. "And someone else screamed. So there. It's not just me."

Clari rolled her eyes and clicked off the flashlight. "I guess we'd better go back inside."

"We don't _have_ to, un," Deidara said. Clari saw the white flash of his wide grin in the dark. "They don't know we heard them. We could still be looking for the crab."

"Would you believe me if I said I didn't feel like kissing?"

"No, because you're kissing me and everybody wants to kiss me."

Clari considered this. "Including Tobi?"

"...That's just wrong, un. You've completely ruined the mood."

"There honestly wasn't much of a mood to begin with."

Deidara sighed. "Claribel, you are so cruel."

"Did you seriously just call me by my full name?"

"I am a guy," Deidara continued, as if she hadn't spoken. "And I have _needs_."

"Well I know that. You need air and food and water and hairgel and whatnot," Clari said.

"I don't use hairgel, un," Deidara said, flipping his hair. "This is all natural. But that's not what I'm talking about."

"Are you saying you don't need those things?"

"No, I do," Deidara admitted, "but I need other stuff too. I'm talking about manly needs. Things that my woman needs to provide for me."

Clari raised an eyebrow. "Your woman?"

"Yes. And, since you are my woman at the moment, you need to fulfill your womanly duties and satisfy my manly needs. Do you see where I'm going with this?"

"I think I do, but I'm not sure you're going to like how it turns out."

Deidara held up a hand. "Okay, let me start over then. Do you want me to profess my undying love to you? Present you with flowers dressed up as a knight in shining armor? What?"

"No, that's old news. We already did that crap at the skating rink," Clari said, turning the flashlight over in her hands thoughtfully. "But there is something you can do for me. A favor."

"What, un?"

"I need you to hold Hidan down tomorrow so I can dye his hair and force colored contacts onto his eyeballs."

Deidara paused. "That's an odd request. I'm not sure if I can accomplish such a task without some kind of motivation. I dunno...something like cash or clay or maybe - "

Clari stood on her toes and gave him a quick kiss.

"Hmmm..." Deidara said, tapping his chin. "I think I might be able to do it. Possibly."

Clari rolled her eyes and stood on her toes again, wrapping her arms around his neck and pulling him down for a deeper kiss. He grabbed her waist and pulled her closer, pressing his mouth more firmly to hers to keep the kisses from being so short and fleeting. She felt her knees go weak and the flashlight slip from her fingers, hitting the ground with a thump. "M'kay," Deidara breathed after a while. "I'll do it, un."

"That wasn't so difficult, was it?" Clari sighed between kisses, smiling in the dark as Deidara bent down to pick up the flashlight she'd dropped.

"It _was_ though," Deidara said dramatically, handing it back to her. "You're asking me to go against my comrade in battle. That's breaking some kind of ninja law, un."

"You break ninja laws all the time," Clari pointed out.

"But this is one of the sacred, unspoken ones. 'Never go against your teammate for a girl,' or something like that."

"Kind of like bros before hoes?"

"That's not a nice way to think of yourself, Clari. But essentially, yes."

Clari smiled, grabbing his hand and leading him towards the house. "Well, I promise that if you do a good job, I'll make it worth your while."

"And what could you possibly do to make it worth while, un?"

"I'm going to show you something that no one else has ever seen before," Clari said mystically.

Deidara's eyebrows shot up. "Oh, really? What, exactly, are you going to show me?"

"My newest painting. I'm almost done with it."

"Nice. I can't wait, un."

oOoOoOoOo

Later that night, Pein and Konan stood at the foot of the bed, staring at their respective sides. Usually the evening ritual wasn't uncomfortable, but with Pein's recent lapse in memory Konan realized that she would have to explain the whole "sharing a bed" thing once more, a task to which she was not keen. Pein was the one who made awkward situations easy again, not her.

"So we have to share a bed," Pein said, deducing this from the one mattress and the expression on Konan's face.

"Yes," Konan said, glad that Pein had started the conversation.

"...But don't only married couples do that?"

"No," Konan said. "Not always, I mean. We're...there was only one mattress, and since it's big enough for both of us...we kind of got stuck with it. But it doesn't mean...I mean...we don't..."

Pein held up a hand. "I understand."

"Thank you," Konan said, breathing a sigh of relief.

Pein prodded at the blanket. "What is that?"

"A blanket."

"No, I know that. I mean the design. Is that...a mango?" Pein peered at the mysterious design. Konan squinted at the small orange-red smudge. There were more clusters of orange, fruit-like designs on the otherwise white blanket. She frowned.

"I don't know...I've never really looked at it..." Konan said. "They do look like mangoes, don't they?"

"I think I like mangoes," Pein said.

Konan nodded. "You do."

They stared at the bed awkwardly for another minute.

"Um...I'm going to go brush my teeth," Konan said, ducking out the door.

Pein nodded vigorously, rubbing his flushing neck.

oOoOoOoOo

Lily walked into a complete mess when she came home. She looked around with wide eyes, depositing her heels at the door where they normally went and setting down her bag in a gesture of defeat.

"Hello, Lily," Itachi said, watching TV as if nothing was amiss.

"Why is it," Lily began, flopping down on the couch in amazement, "that every time I come home, my house is a mess? It was clean when I left. I could've sworn it was."

"Sebastian got out of his tank, so everyone was looking for him," Itachi explained.

"And no one bothered to clean up after you were done?"

"I think Clari would have, but she was outside with Deidara."

Lily pinched the bridge of her nose between her thumb and forefinger. "And why were they outside?"

"They claimed they were looking for Sebastian. Hidan found him in the bathroom, by the way."

"I'm going to bed," Lily announced, giving the house one last look. "And when I wake up tomorrow morning, this is all going to be a dream."

"That's what Clari said when she came inside."

Lily groaned, forcing herself off the the comfy couch and shuffling upstairs to her room. She passed an unconscious Jaye and Hidan in the hallway. She stopped and sighed. "Itachi?" she called.

"Yes?"

"Why are Jaye and Hidan laying in the middle of the hallway, unconscious?"

Itachi considered this. "No one felt like moving them to their respective rooms."

"You're all lazy bastards, you know that?" Lily accused.

"Well," Itachi called, still having the conversation from his position on the couch, "are _you_ going to move them?"

"Hell no. I'm going to bed."

"Then it stands to reason that we aren't the only lazy ones here."

Lily shrugged. "_Touché_."

* * *

><p><strong><em>Touché - <em>an expression borrowed from French used 1) to admit that an opponent in an argument has made a good point. 2) when someone has said a good comeback line. 3) to concede a point to an opponent when fencing.**

**Another rather short chapter, but a bit funnier. It's kind of setting up for the next one, if you can't tell. Anger management classes, tasers, hair dye...it's all in the next chapter. :) **


	4. Tally Marks and Chaps

**If you're getting an alert and you've already read this chapter...I'm sorry. I really can't explain! DX Well, I can, but it'd take a really long time so...let's just leave it at this:**

**Evil viral dwarves snuck into my computer and deleted this chapter.**

**That's not exactly what happened, but it's the short version. So if you're getting an alert and you've already read this chapter, then blame the imaginary evil viral dwarves. They suck.**

**Also, the ending is slightly different since I kind of rushed it the first time. Enjoy! :D**

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter Three: Tally Marks and Chaps<strong>

* * *

><p>Hidan had been sleeping peacefully after a long, stressful night of sacrificing himself. He expected to sleep until noon, wake up to a breakfast made by Clari's expert hands, and enjoy a long, relaxing day of television with his criminal organization. It was a fairly modest plan, but he didn't mind. After all the work Leader had been squeezing out of him, he thought he deserved a little bit of a vacation.<p>

He did not get to sleep until noon, and he did not wake up to a delicious breakfast. At exactly 9:30am, just four hours after his head hit the pillow, he was jerked awake to Deidara and Kakuzu grabbing him and dragging him into the bathroom, wide, sadistic grins on their faces as they did so.

"What the fuck?" Hidan screamed, thrashing about. "What're you doing, you fucking bastards? Let me the fuck go!"

"Terribly sorry, Hidan, but I'm getting thirty dollars for this," Kakuzu said, dodging a kick.

"Who the fuck - ?" Hidan began, but they shoved him into the bathroom and he saw exactly who had the nerve to entice the two Akatsuki to turn on him. Clari sat on the rim of the bathtub, tapping her fingers on the top of a box of hairdye.

"Hello, Hidan," she said, smiling. "How nice of you to join us."

"What. The. Fuck?"

Clari jerked her head towards the sink. "Hold him down."

Hidan struggled in vain as Deidara and Kakuzu each pinned an arm to the counter and tried to hold his head still as Clari opened the hairdye and stepped closer. "If it counts for anything, it wasn't my idea," she said before puttting the rag over his eyes.

oOoOoOoOo

Jaye's eyes popped open when she heard the screams.

"No, get the fuck away from me! Ah, you bitch! You poked me in the eye!"

"If you would just stay still you wouldn't have that problem!"

She cursed under her breath. Today was the anger management class; one which she had no inclination of going to. Hidan was just going to have to suffer it alone. All she had to do was disappear for a little while and endure her mother's and Clari's wrath...

The door to her room burst open, causing Bear to stand in attention. He huffed when he saw the intruder. "What do you want?" the dog yawned, flopping back down onto the mattress.

"Clari-chan wants to see Jaye-chan before she 'runs off and tries to hide,' " Tobi said, adding quotes around the last words. He tilted his head. "What is Jaye-chan hiding from?"

Jaye grumbled, kicking the covers off and stomping out of the room. _Dammit Clari_, she thought. _You really do know me too well_. She tried running for it, but Tobi caught her by the waist and hoised her onto his shoulder.

"Put me down!" she demanded, kicking vigorously.

"Tobi is sorry, Jaye-chan," Tobi said. "But Clari-chan said that she needed you upstairs and that if you tried to run away that he was supposed to catch you and bring you back."

They arrived to the bathroom, where Deidara and Kakuzu had Hidan held down as Clari finished putting in the colored contact. Jaye hmphed as Tobi put her down in front of them.

"I figured you would try to run," Clari said, smirking. "You're not getting out of this."

"Out of what?" Hidan roared, rubbing his eyes. Jaye gaped, because he actually looked...normalish. His silver hair was dyed a carrot orange, and his eyes were a pale green. Clari had penciled in freckles on his face.

"Oh my God!" Jaye exclaimed, blatantly pointing and laughing. "You're a ginger!"

"What the fuck did you just call me, bitch?"

"I thought you might get a kick out of that," Clari chuckled.

"WOULD SOMEONE TELL ME WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?" Hidan screeched.

"No," Jaye said. She looked around at the audience, glaring at each of the Akatsuki in turn. "I can't believe you would betray me for Clari. I'm hurt."

Clari dug around in her pocket and handed Kakuzu some crumpled bills. He counted it, nodding and walking away with a satsfied expression. She reached into her other pocket and pulled out a lollipop, which she presented to Tobi with his usual phrase of praise. Jaye crossed her arms and grumbled, glaring at the ground. Damn Clari.

"Ready?" Clari said, looking pointedly at Hidan.

"FOR WHAT?" he cried.

"You'll see when we get there," Jaye dismissed, clawing her fingers through her hair. "Let me get dressed and then we'll leave."

Ten minutes later, after Clari caught Jaye trying to climb out the window of her room, the four of them got into the car and went on their way.

"Why, exactly, is Deidara coming with us?" Jaye inquired, turning to scowl at the traitor.

"To make sure that Hidan doesn't go too crazy," Clari said, adding an irritated, "And he found out about my art class and said he wouldn't help if he couldn't join."

Jaye harumphed, looking out the window dramatically. Figures Deidara would be the only person to do Clari in on her otherwise flawless plan.

They pulled up to the recreational center, which, along with options for hobbies like Clari's summer art class, they had "personal growth and realization" classes; like anger management. Hidan stopped as they got out of the car, finally too exasperated with them to go on. "TELL ME WHAT THE FUCK WE'RE DOING!" he ordered.

Clari sighed. "You and Jaye are going to anger management class. Deidara and I are going to an art class."

"Anger management?" Hidan blinked, his face becoming pale. Then it became purple, a sequence of colors that shouldn't have been at all healthy. "YOU'RE MAKING ME TAKE FUCKING _ANGER MANAGEMENT_? LIKE HELL I'M GOING IN THAT BUILDING! I'LL WALK HOME IF I HAVE TO, BUT THERE IS NO FUCKING WAY - "

Deidara stepped forward to stop the potentially dangerous tyrade from progressing any further. Clari placed a hand on his arm, causing him to pause. "I got this," she said, calmly reaching into her purse and, without a word or epression, pointing a black gun-like mechanism at Hidan.

She pulled the trigger and they watched as a black blur shot out and hit the Jashinist. He fell to the ground, convulsing profusely. Clari let go. "Do I need to shock you again, or are you gonna behave?"

"What the fuck - ?"

Clari pulled the trigger again, rendering a seizing Hidan incapable of speech.

"I'm tired of this bullshit," she said, watching as the wide-eyed ninja gasped for air, trying to find the black square and remove it. "Every time you get upset you act like a spoiled little kid, and you're gonna hurt someone. Hell, you've already hurt someone. What if Pein never gets his memory back, huh? What's gonna happen then? You need to think about your actions before you act. This class'll help you do it."

"Bitch," Hidan wheezed, rising to his knees. He lunged at her. She impulsively stepped back, but had the sense to pull the trigger. He collapsed at her feet, jerking in sync with the currents of electricity coursing through his body.

Jaye chuckled. "I think you should just give up."

"Seriously," Deidara agreed. "You're no match for her taser."

"Fine," Hidan mumbled into the asphalt. "I'll do the stupid fucking class."

"That's what I thought."

Clari ensured that Hidan and Jaye actually attended the class, walking the both of them all the way to the doors and even escorting them into the classroom, keeping the taser in close range in case they tried to make a run for it. Jaye felt absurdly like a prisoner, and Clari felt like her warden.

They arrived to a circle of chairs and a smiling, aging woman. Jaye could tell that she was going to hate it already.

"Hi," the woman said, padding over to them. "I'm Mrs. Joy."

"Hello," Clari said pleasantly, discreetly stuffing the taser back into her purse. "I'm Clari, and this is Jaye and Hidan. They'll be attending your class."

"Excellent!" Mrs. Joy exclaimed, clapping. "I love new people. You two can come sit down wherever you'd like."

They made their way to the circle of chairs, where a brooding woman with feiry red hair and a man with multiple tattoos sat. Clari tapped on Mrs. Joy's shoulder. "Um, I know this is kind of a strange request, but if they don't happen to show up for another class would you call us? They're not exactly happy with the arrangement."

"Sure, I'll do that," Mrs. Joy nodded. Clari and Deidara exited the room to go to their art class.

Jaye and Hidan simmered as others began to arrive. Most were younger, and not all of them looked as if they should be there. There was a beefy football player and a cheerleader, a Goth couple, a pair who were sitting back to back and glaring at each other over their shoulders. Something began to dawn on Jaye as the people filed in, something horrible. "Oh, no," she said, tugging on Hidan's sleeve. "Hidan, I think this is - "

"Hello everyone!" Mrs. Joy interrupted, beaming at them. "Welcome to couple's anger management counciling!"

And so began the downward spiral of doom.

oOoOoOoOo

Clari's art class didn't start for another fifteen minutes, so she and Deidara wandered along the halls, taking their sweet time to get to the room across the expanse of the building.

"Are you sure you wanna do this?" Clari inquired for the hundredth time, shuffling her feet as they looked at the displays in the hallway. "You can wait in the car...with the radio...and air conditioning..."

Deidara crossed his arms and glared at her. "Why don't you want me to go, un?"

"I didn't say that...I'm just saying you might not enjoy it."

"It's an _art_ class, Clari," Deidara scoffed.

"Yeah, I guess," Clari sighed, admitting defeat.

"Why are you trying so hard to get me not to go?" Deidara persisted. "You got a secret boyfriend or something I don't know about, un?"

"No!" Clari said, flushing.

"Secret girlfriend? 'Cause, you know, I'd be kinda okay with that."

Clari snorted, shoving him. "You're revolting. Don't make me taze you."

"Then what is it?"

Clari sighed, rubbing the back of her neck. "Well...our teacher is kind of...odd."

Deidara raised an eyebrow. "Odd how?"

"Well...you'll see."

They finally turned and made their way to the class, where there were hardly any people. "Only five or six people take the class," Clari explained, padding towards her easel. Deidara looked around appreciatively, nodding at the many sculptures and paintings with approval.

The teacher bounded towards Deidara, and it became evident exactly why Clari had warned him.

Clari's art teacher was gay.

And not just simply "I like other males" kind of gay. The kind of gay that made you wonder if the person in question crapped rainbows. He sported a slick ponytail, a V-neck, tied-dyed shirt, black skinny jeans, and a man purse.

Deidara noticably blanched.

"Hey, Clair-bear," the teacher said, bumping hips with Clari.

She blushed, slapping her forehead as Deidara tried not to laugh. "Please, don't call me that."

"Sorry, it's just so catchy," the teacher shrugged, turning to Deidara. "Who's this?"

"My...friend, Dave."

Deidara gave her a look, abashed that she was still using such a lame alias. Also, _friend_? Friend was all he got?

"I'm Biggs," the art teacher said, nodding. "Are you an artist too?"

"Sculpting, mostly, but I do some other stuff, un."

"We're doing painting right now, but if you don't want to then I can think of another job for you," Bigs suggested, nudging Deidara with his elbow.

"I'm good, I think I'll just paint," Deidara said, edging away uncomfortably.

Biggs shrugged and walked away to greet another of his students. As he wandered out of earshot, Deidara erupted into laughter. Clari glared at him. "Don't even start."

"Clair-bear?" he guffawed, throwing back his head.

"Shut up! It's an unfortunate nick-name derived from clever rhyming schemes and my tendency to shift hair color," Clari objected, tugging at her now green streaks. "So don't start. And I swear if you call me that, if that even _leaves this room_, I will rip out all of your tongues and set them on fire."

"Okay, okay," Deidara chortled, regaining some composure. He fell into another fit when he couldn't resist adding a "Clair-bear" at the end and suffered a sharp slap from Clari.

"Class, today we're painting a person," Biggs said, standing in the middle of the classroom. "Now, who wants to model?"

No one raised their hands. They all knew that modeling would not bode well, as Biggs randomly chose students if there were no volunteers. Why he didn't just model himself was beyond Clari's comprehension, but she decided that she wasn't going to question it.

"How about..." he made a circle, looking at each of the students in turn. Clari ducked behind her easel. Modeling was one thing that she didn't want to endure again.

But, luckily, he didn't point to Clari. He pointed to the person directly to the right of Clari. "Dave," he said, pointing to Deidara with a wink. "Since it's your first day, you can be our model."

"Shit," Deidara said.

"Don't worry, it's fun," Clari snickered, watching as Deidara reluctantly followed Biggs into the back room. The five students immediately fell into muttering. As usual, Clari kept to the sidelines but listened in like the nosy eavesdropper she was.

"I wonder what he's gonna make him wear this time?"

"He's kind of cute...I bet Biggs is gonna make the moves on him."

"I thought he was a girl..."

"Do you think he's gay too?"

They all turned to Clari, who was pressing her lips together to keep from laughing. "Hey, Clari," one girl called. "Dave is your friend right?"

"Yeah."

"Is he gay? 'Cause Biggs seems like he's gonna hit on him."

They were interrupted by the arrival of Biggs, who had a self-satisfied smirk. "Well, ladies and gentleman," he said, gesturing to the only other guy in the class besides Deidara, "here is your model for today."

Deidara stepped out, and Clari couldn't contain her laughter.

He wore a cowboy hat, and a bandanna over his face (Clari could see just by his eyes that he was seething), a plaid shirt tucked into a belt with a flashy cow-horned buckle and two gun holsters (they were, thankfully, empty), blue jeans under chaps (yes, chaps) and cowboy boots. A lasso completed the entire ensanble, something that Deidara seemed to be resisting using. He also kept on his fingerless gloves, though Clari had no idea how he had managed to convince Biggs to keep them.

"I was feeling Western today," Biggs explained, giving a flushing Deidara a thorough once-over with his eyes. Clari had to turn away and double over to keep from erupting into laughter, her shoulders shaking from the effort of keeping silent. The others seemed equally impaired.

"Go stand over there," Biggs continued, as if nothing was amiss. "And pose like a cowboy."

"How the hell am I supposed to know what a cowboy poses like?" Deidara snapped.

"I don't know, you're the artist. Use your imagination."

Deidara growled and shuffled over to the front of the room, striking a pose in which he looped the lasso around his arm and jammed both thumbs into his beltloops, attempting to look tough and menacing. Clari's hand shook with contained giggles as she dipped the paintbrush into the paint. She had to pause to cover her chuckles when she began, causing Deidara to glare at her. But finally, she managed to pull herself together and start on her painting.

oOoOoOoOo

"Now, there are a few rules in my class," Mrs. Joy began, smiling. "Number one: there is no swearing. Keep it rated G. If I hear you swearing, I will give you a tally on this sheet" - she held up a clipboard with each of their names written on it - "and the number of tallies represents the amount of compliments you have to give to your respective partner."

"Wait," Hidan interrupted, scowling. "You're saying that if I say one fucking cuss word I have to compliment _that_?" He jerked a thumb at Jaye.

Mrs. Joy marked a tally beside his name.

Jaye slapped the back of his head. "Bastard, just shut up and listen to the fucking teacher."

Mrs. Joy marked two tallies beside her name.

"Make me, bitch! And don't touch me!"

That earned Hidan another tally.

Jaye extended her finger and poked his arm. "What're you gonna do now, bastard?"

A third tally for Jaye.

"I can't beleive you just crossed the fucking line," Hidan said, gesturing where said line would be if it actually existed. "You crossed the fucking line, and now you're going to burn in hell. You're gonna be smited by Jashin."

Mrs. Joy counted three, and placed the tallies beside their respective name.

"Well," she said before Jaye could reply. "Jaye has to give Hidan three compliments, and Hidan as to give Jaye five compliments."

"What the fuck?" they exclaimed simultaneously.

"Now it's four compliments and six compliments."

"That's - " Hidan started, but Jaye slapped a hand over his mouth and grinned at Mrs. Joy.

"Please, continue," she said.

"Thank you very much, Jaye!" Mrs. Joy cooed. "Rule number two: no physical contact of any kind during class unless otherwise instructed."

Jaye quickly removed her hand.

"Rule number three: no yelling, screaming, screeching, shrieking, or shouting of any kind. We will all talk in calm, soothing voices." Mrs. Joy smiled at them, clapping her hands together. "Great. With everyone's full cooperation, I think we'll be able to improve all your relationships and give you a happier life."

Most of the people rolled their eyes or openly snorted. Jaye was one with the skepticism, returning Hidan's sneer. If it wasn't for him, she wouldn't even be in the stupid class.

"Now, let's start with how you all got here," Mrs. Joy said. She turned to Hidan. "Since you're our leading potty-mouth, why don't you start us off?"

"I...uh...I hit someone over the head with a baseball bat and gave them amnesia," he admitted, rubbing the back of his neck.

Mrs. Joy blinked. "Oh...well...Jaye, what about you?"

"I'm here because this guy decided he needed to go on a rampage and drag me into it. I wouldn't be here at all if it weren't for him and my family's 'intervention,' " Jaye said.

"Blame all your problems on me," Hidan muttered sarcastically, making a face and raising his voice an octave. " 'Oh, I'm in this class because you hit someone on the head' and 'It's your fault my cousin tazed you' and 'I woke up on the floor with you because Pein decided to try that pressure point thing on the both of us since you started an argument.' "

"W-well..." Mrs. Joy stuttered. In all her years of anger management, she'd never encountered a couple that was quite so...interesting. "Okay...let's move on."

The others included the usual things that get you in anger management: I punched a kid in the face for talking to my boyfriend, I accused my girlfriend of cheating with my best friend and beat him to a bloody fucking pulp (the kid with the multitude of tattoos got a tally), my girlfriend head-butted me into the lockers and I gave her a concussion for no apparent reason, et cetera.

By the end of the session, Mrs. Joy looked scared for her life. "W-well, then," she said. "It's good that you're all here."

"Whatever, let's just get this thing over with," Hidan said.

Mrs. Joy looked down at her watch. "It's actually almost time to leave."

The class cheered.

"But, those of you who got tally marks have to stand in front and give your partner compliments."

Audible groans and snickers circulated throughout the room.

"Hidan and Jaye," Mrs. Joy read off her clipboard. "You two are the leading. Hidan, you have to give Jaye six compliments."

"Are you fu...are you kidding me?" Hidan said, scowling. "She's not even my girlfriend! We're just lumped together 'cause we have 'issues' with 'yelling and fighting.' "

"And we're here to resolve those issues," Mrs. Joy said. "Do it, whether she's your girlfriend or not."

"Fine," Hidan spat. He turned to Jaye, who was waiting expectantly. "You...have pretty eyes."

"Is that the best you got?"

Mrs. Joy marked the tally. "Okay, that's one. Five more."

"You've got soft hair."

Jaye gave him a look. "How the he...how do you know how soft my hair is?"

"Four more."

"I enjoy waking you up in the mornings."

"Because you're a sadist," Jaye said.

"Three more."

"I admire your capacity for cursing, even if it's frowned upon in anger management class."

"I do have a pretty impressive vocabulary, don't I?" Jaye said, smirking.

"Two more."

"Your ego was relatively normal before this."

Jaye scowled. "What'd you mean 'before this'?"

"One more."

Hidan thought. "That day at the track, I pointed you out as the hottest girl in the class because I didn't know who you actually were."

Jaye blushed to her hairline, and Mrs. Joy nodded, smiling. "Good, Hidan, good. Jaye, now it's your turn."

"There's nothing worth complimenting," Jaye sniffed, tossing her head.

"C'mon, there's gotta be something," Hidan prodded.

"Fine," Jaye huffed. "I think you're hotter with your original hair color."

"I thought so," Hidan said.

Mrs. Joy cleared her throat. "Okay, next."

"I enjoy it when you walk around without a shirt."

Hidan laughed, triumphantly.

"Next one."

"You have a nice golden tan...for a ginger."

"You know I'm not a natural ginger, so don't - "

"One more."

Jaye scrunched her nose in thought. "You're less annoying lately."

"Less annoying, that shouldn't even count as a - "

"Okay!" Mrs. Joy said, smiling. "That concludes our class for today, and I will see you all on Thursday. Have a good rest of the week!"

Jaye and Hidan were the first ones gone.

oOoOoOoOo

Clari lingered in the art classroom, waiting for Deidara to change out of his chaps. Biggs smiled at her when he saw her, walking over to were she standing.

"You're friend didn't seem too excited," Biggs snickered, tugging at the tresses that had earned Clari her nick-name. "But he worked that cowboy outfit."

"Yeah..."

"You know...he's kinda cute," Biggs said listlessly. "Are you two...?"

Clari waged an inner war within herself: there was the side of here that wanted to see Deidara's face when Biggs tried to hit on him, and then there was the side of her that was moral and ethic. Unfortunately, the moral side won. "Yeah, kinda."

"Damn. I was getting all hopeful too," Biggs sighed. "I could've sworn that he was giving me signs."

Clari nodded, trying not to laugh. "Mmhmm."

Deidara emerged from the changing room, looking ruthless. He grabbed Clari by the waist and ushered her out of the building, ignoring Biggs' "Bye Clair-bear! Bye-bye Dave!"

"So...chaps, huh?" Clari said as Deidara pushed her away from the art class.

"Clair-bear?" Deidara countered.

"...I won't tell if you won't."

"Deal."

The were suddenly bulldozed to the ground by Hidan and Jaye, who had been sprinting down the hallway. The four of them fell to the floor, a tangled heap of limbs. Jaye, realizing what had happened, searched for her cousin. "Clari! You maniacal, evil, sadistic bitch! When I get my hands on you, I'm going to kill you slowly and painfully!"

"Ow," Clari groaned, sitting up on her elbows and clutching her head. "Why? What'd I do?"

"You signed me up for _couple's anger management classes_ with that guy!" Jaye accused, poiting at Hidan's outstretched foot.

Clari blinked, shocked beyond words. Then, inevitably, she erupted into laughter until her eyes filled with tears. Jaye seethed, her face becoming seven shades of red. "It's not _funny_, Clari!"

"I - I'm sorry," Clari wheezed, trying to catch her breath. "It may not be funny to you, but I think it's hilarious. You should know, though, that I'm as surprised as you. I didn't sign you up for the classes."

"Really?" Jaye said. "Who did?"

"I told you," Clari sighed. "It was Lily."

Hidan and Jaye both went perfectly still. Their screams were so loud that they reached all the way to the kitchen of the Itishi household, where Lily sat at the table with a cup of tea and the paper. She smiled when she heard it.

"_I'M GOING TO KILL HER_!"

* * *

><p><strong>CHAPTER DONE! YAY! This one is actually a decent length, and it's funny(ish). Tazing Hidan was a regretably fun part to right. I'm sorry, Hidan. Don't sacrifice me.<strong>

**Also, I feel like I should point out because of this chapter that I'm not discriminate towards gays, bisexuals, or gingers. I love you all. **

**Especially if you review. :)**


	5. Plastic Cones and Miso Soup

**Chapter Four: Plastic Cones and Miso Soup**

* * *

><p>"I hate you."<p>

Bear laid on the floor of the veterinarian's office, glaring up at Lily and Itachi. He growled when Lily reached out to pet him behind the ears, aggravated and betrayed. Unconsciously his foot rose and scratched at the turgid red rash that had planted itself near his neck.

"I'm sorry, Bear," Lily said, retracting her hand with a sad sigh. "You know I wouldn't take you to the vet unless it was absolutely necessary, right?"

"Mainly because there's no telling how I genetically altered you with my jutsus," Itachi put in, flipping to the next page of the _People_ magazine he was reading.

Bear rolled his eyes and squirmed, wincing at the uncomfortable pinch of his rash against his collar. "Why is Itachi here anyway? And where is my Queen?"

"I'm here because the others are trying to restart Pein's memory by using hypnosis, and I don't want to be there when it backfires on them," Itachi said.

"...They're trying hypnotize on Pein?" Bear said, reluctantly snorting.

"Yes."

Bear sighed. "Yeah, I'm glad I'm not there."

"Shh! Stop talking," Lily said, looking around as another person walked in with their dog. "You have to act normal or somebody will get suspicious."

Bear was about to retort, but the receptionist walked in, called their name, and politely waited for them to follow her into the room. Lily tugged on Bear's leash, but he refused to budge. She scowled. "Bear! What are you doing?"

He blinked at her with stupid puppy dog eyes.

She pulled on the leash with all of her force, urging the large dog from his position on the floor. He got up at last minute, unsettling Lily's center of balance and causing her to fall backward. She sat up on her elbows and glared at her dog, watching him trot over to wear she was sprawled and plant himself by her side.

Lily could have sworn he smiled. "Woof, woof."

oOoOoOoOo

"Um...are you sure this is going to work?" Pein looked around from his vantage point on the recliner. The lights were turned off, leaving only the glow of a dozen or so candles to illuminate the room. Most of the Akatsuki sat on the couch or the floor, looking around with equally befuddled expressions. Jaye stood next to Pein, marking stuff onto a clipboard, trying to seem like she knew what she was doing. Clari leaned back against the wall near the kitchen, observing the ongoings with cynicism and amusement like she would have with Jaye's exorcism if it hadn't been for the gigantic thunderstorm that had taken place. Unfortunately for Jaye, there was no thunder to stop Clari's never-ending string of sarcastic remarks concerning hypnosis.

"Of course it's going to work," Jaye said, marking something else on her clipboard. "You just have to trust me."

Clari snorted. "I wouldn't."

"Shut up, Clari."

"If we're gonna hypnotize Pein, shouldn't we at least get a professional to do it?" Clari suggested. "I don't think swinging a pocket watch in front of his face and counting to three is gonna cut it."

Jaye gave her cousin a acidic look and turned back to Pein, who became quite anxious after Clari's testimony. "I've got this," she assured. "Don't worry about it. Worse case scenario is that it doesn't work at all, and then there's nothing lost."

"Or it could work and, since Jaye doesn't know what she's doing, it could screw up your brain even more so than it already is," Clari put in.

"We don't need your negative vibes!" Jaye snapped. "It's bad for the atmosphere!"

"She does make a good point though," Konan said, biting her lip. "Maybe we shouldn't do this."

"I know what I'm doing!" Jaye objected, throwing down her clipboard in frustration. "I Googled it!"

"Um...Jaye?" Kakuzu said, picking up the clipboard. "What's this?"

They peered curiously at the clipboard. Tobi clapped enthusiastically. "It's a bunny!"

"Are you sure?" Deidara said, tilting his head to the side. "It kind of looks a giraffe."

Jaye snatched her clipboard out of Kakuzu's hands, abashed. "It is a diagram of Pein's brain, thank you very much! It's accurate and precise!"

"Why does Pein's brain have whiskers?" Clari inquired.

"They're neuro-fibers!" Jaye said, making up a word off the top of her head. It was honestly supposed to be a picture of Bear to cheer him up when he got back from the vet, but she wasn't going to admit that now.

"Bullshit."

"I don't know about this, Jaye..." Pein said, frowning. If his brain looked like that, he really was in trouble. Besides, the recliner was uncomfortable.

"Everybody, just shut up! You're making him nervous!" Jaye ordered.

"Rightfully so," Clari added.

Jaye threw the clipboard at her.

"Ow!" Clari cried, gaping at her cousin and grabbing her arm. "That hurt!"

"What did I say? Shut up!"

Clari grumbled, nursing her injured arm, as Jaye began the procedure. "Okay, Pein," she said in a soothing voice. "Close your eyes and take deep, even breaths. I need you to relax all your muscles, starting with your toes and making your way up to your shoulders. Can you do that?"

Pein nodded and sank deeper into the chair, closing his eyes and breathing in time with Jaye's coaching. After about a minute of this, Jaye nodded.

"Good," she said. "You're completely relaxed. Now, I'm going to send you into an unconscious state so you can look for your memories. Don't worry, it's not dangerous no matter what _some_ people" - she narrowed her eyes at Clari - "might say. If you feel like you're in danger, or you feel anxious, just take a deep breath and return to a blank state of mind. We'll start over. There's no rush. Okay?"

Pein nodded.

"Alright. Now, I'm going to count backwards from three and you're going to fall into a deep sleep, but you will still be able to hear and respond to my voice. Are you ready?"

Pein nodded.

"Three...two...one," Jaye chanted, and everyone watched in amazement as Pein fell into a slumber. Even Jaye was shocked, gaping at her pierced subject. "I can't believe it worked!"

"That's not very reassuring," Konan said.

Jaye waved her off, pulling Hidan's chair out from under him and sitting her self down, rubbing her hands together in anticipation. "Okay - " she began, but was interrupted by Hidan.

"That's my chair, bitch!" he protested, scrambling off the ground and pointing to said chair.

"Actually it's my chair, since it's my house," Jaye pointed out.

Hidan opened his mouth to object, but Kisame nudged him. "Shut up, I wanna see how this pans out."

"Thank you," Jaye huffed, turning back to Pein. "Okay, Pein, nod once if you can hear what I'm saying."

Pein did as instructed, much to Jaye's delight. She settled into the chair, grinning. "Now, you're standing in a blank, white room. You are the only person there. It is silent."

"Interrogation room?" Pein muttered.

"No, just a safe, blank, white room," Jaye said. "You are the only person there. It is silent. Are you in the room?"

Pein nodded.

"Good," Jaye said. "Now, turn around. Behind you is a simple wooden door. Do you see the door?"

"Yes," Pein said.

"Walk towards the door."

Pein's foot twitched once, twice, three times. "I'm at the door," he said.

"Okay, open the door," Jaye instructed.

Pein frowned. "There's no handle."

"That's okay," Jaye assured. "Take a deep breath with me...alright. Push on the door, and it will open."

Pein's finger twitched. "I opened it."

"What do you see?"

"A...filing cabinet...that's all," Pein said. "The room is about the size of a closet, and it's white. There's a filing cabinet in the center of the room."

"Figures," Jaye muttered to herself. To Pein, she said, "Okay. Now, open the first drawer of the filing cabinet. There will be several files. You are going to pick up the one that says Years 0 - 5. You will take that file and that file only, then you will leave the room and close the door behind you. Do it now."

Pein frowned. His finger twitched again. "I opened the drawer," he said. "I see the file. I'm grabbing the file...I'm closing the door. I'm in the first room again."

"Good. How thick is the file?"

"Very thick," Pein said. "There aren't many papers, but I can tell there is a lot of film and photographs inside."

"That's okay. Now, inside that file are all of your memories from the time you were born to age 5. When I tell you to open the file, you will wake up and have all your memories from the time you were born to age 5. I'm only giving you these memories so you aren't overwhelmed. Our next session I will give you more memories. Are you ready to open the file?"

"Yes," Pein said.

"Okay, open the file."

Pein's eyes snapped open before the words even finished leaving Jaye's mouth. He blinked, looking around the room with wide eyes. "Well?" Konan said expectantly. "Did it work?"

"I dunno," Jaye said. "How do you feel, Pein?"

As a response, Pein shot her a big, mischievous grin and snickered. "You're pwetty," he said, squirming around inside the chair. Everybody's jaw dropped.

"Did you just call her 'pwetty'?" Kisame asked.

Pein set his eyes on the shark-man and gaped. "Whoa! You look like a shark!"

"_Jaye_," Konan hissed, grabbing her by the shoulders. "_What did you do?_"

"I-I don't know!" Jaye cried, equally distraught.

"He's acting like a freaking kid!" Kakuzu exclaimed as Pein shot from the chair and jumped onto the couch, hopping up and down on the springy cushions.

Horrible realization began to dawn on all of them. "Holy shit," Jaye whispered, staring at Pein in amazement. "The Akatsuki leader has the mentality of a five-year-old."

Pein stopped jumping and pointed at her as if _she_ was the freakish one. "You said a bad word!" he accused. "I'm gonna tell on you!"

Jaye raised an eyebrow. "Oh really? Who're you gonna tell?"

"Jaye!" Clari scolded. "This really isn't the time! You need to fix him!"

"How?" Jaye cried.

"Put him back in the chair and give him all of his memories," Zetsu suggested, scowling as Pein tried climbing onto his plant-like appendage. "_Get off of me, twerp. _You're a grown-ass man_."_

"But what if his brain goes into overdrive or something?" Jaye pointed out. "A young Akatsuki leader is better than a brain-dead one."

"Look at him, Jaye!" Konan said, gesturing to Pein as he insightfully looked at his finger and deliberately jammed it up his nose, exploring until Hidan slapped his hand and told him that it was fucking disgusting. "He's practically brain-dead anyway!"

"Instead of frying Pein's brain, why don't you just give him his most recent memories instead of his farthest ones," Clari put in, swatting Pein's hand away as he waddled over on his knees and tugged on her shirt to inform her of Hidan's dirty language. "That way he'll act his age and still retain brain function."

"Worth a shot," Jaye shrugged. "Things can't get any worse, can they?"

"Oh, I wouldn't say that quite yet," Konan countered, cringing as Pein gave up on getting Clari's attention and padded over to her, tugging on her robe and calling her "Pwetty Blue Lady."

"Hey, Pein," Jaye cooed, catching the leader's attention. "Come sit on this chair and I'll give you some candy."

Pein blinked, then pointed at her with a frightened expression. "STRANGER DANGER!" he screeched, hiding behind Konan.

Jaye scowled, aghast, and made a grab for him. "C'mere, you little shit!"

Pein screamed and scrambled off the ground, tearing his way through the living room to escape Jaye. She ran after him, ordering the others to do so as well. Soon everyone was scurrying after the Akatsuki leader, trying to capture him. Evidently his five-year-old self was used to these sort of rampages, and did well at evading detainment. After a while of chasing him through the house everybody ended back up at the living room; everyone except Pein.

"Where...did he...go?" Jaye wheezed, clutching her side.

"I was on...his trail...but he vanished," Deidara gasped, leaning against the wall.

"I thought...I saw him come...in here," Clari breathed, flopping down on the couch like a limp doll.

Tobi pointed to the back door, which was slightly ajar. Everybody groaned in unison, hanging their heads in defeat. "If he made it outside...then he could be anywhere!" Konan said.

"Fucking shit-head," Hidan cursed. "We're gonna be looking for him all night!"

They scraped themselves off the ground and crawled outside to search for the missing leader, only Kisame and Zetsu staying behind in case Pein circled around and came back. The others scattered throughout the backyard, silently checking behind every bush and up in every tree.

"I feel like we're playing hide-and-seek," Clari grumbled, peering behind a towering group of sunflowers that grew near the fence.

"Tell me about it, un," Deidara said, popping out from the tree he was investigating and hanging upside-down like a bat. "I used to think it was fun, but between Tobi and this, I've begun to hate it."

They heard Jaye's voice faintly coming from the front yard. "FOUND HIM!"

Clari sighed with relief, making her way towards the front yard after Deidara jumped down with an impressive display of flips and landed beside her. "I wonder where he was...?"

The others had gathered at the front too, and were surrounding what seemed to be Pein. Clari and Deidara nudged their way to the front, and saw Lily looking around with bewilderment and Itachi holding on to Bear's leash. Pein crouched beside Bear, rubbing his fur and murmuring things in adoration. The dog looked less than thrilled, his eyes glazed over and his ears back. Clari doubted it was because of the absurdity of Pein's praise. She figured it was probably because of the wide cone of plastic that circled his head, effectively blocking any and all itching that he might do to the rash on his neck.

"Doggy!" Pein squealed, rubbing Bear's back.

Itachi shook his head. "I told you this would backfire."

"Don't rub it in," Jaye moped.

Lily blinked at them, still astounded by the fact that a fully grown man, and quite an established one at that, was on his hands and knees petting a dog with the eagerness of a child. "What did I miss?"

Zetsu sighed and stepped forward, grabbing Pein by the collar of his robe and slinging him over his shoulder. "Don't ask," he said, turning around and carrying a kicking and screaming Leader back inside the disaster of a house.

oOoOoOoOo

"Why?" Lily asked. "Why do you destroy my house?"

Everyone, with the exception of Pein (who was locked up in basement where there were no windows for him to escape from), assisted her in cleaning up the mess they had made whilst chasing the brain-damaged Akatsuki leader.

"Really, Mom?" Jaye said, throwing the pieces of a broken picture frame in the trash. "That's what you're most concerned about right now?"

"I'm just confused," Lily said. "I mean, I feed you, and I clothe you, and I buy you things, I love you unconditionally for the most part, and I allow eight fully grown men live with you on a normal basis because I trust you. I think I'm a great parent. But I don't understand why every time I leave this house I come back and it's a wreck."

"We're sorry, Lily," Konan apologized. "We were too caught up in catching Pein."

"I suppose that's a pretty good excuse," Lily admitted.

"Did you say that you love us unconditionally 'for the most part'?" Clari inquired, frowning with sudden realization.

"Clari, she said that she allowed us to live with eight fully grown men and then followed up with, 'I think I'm a great parent, ' " Jaye pointed out. "I think it's safe to say that she's somewhat delusional."

"Somewhat," Lily agreed. "But not enough to whack you with a piece of the recliner again if you don't get to work."

Jaye rolled her eyes. "See what I mean?"

"No offense, but shouldn't you be fixing Leader?" Kakuzu sneered, sweeping up some glass. "If him losing his memory is Hidan's fault, then this is totally your fault."

"Yeah, bitch!" Hidan cheered, grinning at Jaye's reflection in the mirror he was cleaning the milk off of. "Now you can't give me shit for hitting Leader!"

"I _can_, but you'll just have something to counter with," Jaye said. "For instance: Hidan, it's your fault that Pein lost his memory in the first place!"

Hidan grew red. "You fucked up his brain even more with that hypnosis crap!"

"But I wouldn't have had to use hypnosis if his brain wasn't fried in the first place!" Jaye snapped, grinning smugly when Hidan failed to come up with a counter argument.

"_Anyway_," Clari interjected. "Back on topic."

"What were we talking about again?"

"Kakuzu asked why you're not fixing Pein."

"Oh!" Jaye exclaimed, suddenly irritated. "That's because your bastard of a leader won't sit still and relax long enough for him to fall asleep. He totally acts like a five-year-old."

"And whose fault is that?" Hidan said.

"Shut it, bastard!"

"The question is," Konan interrupted. "How are we going to get him to stay still long enough to re-hypnotize him?"

"I say we knock him out cold," Kisame suggested.

"He can't already be unconscious when I try to hypnotize him," Jaye said.

"What if two of us hold him down while you're hypnotizing him?" Deidara said.

Jaye shook her head. "That won't work either. He has to be completely relaxed."

"Maybe we could give him a sedative," Clari said, tapping her chin thoughtfully. "A dose small enough that he'll be relaxed and maybe a bit sleepy, but not a dose big enough that he'll actually go to sleep."

"We could try that," Jaye agreed, nodding. "I'll go get the matches!"

"Wait," Clari said, grabbing Jaye's shoulder and stopping her in her quest for the matches. "I don't think we need candles this time. And we don't have any sedative at the house."

"Actually, we have the dosage that the vet gave us in case Bear started acting up," Lily offered, digging around in her purse until she found a bottle of pills.

"You really want to give Pein meds for a _dog_?" Konan asked.

"Why not?" Jaye said, shrugging. "If they're good enough for a flying, talking dog, they should be good enough for a five-year-old stuck in a ninja's body."

"How are we gonna convince him to eat the pills?" Kisame asked.

Everyone turned expectantly towards Clari, who started. "Why are you looking at me?" she cried.

"You've supplied all the good ideas so far," Jaye said.

Clari sighed and shook her head, frowning in thought. "I dunno, what does every five-year-old kid like?"

Tobi jumped up and down waving his hands in the air. "Tobi knows, Tobi knows! Kids like candy!"

"I don't think we'd be able to disguise the pills as candy, unless they were Tic-Tacs or something," Jaye said, frowning at the small oval capsules. "Which Pein wouldn't eat anyway, I bet."

"How about I make brownies and stick the pills in one?" Clari said. "Or do you think that's too obvious?"

"Might as well give it a shot," Jaye said. "Besides, brownies sound really good right about now."

So Clari got to baking and, thirty minutes later, everyone was munching on a brownie while watching her stick a pill in the center of one. "There," she said. "I think one should be enough."

"I agree," Zetsu said, licking chocolaty crumbs off his fingers.

Konan and Itachi went down to present him with the brownie, but came back up a few seconds later with it in hand. "He said he doesn't like brownies," Itachi reported, blinking at the slightly crushed dessert crossly. "He threw it at me."

Clari gaped. "What in the - what kid doesn't like brownies? He's not human!"

"He said he wanted miso soup," Konan put in.

"I don't how to make miso soup!" Clari cried. "I don't even know what the hell miso soup is!"

"Clari!" Jaye gasped. "I can't believe we're related."

"I know what it is," Clari rephrased for her cousin's benefit, "but there's no way for me to make it. I don't know what goes into it, and I doubt that I have any of the ingredients - "

"They make instant, you know," Deidara said.

Jaye tapped her chin. "I wonder if they have instant miso soup at the store...?"

"I've never seen it," Clari huffed.

"They'll probably have some at that Oriental store down the road," Lily said, grabbing her keys and rushing out the door. "I'll just go get some real quick!"

Clari crossed her arms and scrunched her nose. "Brownies...what kid doesn't like brownies?"

"Admit it, you're just pissed because he didn't like your cooking," Jaye said.

"No one has ever refused my cooking before! It's a first for me, okay?" Clari fussed. "Those were damn good brownies too!"

"They came in a box," Jaye said.

"Whatever!"

While they waited for Lily, they finished cleaning up. Lily praised them when she arrived, brandishing a package with Japanese writing on it. "Instant miso soup!" she said proudly.

"I can't read the directions," Clari said grumpily, passing the package to Deidara. "You make it."

Deidara gingerly passed the package to Zetsu, who offered it to Itachi. He sighed and took it into the kitchen, where the others followed curiously and watched the process with awe. The finished product was a bowl of brownish stock, amidst which various vegetables and squares of tofu floated.

"Itachi can cook," Lily stated, surprised.

"It's instant miso soup," Itachi sighed. "It's not exactly a gourmet meal."

"Whatever," Clari said, dropping the pill in the soup. "Hopefully it's good enough for Pein."

Konan and Itachi took the soup down, and stayed for a longer period of time. After about fifteen minutes, Konan came up with the empty bowl.

"It worked!" Jaye cheered.

"No, it didn't," Konan said, showing them the bowl. A little white pill bobbed around in the remaining stock. "He found the pill and refused to eat it. He knows we're trying to drug him now, so he's probably not going to eat anything without careful inspection."

"Dammit!" Everyone shouted in unison.

"What are we supposed to do now?" Jaye asked.

"Well, it's already close to midnight," Lily said, looking at her watch. "I have work tomorrow, and you and Hidan have anger management. I think we should just leave it alone for right now and sleep on it."

"But wait!" Kisame cried, glancing at Itachi. "Leader's in our room! Where are we supposed to sleep?"

"You could still sleep down there," Jaye snickered. "There's more than one bed."

"I am not sleeping in the same room as that demonic little brat," Kisame objected.

"I'm not too keen on sleeping down there either," Itachi put in.

"One of you could sleep on the recliner," Clari suggested with a frown. "It's not the most comfortable thing in the world, but it's better than the floor. I think one of you might have to sleep on the floor though..."

"Or," Deidara suggested. "I could give up my bed and one of you could bunk with Tobi."

Clari raised an eyebrow. "You're going to sleep on the floor?"

"That's not what I said, un."

"I don't really wanna bunk with Tobi either," Kisame said. "That's almost as bad as bunking with five-year-old Leader."

"Hey!" Tobi cried. "Tobi is a good boy!"

"How about this," Lily interrupted, pinching the bridge of her nose between her thumb and forefinger. "I have an inflatable mattress in my room. One of you could sleep on the recliner and the other can sleep on the mattress."

"Fine," Kisame surrendered. "I'll take the mattress."

Lily got the inflatable mattress along with some pillows and blankets. The Akatsuki watched in amazement as she used a pump to blow up the mattress, asking questions and poking it to test the effectiveness. When their curiosity was satisfied, they migrated upstairs to the open arms of their own beds.

Zetsu pulled out the couch and Itachi settled on the recliner, jumping when he reclined it and his feet flew up in the air. He squirmed about, trying to find a tolerable position, and gave up with a sigh after about fifteen minutes.

It was silent as the three Akatsuki members tested the level of awkward in the room.

"Zetsu," Kisame said after the long pause. "I should warn you that I snore."

"Quite loudly," Itachi added.

Zetsu closed his eyes and let out a sigh. "_Fantastic_."

* * *

><p><strong>Yay! A long chapter!<strong>

**I feel like this one is up to my usual standard. The first couple of chapters I've been uncomfortable with, but no matter how many times I go back and rewrite them they never turn out very good. Hopefully the story will pick up now that I'm back on track. :)**

**I probably won't update for a while though, since I'm going to be busy for the next few weeks and will have limited computer access. But I will get straight back to writing once I get my hands on a computer again. Promise. **


	6. Jelly Donuts and Knighthood

**Chapter Five: Jelly Donuts and Knighthood**

* * *

><p>"I don't think I should have to go to class today," Jaye objected as Clari shoved her out the door with Hidan. "It's an emergency. You and Deidara aren't going to class."<p>

"Because it's an emergency," Clari agreed. "And you two are going because it was you two who got us into this mess in the first place. So you're going. And don't even think about trying to skip, because the teacher will call us if you don't show up."

With that she closed the door, leaving a very glum Hidan and Jaye on the doorstep. "Damn, I forgot about that," Jaye mumbled, stomping towards the truck. Hidan followed, equally gloomy. He brightened up suddenly as if struck with a brilliant idea.

"Hey, I wanna drive the truck!" he declared, turning towards Jaye. She gave him a look and pushed him to the ground, stepping over him to get to the driver's seat. But Hidan had gotten up and made it before she did. He blocked the way, scowling. "Don't push me, bitch! I wanna drive the truck."

"No," Jaye said simply, putting her hands on her hips and giving him an equally menacing glare. "First of all you need to have a driver's license to drive, which you don't. Second of all you don't know the way to class and you don't know the rules of the road. And thirdly, nobody in their right mind would _ever_ put you behind the wheel of a car!"

"And why not?" Hidan said, crossing his arms over his chest.

"Because you're a maniac!" Jaye accused.

Hidan raised an eyebrow. "And you're not?"

"Get the fuck out of my way!" Jaye ordered, stamping on his foot. Hidan screeched and bounced on his one good foot, cradling his other in his hand. Jaye pushed him down again and climbed into the driver's seat, while Hidan begrudgingly shuffled over to the passenger side.

"Fine," he said, scowling. "You can drive. But I want control of the radio."

"No. Fucking. Way. The radio is _mine_."

Hidna grinned and changed the station while Jaye glared. It went from Linkin Park's "Crawling" to some eardrum-splitting lyrics screaming about blood and death, along with the smashing of drums and screeching guitar chords. Jaye changed it back, sneering.

Hidan fiddled with the radio again, and this time stopped at a religious station. What he didn't realize was that nobody worshiped Jashin in the United States of America, and if they did they wouldn't broadcast it on the radio. So he got a Christian station instead, and after about two minutes of listening he declared that they were all wrong and slammed his fist into the radio, clawing it out with his fingers. Jaye watched with horror as he rolled down the window and chucked the device out into the road, much to the surprise of the car behind them. Jaye heard the squeal of tires and a metallic crash. She stepped on the gas, speeding away from the scene when she saw the damage behind her.

Hidan stuck his head out the window, deep in thought. "I wonder if Jashin would consider that a sacrifice in repent for what I heard on the radio."

"_That's_ what you're concerned about?" Jaye shrieked, reaching across the seat and pulling Hidan back into the car so she could yell at him. "You threw my radio out the window and caused a car crash! What if somebody died? I'll be charged with something if they saw my license plate!"

"No, you got out of there before anybody saw your license plate," Hidan assured. "And I don't think anybody died either. Damn. I'll have to sacrifice myself later then."

Jaye, who had reached her boiling point, let go of the steering wheel completely and succumbed to her urge to slap Hidan as many times as she could without running off the road. She got in a good six blows before he shoved her away and she had to grab the wheel again. The cars behind them honked angrily.

"This is all your fault," she muttered.

"You should've let me drive," Hidan snarled. "Then none of this would've happened."

"You're right," Jaye agreed. "It probably would've been worse."

There was suddenly a malicious clank from the front of the truck, and it started to excrete a acrid gray smoke. Jaye shouted incoherently and pulled over just in time. The car gave a final shudder and clamored to a stop, pitching them forward. Other cars raced past without a care.

Jaye's face grew a dangerous shade of red. She slammed her fists down on the steering wheel and let loose a sting of profanity so crude that even Hidan (yes, _Hidan_) looked alarmed. "What happened?" he asked after she paused for breath. "Why isn't the car moving?"

"Why isn't the car moving?" Jaye hissed, glaring at him with a hellish rage. "Because we have _broken down_ on the side of the road, Hidan, and I have no idea how to fix it. I know absolutely nothing about cars, and neither do you. I also don't have my cell phone with me, so we have no way to call a tow truck or Clari to come and get us. What has happened is that we are stuck on the side of the road with no way to get anywhere, and no way to contact anybody. We are _stranded_."

"Stranded?" Hidan gulped, his eyes wide.

"Yes," Jaye said, unbuckling her seatbelt. "Stranded."

oOoOoOoOo

It was a battle of wits.

On one side was Pein with his child's mind, his ringed eyes narrowed with rebellion. He sat criss-cross on the floor, glaring murderously as one could glare, but unable to shake Clari's unwavering confidence. Between them, on the plate placed on the floor, was a jelly donut. The Akatsuki circled the two silent warriors, waiting in anticipation for the first person to crack.

Clari gestured towards the jelly donut with her hand. "Eat it," she ordered.

"No," Pein refused.

"It's filled with the sweetest strawberry jelly I could find. The dough is made from scratch. I made the glaze based on a top secret recipe that Lily's grandmother invented," Clari said. "This donut is irresistible. There is no way in hell that you can't eat it eventually."

"I'm not gonna eat it," Pein declared, turning his head away from the donut. "You drugged it."

"I didn't," Clari said. She took out the bottle of medication, turning the label so Pein could read it. "There were sixteen pills in this bottle. I used one in the brownie and one in the miso soup. Look you can count them yourself; there are only fourteen left. I didn't take out any more."

"Lemme see," Pein said, unscrewing the lid and counting the pills inside. He looked at the label and nodded. "You didn't take out anymore," he said handing it back to her. His gaze traveled longingly over to the donut. "But what if you took one out and replaced it with something else so I wouldn't be suspicious?"

"Look, if you don't believe me then inspect the donut while you're eating it. But eat it. Now."

Pein gave her a look. "Why do you want me to eat it so bad?"

"You will eat the damn jelly donut!" Clari cried, standing. "No one has ever refused to eat my cooking before you, you little twerp, so eat the donut! There's no medicine in it, okay? Eat it or I'm never making anything for you ever again!"

Pein smiled deviously. "Nope."

"Eat it!"

"No."

"Eat the donut!"

"No."

"Eat the donut or I will force it down your throat!" Clari shouted, fed up with five-year-old Pein and his antics. He sighed finally and picked up the donut, peering at it suspiciously before sticking it in his mouth. He took tiny bites and inspected the jelly thoroughly, but eventually he finished it, covered in jelly and frosting when he did. "Was it yummy?" Clari asked, blinking at him hopefully.

Pein made a so-so gesture with his hand, as his mouth was too full to answer.

Clari's face morphed into something dark and sinister that would give him nightmares for the next few days. She pointed at him. "Hold him down!" she ordered, and Itachi and Deidara had Pein pinned down before he could even process what was going on. Zetsu came over and opened his mouth, popping a foul-tasting pill inside and forcing him to swallow.

"One of my own creation," he explained, disappearing immediately under a cloud of sedative-induced mist.

As Pein's eyes drifted closed, Clari turned to Zetsu. "Are you sure it will keep him asleep until Jaye gets home?"

"Yes, it will keep him unconscious for three hours exactly, and then it will keep him groggy for another two," the plant-man said.

"Okay, I get the whole holding him down so we could force the pill down his throat thing, but why did he have to eat the donut?" Deidara asked, startling when Clari gave him a frigid look. "Not that your donuts weren't good or anything, un! They were awesome!"

"He had to eat the donut because it's not good to take medication on an empty stomach," Clari rationalized. She slammed her fist down on her hand. "And because that little snot-nosed kid was going to eat some of my cooking and like it, whether he wanted to or not!"

"I see..." Deidara said, not bothering to point out that Pein never actually said he had liked her jelly-filled excuse for a breakfast item.

They all went upstairs, leaving Pein on a cot in the basement. Bear lounged on the sofa, sitting up so that the cone around his head didn't bother him. "How did it go?" he asked, scooting over to make room for the sudden surge of people coming from the basement.

"Well. He's knocked out until Jaye comes home," Clari said.

"I don't understand why you don't just hypnotize him, Clari. You can 'Google' it like she did," Kisame suggested. "Whatever that means."

"Google is a search engine. You type stuff in and it gives you information," Clari explained. "And I don't want to be the one responsible for screwing with Pein's brain and facing Konan's wrath. Besides, Jaye has already done it once."

"Why would I be vengeful if you mess up Pein's brain?" Konan asked.

"Because you're in love with him," Clari said bluntly, knowing that the blue-haired ninja was too dense to admit it even if she had obviously stated fact.

Konan's face grew red with anger or embarrassment; Clari couldn't tell which. "I am not!"

"Can someone please take this cone off my head?" Bear interrupted, gesturing to the cone. Clari shook her head, attempting to retain a smile unlike the others.

"No, you have to wear it today and tomorrow," she said. "Or until your rash clears up."

"I bet my Queen will remove it," Bear grumbled, shooting Clari an irritated glare with his ears back and his eyes narrowed. It wasn't very threatening in the cone and she had even more trouble trying not to laugh.

Kisame seemed to be deep in thought. "Why do you call Jaye your 'Queen'?" he finally asked, shooting the disgruntled dog a curious glance.

"Because she is the one who rescued me from my evil sisters," Bear said with a nod. "It is my job to protect her no matter what the cost."

"But don't queens usually have knights who do that? You know, the whole shining armor and Sir Lancelot crap that they have on TV," Kisame persisted.

"I suppose I'm her knight then."

"But she never granted you knighthood," Kisame pointed out.

Bear opened his mouth to speak, but then stopped. His eyes grew wide with horror. "Oh, no!" he cried, "I can't believe this! My Honorable Queen Jayden has never granted me knighthood! I'm not her protector - I'm - I'm - I don't know what I am!"

"Bear, you're her dog," Clari said. "She took you because she wanted protection from Hidan, remember? So technically you're still doing your job."

"But I don't want to protect her as her _dog_," Bear exclaimed with disgust at the very notion. "I want to be her knight! A mere _dog_ is not worthy of protecting my Queen."

Clari sighed, knowing by the acid in his tone at the mention of his own species that she was going to get nowhere with this. "Okay then, why don't you request a knighthood?"

"I can't request a knighthood," Bear said with exasperation. "She has to grant it to me of her own whim."

"But Jaye forgets she's your Queen sometimes," Clari pressed on. "So she won't know that she's even allowed to grant knighthoods in the first place."

"True," Bear agreed.

"So when she gets back from her class just ask her for a knighthood. I'm sure she'll give it to you."

But Bear was shaking his head. "I can't go up to her and ask. That would be disrespectful. But" - he looked at Clari hopefully, with the very epitome of puppy-dog eyes - "perhaps a certain relative could drop hints?"

"Fine," Clari sighed.

"And you can't come straight out and tell her. You have to let her figure it out herself."

"Okay."

"Great," Bear cheered, grinning deviously. "I will be a knight before dark, and worthy to serve my Queen."

oOoOoOoOo

Jaye frowned at the muddled engine of the car. There was that thing-a-ma-bob right there that attached the whatcha-ma-call-it and hooked onto that other thingy. Then there were more bumps, knobs, holes, tubes, screws, and such that she had no idea what to do with. Jaye knew little about cars outside the fact that they needed gas and how the radio worked.

"Are you almost done?" Hidan called from the back. She'd sent him back there to look for something useful, telling him that she'd try and fix it while he was preoccupied.

"Something like this takes time!" Jaye yelled over the sound of cars passing by. "What'd you find back there?"

Hidan came up to the front carrying multiple items. He dropped them at her feet, causing her to twitch irritably. "There's a toolbox thing, a moldy sandwich, a cardboard box, an ax, some crusty rainboots, and a dead rat." He paused to purse his lips at her with disapproval. "You need to clean out your car more, Bitch."

"Don't tell me what to do!" Jaye snapped. "And what am I supposed to do with a dead rat? Why did you even bring that up here? And a moldy sandwich? That's disgusting."

"It's your car," Hidan said with a shrug.

Jaye sighed. "Whatever. What's in the toolbox?"

"I dunno. I didn't open it."

Muttering, Jaye squatted and opened the rusty metal latch. Inside was a pair of pliers, a screwdriver, a dirty sock, a roll of duct tape, something that Jaye could only describe as a shanking device, a marker, and...

"Holy shit!" Jaye cried, leaping back from the box. "There's a gun in here!"

"What? Really?" Hidan exclaimed, peering into the toolbox with a grin. When he spotted the small pistol he grinned even wider. "I've always wanted to shoot one of these! They show them on TV all the time!"

"No! No, no, no, we aren't touching it," Jaye said, slapping Hidan's hand. "Last time I checked, Clari and Mom don't own a gun either. That means it has to be somebody else's. We can't touch it."

"Why?" Hidan complained.

"What if it's...I dunno, a murder weapon or something?" Jaye said dramatically.

Hidan scoffed. "You watch too many cop shows for your own good."

"I'm serious, Hidan!" Jaye said. "We aren't touching it."

"Fine," Hidan sighed. Jaye gingerly picked out the other supplies, leaving only the dirty sock and gun. She looked at them along with Hidan, hopelessly trying to devise a plan.

"Maybe we can make a sign with the cardboard and the marker, and get somebody to lend us their cell phone," Jaye said, picking up the marker. Hidan shrugged and ripped off a piece of the cardboard, giving it to Jaye. He leaned over her shoulder as she wrote:

_HELP!  
>Need to borrow cell phone!<br>Free duct tape and rainboots if you help!_

Hidan raised an eyebrow. "You really think that's gonna work?"

"Probably not," Jaye sighed, stepping back to admire her sign. She picked it up and raised it over her head so any passing cars might be able to see the words and be kind enough to stop. "But it's worth a shot."

oOoOoOoOo

Clari got a call from Mrs. Joy about ten minutes after anger management class had ended. The Akatsuki knew that something had happened when they heard her outraged "_WHAT?_" all the way across the house. They debated on whether they should flee or investigate, and chose the latter. Clari was hanging up the phone when they all flooded into the kitchen.

"Who was that?" Kakuzu asked.

"That was Mrs. Joy," Clari hissed, "Jaye's anger management teacher. Apparently, she and Hidan didn't show up for class today."

"Whoa, really?" Tobi exclaimed. "Tobi wonders where they went...?"

Zetsu's dark half chuckled. "_I have a couple ideas..."_

Muttering to herself, Clari dialed Jaye's number into her phone. They heard the shrill ring of her cell phone upstairs, probably on the night stand next to her bed where it always was. She growled and hung up, then called Ryan and then Seth. Neither of them had seen her. She called the manager of _Hot Topic, who hadn't seen her either. She contacted her friend Matt, who worked at the library (though she doubted that Hidan would be calm enough to stay in a library for very long), but he said that he hadn't seen her either._

"All the places Jaye goes in her free time, and nobody has seen her," Clari exclaimed, slamming the phone down on the counter. "I told her that Mrs. Joy would call if she didn't go, but I guess she doesn't care. I ask her to do one thing for me, just _one_ thing, and she can't even do it!" Clari stormed into the living room and plopped down on the couch, glowering. "I guess we'll just have to wait until she gets home."

"But what if she's in trouble?" Bear said, frowning. "What if somebody kidnapped her and is holding her hostage?"

Clari gave him a look. "She's with a ninja, Bear. Hidan may be an asshole, but he's not gonna let her get hurt."

"We're also facing another problem," Itachi put in. "Pein is going to wake up any second now. If Jaye isn't here, then who is going to do the hypnosis and restore his memories? I don't think my back can take another night on the recliner."

"Kakuzu, hand me the laptop," Clari ordered, sticking out her hand. She opened it and typed 'how to hypnotize' into Google, waiting for the results to pop up. The Akatsuki observed over her shoulder, never actually having seen a person using the computer who knew what they were doing. Clari clicked several links and read until she thought she had everything down. The Akatsuki didn't think it was as interesting (or as mentally scarring) as Youtube, but still marveled at the capacity of information Clari could access just by tapping a few keys.

Finally, she exited the page and closed the laptop. "Okay guys, I'm ready," she said, taking a deep breath. "Go get Pein and bring him up here."

Kakuzu and Kisame dragged the nearly unconscious Leader up the basement stairs and onto the recliner. He was still very groggy, but Clari figured that the sleepier he was, the better. She cleared her throat and ordered somebody to turn down the lights. With a preparatory crack of her knuckles, she began.

oOoOoOoOo

"COME ON!" Jaye screamed at the passing car, waving the sign in the air desperately. "YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU'RE COMPLETELY HEARTLESS! A CRUEL BASTARD OF A HUMAN BEING! I HOPE YOU ROT IN HELL FOR LEAVING TWO INNOCENT PEOPLE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD TO DIE!"

Hidan lounged against the side of the truck, shaking his head at Jaye's hysterical ranting. She was becoming more and more upset by the passing minute, as the sunlight was starting to fade and making the sign harder to read. Besides that, she didn't want to be stuck on the side of the road in the dark. Hidan tried to explain to her that she really wasn't in any danger, considering the fact that he was here and no freakin' punk from this world was going to get past him and rape her or whatever she was worried about, but his testimony brought her little solace. If anything, it only made her more desperate.

"This is bullshit," he said finally, pushing himself off the car and walking away. "I'm just gonna run home. It's only a couple miles, right?"

"Yeah, if you consider twenty miles to be a couple," Jaye scoffed, putting her sign down hopelessly. "I don't know about you, but I can't run for twenty miles straight and be home before dark."

"You could ride on my back."

"Like hell. I'd rather be stranded out here."

Hidan shrugged. "Suit yourse - ahhh!" He tripped over the toolbox and flopped to the ground face-first, spilling all the contents. Cursing, he sat up and rubbed the side of his face, glaring as Jaye doubled over with laughter. "Shut up, bitch! That wasn't funny!"

"Not for you, but I found it hilarious," Jaye gasped, trying to catch her breath. Hidan scowled again and stood up, wiping gravel off his face. He paused when he saw the gun, cocking his head to the side. He picked it up, inspecting it closely. Jaye stopped laughing and stared at him, eyes wide. "N-now Hidan, laughing is no reason to shoot me," she said, backing away.

Hidan rolled his eyes. "I'm not gonna shoot you, bitch," he said, peering inside the barrel, "I just thought I saw something in here..." he put his fingers in the barrel of the gun, probably not advisable in any circumstance, and pulled out a wad of something. Jaye narrowed her eyes, trying to see what it was. Hidan grinned at her and, recognizing the thing in his hand, she grinned back.

"Money!" Jaye cried, skipping over to the once-silver-haired-but-now-temporarily-ginger ninja. "We're saved! Anybody would stop for a hundred bucks."

"They'd stop for fifty," Hidan disagreed, distributing the money into two separate halves. Jaye grinned devilishly, taking the money and taping it to her sign. She took the black marker and wrote: _$50!_ under the part that promised rainboots and duct tape.

"You did learn a thing or two from Kakuzu," she said, raising her sign in the air again. She frowned at the gun. "There's no way that's an actual gun, right?"

Hidan pointed it at the ground and tried the trigger, but it wouldn't budge. "Nah, I think it's just a paperweight or a toy or something. It's pretty heavy though," he added, testing it in his hands, "it could still be a murder weapon."

Jaye threw the duct tape at him. "Shut up, bastard."

oOoOoOoOo

It took about two hours, and Clari gave up trying to fix Pein's brain. She'd gotten nowhere, and the sedative was starting to wear off. Jaye was going to have to do it. As soon as she had determined this, Clari got a phone call from Jaye and Hidan.

"Where are you?" was her first angry question, one that she nearly screamed into the phone. Judging by her tone, the Akatsuki decided that it was safest to stay away this time. "Mrs. Joy called and you missed anger management!"

"I know, I'm sorry," Jaye said.

Clari snorted. "Don't lie to me."

"Okay, I'm not sorry that I missed it. But I am sorry that you thought I ditched. I didn't. The car broke down on the way here 'cause Hidan pulled out the radio - "

" - you're a fucking liar!" Hidan's muffled voice accused.

" - and we got stuck on the side of the road," Jaye finished as if he hadn't spoken. "We've been out here all day trying to get somebody's attention and at least borrow their cell phone, but nobody would stop for a pair of rainboots and a roll of duct tape. Bastards.

"Anyway, Hidan tripped over the toolbox; which was funny was hell, by the way - "

" - was not! I'm going to fucking strangle you, bitch!"

" - and money came out of the fake gun in the toolbox, so we taped fifty bucks to the sign and this guy let us borrow his cell phone and now I'm calling you to come and get us," Jaye said. "And hurry please, 'cause it's starting to get dark and this guy is kind of creepy."

"I'm not creepy, bitch!" Hidan said.

"Actually, I wasn't talking about you. I was talking about the guy who stopped for us."

"Oh. Yeah, he is kind of freaky."

"So hurry," Jaye repeated. "And bring some food. I'm starving."

With that they hung up, and Clari sighed. She packed a few things for Jaye and Hidan to eat, and then explained the situation to the Akatsuki. "Behave while I'm gone, and when Lily gets home tell her that there is chicken marinating in the fridge and that she can grill it if she wants," she said, grabbing the keys. Then she stopped and slapped her forehead.

"What?" Deidara asked.

"Lily has the Beast," Clari said, dragging her hand down her face. "And Jaye and Hidan have the truck. We don't have any more cars."

"Shit," Kakuzu said. "That sucks for them."

Clari took out her phone (this is probably the most she'd ever used it) and called Seth, but he wasn't answering. Seth was the only other person she knew with a car, and Lily wouldn't be home for another half hour. She tapped her chin and thought, finally coming up with a brilliant plan. "Deidara, could you fly us there on a sculpture and then fly the four of us back?"

"Sure, un. Especially with airplanes and stuff flying around. Nobody would question it. Even if they did, they'd probably claim it was something stupid like a UFO. If you don't mind being sighted alittle, I could even bring the truck back."

"Awesome," Clari said. "Let's do it."

oOoOoOoOo

Jaye and Hidan were sitting inside the truck with the light on, surrounded by darkness. It had been at least twenty minutes since Jaye called Clari with the creepy guy's cell phone. Hidan ordered him to leave after they gave him back his cell phone and gave him his reward.

He clutched his stomach, which had just erupted into a chorus of grumbles and growls. "When is she gonna get here...?" he groaned, resting his forehead on the dashboard. "I haven't eaten anything all day!"

"Don't complain to me about being hungry," Jaye snapped. "I'm starving too."

A great wind whipped the gravel and trees around the truck, making clinking sounds on the metal exterior. Jaye scowled at the dim outside. "Great, and it's gonna storm. Just our luck."

There was a large thump, and the ground shook. Jaye and Hidan toppled forward with the force of it, and looked at each other with wide eyes. It wasn't thunder.

Hidan screamed bloody murder when someone tapped on the window. It was Clari, waving. Hidan rolled down the window, clutching his chest.

"Aw, sorry Hidan. Did I scare you?" Clari snickered.

"No!" Hidan objected, but his face was a grayish-white hue that suggested otherwise. "You just...startled me, that's all."

"Whatever," Clari said, rolling her eyes. "C'mon, you guys. We don't want anybody to see us."

"What are you talking about...?" Jaye said cautiously, opening the door and peering behind her. There, perched on the side of the road, was a giant clay bird. Deidara sat on it's back, waiting for them to hop on.

"What the fuck?" Hidan said.

"You guys had the truck and Lily had the Beast," Clari explained as they walked over to Deidara's sculpture. "There was no other way for me to get to you without at least an hours wait. And I figured you two would kill each other without these" - she held up two sandwiches that Hidan and Jaye hungrily grabbed from her hands - "so I asked Deidara to sculpt a bird and fly you away. It's big enough to carry the truck too; we just have to hurry so nobody sees us."

They climbed aboard the bird, preparing for lift off. Deidara checked for any cars, then nodded. "Hold on tight!" he warned, glancing at Jaye. She raised an eyebrow at Clari's arms wrapped around Deidara's middle, then scowled at Hidan, who, like the artist, seemed perfectly balanced on the curved back of the bird.

"Nuh-uh, no way in hell am I - " Deidara took off, and Jaye's complaining was silenced. She nearly tumbled off the side when the bird grabbed the truck and yanked it off the ground, but Hidan caught her.

"Just do it, bitch," he said. "Unless you want to fall to your death."

Jaye begrudgingly surrendered and wrapped her arms around Hidan's muscular stomach. He was really warm, she noted mutely. And he smelled...nice. But of course she wouldn't say that. Instead she remarked, "You need to lay off the cologne, bastard."

Hidan's laugh rumbled through his torso. "I'm not wearing cologne, bitch. It's just my natural attractive scent."

"Whatever. You've gotta be using some kind of fru-fru soap."

"I don't use fruity soap!"

Clari and Deidara rolled their eyes as Jaye and Hidan argued over Hidan's smell for the rest of the flight. When they were almost home, Clari remembered something. "Hey, Jaye! Bear wants to be a knight."

"A knight? Like medieval save-the-princess kind of thing?" Jaye said.

"Yeah. He wants you to give him his knighthood so he can protect you as a knight instead of a dog. Don't ask me why. Kisame put the idea in his head."

"You and Kisame need to stop messing with my pets," Jaye commented sourly, remembering the debacle with Pablo I.

They landed in the back yard near the forest after depositing the beat-up truck next to the Beast in the driveway. They got off the bird and stared at it. "Um...what do you normally do after you're done with it?" Clari asked, blinking up a the hulking clay sculpture.

"I normally let it fly into the air and set it off," Deidara answered.

"How big is the explosion?"

"Pretty big, un."

"I don't think we can set it off here," Clari said.

"Aw, why not? It's my favorite part!"

"Because we have next door neighbors."

Deidara dismissed this. "It sounds like thunder to most people. It won't be a big deal unless they're outside and they actually see the explosion, un. Then they'll be witnessing art, and they have no room to complain."

"But - "

"Besides, if your next door neighbors walk outside and saw this," he continued, gesturing to the bird, "what would you do then? It's better just to get it over with quickly and answer questions later. In any case, there's no way that they'd be able to track the explosion back to us even if they saw it."

"For once, Deidara is actually making sense," Jaye agreed.

Clari put her hands up in surrender. "Fine, go ahead. You have my blessing."

Deidara grinned ruthlessly and the bird took off, spiraling high into the sky. It soared upward at speeds that shouldn't have been possible for a bird of its size. When it disappeared from sight, Jaye looked at Clari and grinned. "I bet he's gonna say 'Art is a bang!' after it goes off."

"Okay, I bet he won't," Clari smirked. "Ten bu - "

"KATSU!"

Clari jumped as the ground rattled with the force of the explosion, a big _ka-boom! _that was much louder than thunder could ever be. Cats hissed, car alarms went off, and Clari slapped her forehead. An orange blossom of flame had taken over a good part of the sky, giving everything a fiery glow. The three of them gaped at it, wide eyed, while Deidara beamed with the pride of a father.

Jaye blinked. "Holy. Shit."

"I know, un," Deidara said with a sigh. "It was beautiful."

The back door opened. "What was that?" Lily said, storming outside. She looked around, but the explosion was done. The only thing remaining were the bright lights in the four witness's eyes and the bundle of smoke in the sky big enough to be mistaken for a cloud.

"Hey Mom!" Jaye said with a wave. "Deidara just set off a bomb. It's no big deal. Right, Deidara?"

"It was the best I've ever done," Deidara objected, taking his eyes off the spot were the explosion happened to glare at Jaye. "Of course it's a big deal, un!"

"Whatever," Lily said, shaking her head. "Just come inside. I think we're going to the beach tomorrow."

"Oh, really?"

"Yeah, I need a vacation."

Clari grabbed Deidara's hand and tugged him towards the house as he stared at the sky, still transfixed by his mighty explosion. "Come on, it's over," she said, pulling him towards the door.

"B-but...it was so...artistic, un."

"Yeah, it was," Clari agreed. "But it was fleeting, and now it's gone. Time to let it go."

"But..." Deidara looked up at the sky again.

"Come _on_," Clari urged, grabbing his arm and using all her strength to uproot him from his spot. "We've gotta pack if Lily is serious about going to the beach tomorrow. And we have to fix the truck."

Deidara sighed and followed Clari. "Art is a - "

Clari slapped a hand over his mouth. "Don't say it or I lose ten bucks."

Deidara said something, but it was muffled by Clari's hand.

They walked in to Pein jumping on the couch, and everybody else trying to get him to sit down so Jaye could hypnotize him. There was a lot of yelling, a lot of screaming, and a lot of cursing, but no one dared touch Pein in case they had a repeat of the other night.

Finally, Itachi came up to Hidan. "Approximately how hard were you swinging the bat when it hit him?" he asked, his hands folded behind his back.

"How the fuck am I supposed to know?" Hidan cried, dodging a gummy bear Pein threw at him.

"Show me."

Hidan demonstrated how he had swung the bat. Itachi nodded and walked up to Pein. He unleashed the bat from behind his back and swung it with the approximate force that Hidan had exhibited, hitting Pein in the exact same place. The Akatsuki Leader toppled off the couch and onto the floor, looking dead. Itachi tossed the aluminum bat over his shoulder and checked his pulse. "He's fine. I expect that the results will be the same as before: amnesia."

"Y-you...you hit him on the head..." Konan whispered, pointing.

"Indeed, I did," Itachi agreed, hoisting Pein up and placing him on the recliner. He turned to Zetsu, who was equally shocked as everyone else in the room. "When he wakes up, brief him as thoroughly as possible. We'll wait for him to get his memories back, rather than using hypnosis."

There was silence.

"Well, I say we pack for the beach tomorrow," Lily suggested, "I'm tired. I'm going to bed."

"Beach, beach, beach!" Tobi chanted, clapping.

"Why is she tired?" Jaye asked. "She didn't do anything."

"I heard that!"

Jaye scoffed. "C'mon, Bear, we're going to bed."

"Yes, my Queen."

"I'm going to bed too," Clari yawned.

"Me too, un."

"Tobi will go to bed with Deidara-senpai!"

"Damn it, Tobi, don't _ever_ say that again."

The others migrated upstairs as well, leaving Zetsu and Pein alone in the living room. Zetsu pulled out the couch and stretched, flopping down on the squeaky mattress. He glanced over at Pein, eyes narrowed in thought. And, though he knew the Leader was asleep and didn't remember anything, he asked the question that had been bothering him for several months now.

"If the underwear I found in your room wasn't Konan's...then whose was it?"

* * *

><p><strong>If you need clarification, go to "Highway to Hell" it talks about that time when Zetsu found lady's underwear in Pein's room and Itachi caught him and Itachi blackmailed him into fixing the wall. 'Member...?<strong>

**Sorry for the delay on this chapter, I was on vacation. It's super long though, so I made up for it! :D And the next chapter we're going to the beach! Yay! We all know the story isn't complete without the beach episode.**

**And for those of you who are wondering, Bear will be granted knighthood in the next chapter. I just couldn't find a place to fit it in. :( **

**Review! Do it! I have hypnotized you!**


	7. The Beach Episode

**Chapter Six: The Beach Episode **(because it had to be done)

* * *

><p>Clari was peeved over the radio in the morning, more so than the damage to the engine of the truck. Her string of nonstop glares was more exasperating than frightening for Jaye and Hidan, because it made them feel rather guilty. The engine they could probably fix, Lily had declared, peering into the mess of twisted, blackened metal. But Hidan's fingers had clawed the place for the radio too severely for it to ever be replaced.<p>

Either way, the truck was not to be driven to the beach and, no matter how big the Beast was, there was no way they could cram twelve people in it, much less their baggage. Jaye and Clari called Seth to see if they could borrow his car, even asking if he and Ryan wanted to join them. He declined, claiming that he had work, but they were free to use his car. He would call Ryan's or his mom and ask if they would pick him up after work.

It worked out perfectly then, because the Beast fit eight and Seth's new car fit four.

And so, they packed.

"Umbrellas, check! Food, check! Towels, check! Sunscreen, check! Jaye what're you - no, we can't bring your fish to see their 'home land'! Go put them back!"

Finally, after Jaye put Shark Bait, Pablo II, and Sebastian back in their aquarium and left to go get Seth's car from the mall parking lot, they stuffed as much as they could into the trunk of the Beast. Kisame, Itachi, Hidan, and Kakuzu were all forcing the trunk closed when Jaye pulled up to the curb in a shiny, yet tiny, car. There was a unanimous groan; nobody wanted to be stuck in a small space like that with three other people for two hours straight.

"Clari and I can ride together since we tolerate each other pretty well," Jaye said, rolling down the window of Seth's car. "We can take turns driving."

"I wanna ride with Clari, un!" Deidara said. He turned to glare at Tobi. "And I refuse to ride with _him_."

"Oh, Deidara-senpai! Tobi is a good boy!"

Kakuzu shoved Hidan forward. "Here, take him too. He's been getting on my nerves all morning. I'd rather ride with Tobi and Leader."

"Last time Jaye and Hidan rode in a car together, they ended up stranded on the side of the road without a radio in the car," Clari pointed out.

"But see, you'll be there to prevent that," Lily said, patting Clari's shoulder.

"You just don't want to deal with them," Clari grumbled.

"You know me too well."

"C'mon, we're not _that_ bad," Jaye said defensively.

No one bothered to comment, not even Hidan.

"Wait!" Bear called, bolting from the house. He stopped in front of Jaye, his tail wagging furiously and his tongue lolling out of his mouth. "I want to come to the beach with my Queen!"

Jaye bit her lip. She didn't think dogs were allowed at the beach they were going to, and she was sure that Seth didn't want dog hair in his new car. Suddenly she had an idea. She grabbed the huge beach umbrella and held it like a staff. "Well, knights don't go to the beach," she said, "and I need someone to protect my castle. Will thy relinquish his standing as a dog and serve me, Queen Jayden, as a knight?"

Bear nodded, starry-eyed.

"And will thy protect me, my fellows, and my abode?"

"Y-yes," Bear managed to stutter.

Jaye nodded solemnly and tapped the point of the umbrella on each of Bear's shoulders. "Then I hereby crown thee Sir Bear of Jayden Kingdom. Protect my territory well, humble knight."

So, after Bear had wobbled back inside and they had stuffed even more luggage into Seth's car, they all got into their respective vehicles and they were off on the two hour journey to the beach.

Clari drove first, with Deidara in the passenger seat and Jaye and Hidan in the back. She sighed as the gas light clicked on. "Jaye, why didn't you stop for gas on the way here?"

"The gas light wasn't on when I was driving," Jaye said with a shrug.

Clari pulled into a gas station and ordered everyone to stay in the car while she filled up the tank. But Jaye immediately ignored her request and got out of the car with her. "I'm gonna go get some snacks," she explained, heading towards the gas station. "You want anything?"

"No," Clari said.

While she idly watched the numbers, Hidan got out. "What's taking Bitch so long?" he roared. "I'm gonna go see."

"Wait, Hidan, I don't think that - " But he was already jogging up to the building, nearly being hit by a car in the process. Clari shrugged and turned back to the numbers as his swearing drowned out the car's honking horn.

"What's that smell?" Deidara inquired, suddenly popping up beside her. He sniffed the air, oblivious to her near-heart attack. "It smells flammable."

"That's 'cause it is," Clari replied, perking up as the pump stopped, "highly flammable. So don't accidentally blow anything up, okay?"

Deidara waved her up. "I've never _accidentally_ blown anything up before."

"That's not exactly comforting," Clari remarked, paying for the gas. She frowned and glanced at the gas station. "What's taking them so long?"

"I dunno. Wanna go check it out?"

They headed over to the gas station and looked around for Jaye and Hidan. Finally they heard them arguing over by the candy, where Hidan had loaded his arms with snacks and Jaye was telling him that she didn't have enough money to pay for all of it.

"Two things for the road," Jaye said, gesturing to her selection: a Snickers bar and a Mountain Dew. "We have snacks for the beach. They're with Mom."

"But - " Hidan began, looking forlornly at his pile of goods.

"Two things, Hidan," Clari agreed, plucking a Kit Kat bar from his arms and wandering over to the freezers to get a soda.

"But I wanna try all of it!" Hidan complained.

"We don't have enough cash," Jaye repeated, "and we're not stealing anything. So pick two things and put all that other crap back. Most of that fruit stuff tastes the same anyway."

Hidan surrendered everything except for the Reese's cups, which Clari and Jaye both assured him were good, and a Coca Cola. Deidara grabbed a bag of gummy worms and some lemonade and then they were back on the road, this time with Jaye driving.

"Don't. Touch. The. Radio," she said as Deidara reached for it. He slowly removed his hand, instead opting to fumbling around with his bag of gummy worms.

"Hey!" he suddenly exclaimed, plucking something out. "There's a gummy bear in my gummy worm bag!"

"No way!" Jaye and Clari said simultaneously, looking curiously at the small, fruit-flavored, animal-shaped snack. Indeed, it was a bear and not a worm. Deidara pinched it between his thumb and forefinger, peering at it with his visible blue eye.

"So artistic, un," he decided with a sigh. "I can't eat it."

"I can," Jaye said, plucking it from his hand and popping it in her mouth. Deidara momentarily looked utterly heartbroken, then his face turned a furious red. Hidan and Clari quickly grabbed him before he could lunge at her. Jaye swerved as a scuffle ensued, Clari unfortunately in the middle of it.

"Maybe I should drive," she said, glaring at Jaye as Hidan held Deidara down by his hair.

"Good idea. I don't think I should sit beside him for a while."

"YOU - ATE - MY - GUMMY - BEAR! IT WAS SO - ARTISTIC! AND - AND SPECIAL, UN!"

"Yeah, I don't think you should."

oOoOoOoOo

When they arrived at the beach, Lily and the others were already there, unloading stuff. Itachi was in the midst of freeing Tobi, whose hands, feet, and mouth they had to duct tape together for the car ride. He ran out into the sand, ecstatic that he was finally unbound.

"What exactly are you supposed to do at the beach?" Itachi asked as they helped him carry the last of the stuff. The others had gone down to the beach beforehand, claiming that they would start ripping out throats otherwise.

"Hm...you can tan...or build sandcastles...or surf if you know how to...I don't know, just do whatever you want," Clari suggested, readjusting the inner-tube in her arms. "As long as it's not illegal," she added.

"Damn," Deidara said, his voice muffled by the stack of towels he was carrying.

Lily was lounging under the shade of a giant umbrella, ravenously reading a book. Jaye quirked an eyebrow and searched for a title. She rolled her eyes. "Dear gods, Mother," she snorted, shaking her head, "how many times are you gonna read that book before you realize that you're going to cry at the end no matter what?"

Lily didn't seem to hear her; she kept reading, her eyes flying across the pages. Itachi tilted his head. "What is she reading?"

" 'The Sickly-Sweet Romance That Always Makes You Cry,' " Clari replied without even looking at the book. "She's read it twenty times already, and I'm not even exaggerating. She cries every time, especially when she reads it on the beach."

"What's it about?" Itachi asked warily, trying to get a glimpse of the cover. There was nothing but the title, which dominated the cover in vomit-inducing pink, curly lettering.

Clari and Jaye just stared at him. "Itachi, it's called 'The Sickly-Sweet Romance That Always Makes You Cry, ' " Jaye said, "what the hell do you think it's about? It's smut with a tragically sad ending."

Lily held up a finger to silence her daughter. "Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh," she whispered, her eyes still glued to the book. She brought her hand back down to flip the page without another word.

"She's gonna be like this all day," Jaye sighed. "I didn't realize this is what she meant when she said she needed a vacation. Let's go, Clari."

They left to go test the waters of the ocean, leaving the others on the shore. Konan was splayed out on a towel, tanning beside Lily. Itachi looked around for the other Akatsuki members. Tobi was showing Leader how to build a sandcastle; Kisame was scaring the other beach-goers away, on Lily's command; Zetsu was collecting seashells; Kakuzu had "borrowed" a metal detector from a blind old man and was taking a walk, looking for valuable items; Deidara and Hidan were as confounded as he was, and standing there looking like idiots. Itachi realized that he probably looked like an idiot too and flopped down next to Lily under the umbrella.

"I'm gonna tan," Deidara decided, laying a towel down on the sand and laying next to Konan.

"You are such a girl," Hidan scoffed.

"Fuck off."

Hidan ignored this and grabbed a surfboard, holding it up in the air, screeching, "I'm gonna surf!"

"Hidan, do you even know how to surf?" Konan asked from her place on the towel.

"Yes!" said Hidan in a way that suggested he didn't but was going to try anyway. He ran into the water, only to be toppled over by the first wave he encountered.

Jaye blatantly pointed and laughed, causing Hidan to argue with her uproariously until Kisame became fed up with it, dragged them both into the water, and proceeded to dunk them until they stopped screaming at each other. Clari, who was a certified lifeguard, pretended not to notice. Unfortunately she was tackled and carried into the water by Deidara, who had grown bored of laying in the sun and decided that there was no better form of entertainment (besides art) than that of antagonizing Clari.

Tobi topped off his enormous sandcastle with a lumpy clump of moistened sand. He grinned at it proudly. "What do you think, Leader-sama?"

"It looks...good," Pein lied, nodding approvingly. Well, it looked better than his sandcastle, which held a resemblance to Spongebob Squarepant's house if it rotted to the ground.

"Tobi is going to show Deidara-senpai!" Tobi said, looking for his elusive partner. He finally found him being abused by a waterlogged Clari. Tobi bit his lip and put on floaties before he got in the ocean, much to Konan's amusement.

"Deidara-senpai!" he yelled to be heard over the sound of Clari's cursing. "Deidara-senpai! Come look at Tobi's sandcastle! It's art!"

"Art?" Deidara said, standing still long enough for Clari to finally whack him upside the head.

"Yes, Deidara-senpai! Art! It's beautiful art, come take a look!"

"What's he going on about?" Clari asked, watching as Tobi dog-paddled back to shore.

"He says he made art," Deidara explained. "I gotta see this, un."

They followed the enthusiastic masked man up to the shore, where Pein was sitting next to a sorry lump and looking at it miserably. Tobi's sandcastle was a bit more extravagant, with sea shells and seaweed stuck to it in a semblance of windows and doors, and a second lump which Clari supposed was the second floor of the castle.

"That's not art," Deidara scoffed. "That's...I don't know what that is."

"B-but...Tobi worked so hard on it..."

"It's a decent sandcastle, Tobi," Clari cut in, shooting Deidara a look. "It's very good for a first attempt."

"It's better than mine," Pein input, looking down at his squashed mound of sand.

"But it's not art," Deidara persisted, sitting himself down in the sand. "I'll show you art!"

"Yay! Deidara-senpai is making sandcastles with Tobi!"

"Shut up! I'm just demonstrating proper sculpting techniques, worthy of being called art! It's a lesson, so pay attention, un!"

"Yes, senpai!"

Clari jumped as Kisame tapped on her shoulder. "I scared everybody away without alerting the officials," he reported, knocking water out of his ear. "What should I do now?"

"Whatever you want," Clari said. She looked down at Deidara, Tobi, and Pein, who were all gathering enormous amounts of sand and building foundations for their masterpieces. She looked back up at Kisame. "You wanna build sandcastles with us?"

"Nah, I think I'm gonna knock Hidan off his surfboard."

Clari plopped down in the sand. "Okay."

Hidan's chorus of curses was soon heard all the way to the peir. He stormed out of the water, brandishing his surfboard at Kisame like a weapon. "Get away from me!" he screeched as Kisame laughed so hard he would have drowned if not for his gills.

"Hidan!" Jaye called, running over to him. He wrinkled his nose at the layer of sand she was covered in. "Hidan! I dug a hole!"

"Obviously," Hidan replied, throwing his surfboard on the ground. Kisame had taken a bite out of it, so he couldn't surf anymore even if he had wanted to. He'd gotten fed up with trying to learn and deal with the shark-man's ridicule.

"You should let me bury you in the sand!"

"Fuck no."

"Please? I already dug a hole and everything!" Jaye pleaded, unleashing the puppy-dog eyes she learned from Clari and Bear. She saw Hidan's cheek twitch, and knew she was getting somewhere. "It'll be relaxing!"

"How the fuck is piling sand on me supposed to be relaxing?" Hidan asked.

"It just is! It's like...like being cocooned in a heavy, warm blanket. Please?"

"...Fine..." Hidan finally said. Jaye cheered and lead him over to the gargantuan hole she had dug with an assortment of plastic sand toys. Hidan gaped at it. "Holy crap, that's at least a foot deep."

"Yeah, I know," Jaye agreed. She pushed him in, and watched as he landed with a thump. "Get comfortable, because once I start you're not getting out until I'm done."

Hidan situated himself, and Jaye began shoveling in sand from the huge pile she had beside the hole. Hidan had to admit, after a while it did get pretty relaxing. He leaned his head back and tried to wiggle his toes, but found that it was impossible. He opened an eye to see Jaye patting the sand, which was almost to his collar bone.

"Hey, don't pack it so tight," he commanded.

"Okay," Jaye said, but she made no change. "I'm almost done."

Then next time Hidan opened his eyes, the sand was to his chin and Jaye had stopped piling it on him. Instead she was making designs in the sand where is body was. He tried to raise his head, but found that it was very hard. "What're you doing?"

"Oh, nothing," Jaye said innocently, finishing up with a flick of her finger. "I'll get the camera so you can see."

She ran off. Hidan wriggled around, but found with a sudden panic that he couldn't move. He craned his neck again to see what Jaye had illustrated, and managed to get a glimpse of it.

A mermaid's tail. She had drawn a mermaid's tail where his legs were supposed to be. In fact, his whole body seemed to be that of a female mermaid, complete with a shell-bra and long, swirling hair around his head. He tried to move, to get out of it, and realized that Jaye had packed the sand too tight. He couldn't move.

"_BIIIIIIIITCH!_" he roared to no avail. The only response he got was Kisame, who pointed and chortled and went to get the others.

oOoOoOoOo

"Now _this_ is art, un," Deidara declared, gesturing to his intricate sandcastle. He'd used nothing but his hands, which had rejected the gritty sand at first, but eventually spit out miniature bricks for his castle. After that was constructed, he also sculpted decorative gargoyles and little people. The masterpiece of a sandcastle came complete with a moat and a tiny draw-bridge made of stick-like seaweed found washed up on the beach.

"Indeed," Clari agreed, staring at her average-grade sandcastle with contempt while people came around to gawk at Deidara's grand medieval replica. Tobi looked even more deflated, as his sandcastle was still nothing more than a mound of dirt with a few seashells on it. Pein had given up completely and gone to lay in the sun next to Konan. Not that he would ever achieve the impressive tan Konan and Itachi were getting; he looked as though he'd just rolled around in several tubes of sunscreen.

Clari frowned at Deidara, pursing her lips. She crawled over to poke him in the face. He gave her a look. "What was that for?"

"Did you put on sunscreen?" she inquired, trying not to grin at the small round circle her finger left behind on his cheek. Deidara gave a dismissal wave, but Clari wasn't sure if he was dismissing the notion that he would be so careless as to forget sunscreen or if he was dismissing the suggestion he should put sunscreen on altogether.

Suddenly, a huge wave crashed down on the shore and obliterated all three of their sandcastles, much to the onlookers' dismay. They went along with their business, chattering about how awesome the sandcastle was.

Deidara looked entirely crestfallen, as did Tobi. Clari, who had been expecting a wave eventually, looked out into the water and remarked, "The tide's coming in."

"My...my art..." Deidara sniffed, "it didn't even go out with a bang."

"No, more of a whoosh," Tobi said.

"Art is a whoosh," Clari tried on her tongue.

Deidara shook his head. "It doesn't have the same ring to it."

"Guys!" Kisame ran over to them, tearing up with laughter. "Come check this out! It's freaking hilarious!"

With a curious glance at each other, Deidara, Tobi, and Clari followed Kisame over to a small orange speck in the sand. As they grew closer, they realized that the orange spot was Hidan's dyed hair. His head was sticking out of the sand.

"Did someone decapitate him?" Clari gasped, panicked.

"No, even better," Kisame giggled. He led them ever closer still, until they were standing directly in front of Hidan and staring, dumbfounded, at the illustration below him. It was a female mermaid's body, waving a the passerby, along with flowing hair and fish and bubbles. Hidan's face took the vacancy of the head. It looked as though he _was_ the female mermaid.

And he did not seem at all happy about it.

"Get me out of here!" he screamed, thrashing his head back and forth.

"Wait, wait, wait," Jaye said, marching over to them with a camera in her hand and the others (minus Lily, who was still glued to her book) behind her. "I found the camera. I gotta take a picture."

"Hang on," Clari said, heading over to Hidan's feet. She wrote something in the sand, and then stepped back so the others could read it. In curly cursive she had written: _The Little Mermaid_.

"Oh, perfect," Jaye declared, bringing the camera to her eye.

"No! Bitch, don't even think abou - "

_Snap!_

The Akatsuki roared with laughter, attracting much attention from other beach-goers. Jaye grinned, pleased with the photographic evidence of her work and Hidan's humiliation. Deidara peaked over her shoulder, shaking with merriment.

"Now that's art," he said.

"I think so," Jaye agreed, pocketing the camera.

"Bitch! Let me out so I can kill you!" Hidan snarled, struggling more than ever.

"Not your best argument," Jaye remarked with a snort. "Why would I let you out if it meant my demise? Really, Hidan, you're asking for it."

And she walked away.

"Wait! Let me out!"

"Not until you stop yelling death threats at me."

"Okay! Just let me the fuck out, dammit!"

"No, I don't believe you. You have to calm down first."

"I AM CALM!"

"Coulda fooled me."

The others dispersed, leaving Hidan stranded and screaming all by his lonesome. Kakuzu paused and turned back around. Hidan was almost relieved until Kakuzu pulled a small silver hair clip from his pocket.

"I thought I could polish it and get some money for it," he said, bending down next to Hidan's convulsing head. He managed to get the hair clip on and assessed his work with a smile. "But it just suits you so well."

"Go to hell, Kakuzu," Hidan snapped, glaring beneath the glint of the clip in his hair.

"I'll save a seat for you."

oOoOoOoOo

Itachi glanced at Lily from the corner of his eye, frowning. She was still glued to the book, which she had almost completed in a matter of hours. She laid on her stomach, the book inches from her nose, every emotion plain on her face. It was quite amusing at first, to watch her features melt from shock to scandal to sorrow to happiness and back again. Once she blushed furiously and Itachi curiously tried to peer over her shoulder to see what she was reading, but the words were too small. He couldn't move without looking suspicious.

Now he was becoming bored. Generally Itachi didn't mind an absence of conversation, but having someone in such close proximity without speaking to them for three hours straight seemed strange. Even Kisame talked to him more often than that.

The others had gone into the ocean after seeing Hidan. Itachi watched them swim, float in inner-tubes, surf (or attempt to in some cases), and otherwise torment each other. He glanced back at Lily, who had remained under the shelter of her umbrella and swaddled in a t-shirt and shorts for the entire time. It was glaringly hot outside; even Jaye and Clari had shed their modest outer layer of clothing and revealed bathing suits, much to the delight of Hidan and Deidara, respectively. Lily was either abnormally conservative or so absorbed in her book that she wouldn't have noticed if she died of heat stroke.

Itachi decided to try for conversation.

"What was that book called again, Lily?" he asked pleasantly. She didn't answer; she turned the cover his way, exposing the swirling pink letters without taking her eyes off the page.

"Is it any good?" He got a thumbs-up in return.

"Oh, look, Jaye's top just came off." A lie, of course, but not even that was effective. Lily paid no mind; she just gasped and hurriedly fumbled with the page, trying to read the next sequence of words.

Itachi's mouth became a thin line. He was not used to being ignored, and he did not like it.

He stood up, loomed over her, and snatched the book from her hands. Lily was jerked out of her stupor and gaped at him as he strode purposely towards the ocean. Her eyes widen. "Itachi? Itachi what are you doing?" she cried frantically, scrambling off of her beach chair and chasing after him. "Itachi! Itachi, don't do it! Give it back! No! No, no, no, don't - "

But it was too late. In one fluid movement, he'd chucked the worn, paperback monstrosity of a book into the ocean. It flew high into the sky, over the heads of the astounded Akatsuki and girls, and plopped into the water right in front of a jet ski. The jet skier swerved sharply and fell off of his vehicle, popping up momentarily and swimming after it.

Lily fell to her knees in the sand, tears springing up in her eyes. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" she screamed, burying her face in her hands as she was enveloped in an episode of loud, ragged sobs.

"Well, what d'you know?" Clari said as she watched the entire thing from her inner-tube. "It really is 'The Sickly-Sweet Romance That Always Makes You Cry.' "

Deidara promptly tipped her over.

oOoOoOoOo

Extermination of the smutty book did Itachi no good. Lily still refused to talk to him, this time out of spite instead of rapt attention to something else. She sat under her umbrella, occasionally sniffing, and stared out into the ocean angrily.

The others came up for snacks. Lily was stoically silent as the others tried to talk to her. Finally, Jaye rolled her eyes and said, "C'mon, Mom, get over it. You've read that thing twenty times already."

Lily tossed up her nose and looked pointedly at Konan, who had just finished her sandwich. "Konan, do you know how to surf?" she asked.

"No," Konan admitted.

"Would you like to learn?"

"Um...sure."

Without another word, she stood and shimmied out of her shorts. Then, when those were safely in the bag, she grabbed the hem of her t-shirt and pulled it over her head.

Every male jaw in the Akatsuki dropped. Lily exercised nearly every day, and she had a naturally volumptious figure. Most of the time it went unnoticed under her business clothes and t-shirts, but there was absolutely no doubt about it; Lily in a bikini was a sight that made every woman cringe with envy.

She grabbed a surfboard and handed one to Konan. "Let's go," she said, marching out into the ocean with her blue-haired friend.

"Holy shit, Jaye," Kakuzu said after a while of them all just staring after her, "your mom is _fine_."

"Ew," Jaye said, grimacing. It was one thing for them all to be thinking it, but another matter entirely for them to be saying it aloud. This was the woman who gave birth to her, after all.

"It's times like these I wish I lived in this world," Zetsu said sadly. "_As if you would have had a shot with her anyway...No, but I still like to look..._What's the point of looking if you can't touch?_"_

"Please stop talking," Jaye suggested, plugging her ears. She was glad she did, because there was a pause and she heard Clari beside her shriek, "_Hidan!_"

"S-she's not all that," Deidara squeaked, quickly clearing his throat. "I-I mean, she's _okay_ - "

"Just shut up," Clari sighed, rolling her eyes. "You all are disgusting, hormone-driven perverts. Think about who you're talking about - Lily. Jaye's _mother_."

But her words were lost as the Akatsuki realized there was single surfboard left, and they all made a mad dash for it. She sighed and shook her head as they wrestled for it and Jaye hummed a loud tune while covering her ears with her hands.

"What is going on?"

Every pair of eyes turned to a dripping Lily, who was looking at them as if they were all insane. They did nothing but gape at her in all her majesty for a moment, then Deidara opened his mouth. Clari slapped a hand over it, pinching the bridge of her nose between her thumb and forefinger.

"I think it's time for us to leave," she proposed.

Lily shrugged. "Okay. Go ahead and start packing up. I'll go get Konan and tell her." She raced down to the water, oblivious to the eight pairs of eyes trailing her every move.

Kisame elbowed Itachi in the ribs, grinning. "Sure sorry you pissed her off, eh?"

Itachi seemed to be at a loss for words.

oOoOoOoOo

They clamored into the car, sandy and tired. Deidara stretched, taking his place in the passenger seat. "That was fun, un," he decided, smiling contently, "we should go to the beach more often."

Jaye yawned. "I'm tired. Let's go home, Clari."

"I drove here," Clari said dryly, pulling out of the parking lot, "so shouldn't you be driving back?"

"You offered to drive."

"Because Deidara was going to kill you otherwise."

"He could have sat in the back. You really need to plan better," Jaye reasoned. "Besides, if I drive I might fall asleep at the wheel. I'm really tired."

Clari sighed and followed the Beast out of the parking lot. Just as they were turning into the road, Jaye gasped and screamed, "WAIT!"

Clari slammed on the breaks, jerking them all forward. Cars honked behind her and swerved to avoid hitting Seth's car. She turned to the back seat, blinking at Jaye wildly. "What's wrong?"

"We forgot the bastard," Jaye grumbled, jabbing a thumb at the empty seat beside her. Clari let out a breath and scowled at her cousin.

"Don't ever scream like that again while I'm driving," she said, turning around. "You almost gave me a heart attack."

Deidara rubbed his forehead where it hit the dashboard. "Why does this always happen with you?" he asked to no one in particular, attempting to get a glimpse of his forehead though it was impossible.

They drove back and rushed to where Hidan was still buried. He was screaming his head off for help, but then started screaming at them as they dug him out of the ground.

"YOU FUCKING FORGOT ME HERE!" he accused, veins popping out of his neck.

"Why didn't you get our attention when we were packing?" Jaye grunted, heaving out more sand from the hole. "You were quiet for once, and then you just decide to shut up when you actually need to yell?"

"I fell asleep!"

"Holy shit, Jaye, how deep did you bury him?" Clari gasped, flopping down from exhaustion.

"Well, he couldn't move, so pretty deep."

"I can't feel anything, by the way," Hidan remarked, "thanks a lot, Bitch."

Once they finally unearthed Hidan, got his limbs working again, stopped him from attacking Jaye, washed him off, stopped him from drowning Jaye, walked back to the car, and stopped both Hidan and Deidara from attacking Jaye, they were finally on the road again.

"I'm hungry," Hidan complained. "I haven't eaten anything all day."

So they stopped at another gas station and grabbed snacks, once again having to persuade Hidan not to shoplift. Then they were on the road again (again).

"Okay, does anybody else need to stop?" Clari growled.

"Yeah...I gotta pee," Jaye admitted.

Clari huffed and pulled up next to a cluster of trees. "Go pee, then."

"I can hold it."

Everyone was yawning and ready to sleep by the time the sky faded into evening. Hidan was snoring away in the back seat already, much to everyone's annoyance. Deidara was trying to figure out how to recline his seat.

"This one?" he asked, gesturing to a lever.

"I don't know, it's not my car," Clari said.

Deidara pulled the lever and the seat shot forward, crushing his knees into the dashboard. "Nope, not that one," he said, pushing the seat back.

"Jeez," Clari said under her breath, stopping at a light and leaning over to assist Deidara. Apparently the light had turned green while she was trying to figure it out, because there was a chorus of honks behind her.

"I got it!" Deidara said, reaching across Clari to grab the wheel. Clari was not mean to twist that way, and readjusted her foot to compensate; the car swerved nearly off the road. Jaye leapt forward to try and arrest the wheel from Deidara's hands, and the car swerved in a different direction; the chair finally reclined, and she was knocked back onto Hidan, who exploded into a loud bout of swearing for being woken up. An argument about hypocrisy ensued.

"Deidara - let - me - up!" Clari demanded, finally untangling herself from the blonde artist and grabbing the steering wheel. She straighten out the car and surrendered to her own fit of screaming, shouting loudly at the drivers who were honking, cursing, or gesturing at her.

The rest of the car was silent by the time she was done.

"Road rage much, Clari?" Jaye scoffed.

Clari went very red in the face, but Deidara interrupted before she could erupt again. "I'm too far back," he complained. Jaye helped him push the seat up, more for her own benefit than for his. She was becoming rather squished.

Finally, everyone but Clari fell asleep. She yawned and slapped her cheeks, trying to stay awake. She heard Deidara snore softly beside her, and Jaye turn restlessly behind her. Evidently she was having trouble finding a comfortable place to rest her head.

Fed up, Hidan grabbed her head and roughly put it on his shoulder. "Here, bitch, just go to sleep," he said in a harsh whisper. Clari tried to retain her smile; both of them were an impossible shade of scarlet, which she could see even in the dark car. But they both eventually closed their eyes and went to sleep, becoming a lot less stiff and awkward as they did so. Clari smiled widely.

Perhaps those couple's anger management classes were doing them some good after all.

**Fun chapter that's not really related to the story but kind of ties in anyway! Yay! I had a lot of fun right this; I understand why it's in almost ever single Akatsuki story now. I hope it wasn't too terribly cliche. I did my best to come up with original beach ideas.**

**Your thoughts, please?**


	8. Trust Falls and Ointment

**Chapter Seven: Trust Falls and Ointment**

* * *

><p>"Damn class," Jaye moaned, grabbing the keys to Seth's car. The truck was still at the shop, and would be there until that afternoon. She would pick it up, then follow Clari to Seth's to drop off his car, then they would ride to the house. But of course, there was always step one; endure the torment of couples' anger management class.<p>

Luckily, there were only two more sessions left. Hidan's hair was beginning to return to it's normal silvery shade; it was a light, coppery blonde now. Clari didn't even bother to put in his contacts anymore; if anyone asked, he was instructed to lie and say he was already wearing colored contacts.

"Where is Deidara?" Clari huffed, checking the clock. It was time for them to be out the door, and he hadn't even come downstairs yet. "I'm gonna go see what's taking him so long."

Tobi was stepping out of the room when Clari climbed the stairs. He shook his head. "Tobi wouldn't do that if he were Clari-chan," he warned, seeing her reach for the door knob. "Deidara-senpai is in a really grumpy mood."

"Why?" Clari inquired. Deidara was usually in a good mood on art class days. He might not have liked the teacher, but at least it gave him somewhere to work and a good two or three hours away from Tobi. She didn't wait for Tobi's response; she just opened the door.

Inside, Deidara was splayed out on the bed, staring up at the ceiling with a dull, blank look on his face. His hair wasn't fixed, his shirt was clenched in his fist, and his pants weren't even buttoned all the way. Clari could see why immediately and had to stifle bubbles of "I told you so" laughter.

Deidara was suffering from a severe sunburn; quite frankly, he was as red as a lobster. Evidently completing average chores (such as fixing his hair and putting on clothes) was too painful. Clari had to admit, after the smug giggles had subsided, she felt rather sorry for him.

"I take it you aren't going to class today," she said, walking in and peering more closely at his red face. He was radiating heat, even from where she stood. Clari was afraid that if she pressed her hand to his skin, she might burn herself. But she poked him in the chest anyway.

"Ow," Deidara hissed, wincing as her finger made contact with his sunburn.

"Do you want me to stay?" Clari asked, prodding him in the chest again and watching him jolt. He swiftly grabbed her hand before she could do it once more, gritting his teeth soon afterward.

"Not if you're going to keep poking me, un," he growled.

"Sorry," Clari said. "I've gotta drive Hidan and Jaye to anger management anyway...I'll ask Zetsu about it and see if he can do anything about your sunburn, okay?"

He replied with a grunt and let go of her hand, rolling over on his side and emitting a loud groan of agony afterward. Clari rolled her eyes at his dramatic display of pain and patted his shoulder reassuringly (and somewhat sadistically). "You'll survive," she said. "Just think - it can't be any worse than your hangover."

Deidara decided that it was better not to answer.

oOoOoOoOo

"Today, class, we're doing trust falls," Mrs. Joy began once all of her unruly students were situated. Jaye rolled her eyes. Trust falls? How much lamer could you get? Hidan met her eye and made it obvious by his face that he was thinking the same thing.

"If you don't know what a trust fall is, I'll demonstrate," Mrs. Joy said. She picked a random student. Unfortunately, that random student was Jaye. Grumbling, she trudged over to the teacher in the center of the circle of chairs. "Now, Jaye, I need you to turn around so your back is to me, spread your arms out, and just fall back. Don't worry, I'll catch you."

"How do I know?" Jaye muttered under her breath, but contradictorily complying to the teacher's commands.

"You don't," Mrs. Joy said brightly, oblivious that Jaye's was a rhetorical question, "that's the beauty of it. I could decide that I don't want to catch you, and let you fall to the ground and bust your head wide open. You're just going to have to trust me."

Jaye turned her head to give her teacher a _WTF?_ look. Mrs. Joy blinked at her placidly, waiting with her hands outstretched. Jaye turned back around and glanced at Hidan, narrowing her eyes when she saw that he had a stupid grin plastered to his face. She wanted nothing more than to slap it off, but Mrs. Joy would probably get mad at her for that and call Clari.

She closed her eyes and let herself reluctantly fall back, breathing a sigh of relief when the teacher's pudgy arms caught her. Mrs. Joy seemed like the happy-go-lucky-sadistic type, so there was no telling what she might do at this point.

"Great, Jaye, great!" Mrs. Joy cheered, smiling. "Everybody, give a round of applause for Jaye!"

A few people submitted a half-assed effort at clapping, but Mrs. Joy seemed oblivious to their lack of enthusiasm. She probably had enough for all of them anyway. Jaye sat back down and punched Hidan hard in the arm when the teacher wasn't looking, effectively silencing his snickers.

"Trust falling is a lot more difficult than it looks," Mrs. Joy said. "Jaye showed a lot of trust in me when she so willingly fell backward, because there was no telling if I was actually going to catch her or not. I could have decided that I didn't like her and let her fall, but that would have put my class out of business. You guys need to learn to trust your companion and to earn your companion's trust. Trust is the foundation of a good relationship. Now, I want all the young gentleman to stand up."

"Hidan, why are you standing up?" Jaye asked, feigning confusion.

"Shut up, bitch," Hidan whispered so Mrs. Joy wouldn't hear.

"All the young ladies, please stand with your back to your respective gentleman and put your arms out. Fall whenever you're ready."

"I'm not falling," Jaye protested, crossing her arms defiantly.

Mrs. Joy prattled over, looking worried. "Why ever not, dear?"

"Because _he_" - she pointed an accusing finger at Hidan - "is going to let me fall to the floor. He's not going to catch me."

"Oh, I'm sure he will," Mrs. Joy said.

"Yeah, bi...aby, have a little faith," Hidan remarked, opening his arms out wide and glancing at Mrs. Joy nervously to see if she caught his almost-slip-up.

"Just go whenever you're ready," Mrs. Joy said hurriedly, tottering off to another couple who were getting progressively louder.

" 'Baby'? That's the only B-word you could come up with?" Jaye hissed.

"It was off the top of my head, okay? Give me a freakin' break!"

"Call me that again, and I will disembowel you."

"Trust me, I won't," Hidan reassured. "I want to cut off my tongue now. C'mon, just fall already, my arms are getting tired."

"No."

"I'm not gonna let you fall, as amusing at it would be," Hidan sighed. "Just do it and let's get it over with."

Jaye reluctantly turned around and spread her arms out. She glanced back over her shoulder at Hidan, who was impatiently waiting for her to fall. "You're really gonna catch me?"

"No, I'm gonna let you fall and bust your head open, have the teacher bitch at me, then go home and have Clari and Lily bitch at me," Hidan said sarcastically, giving her a look. "Seriously, Jaye, I'm gonna catch you. Just fucking fall already."

Jaye squeezed her eyes shut and allowed herself to fall backward, desperately hoping that Hidan wasn't a good liar. She was actually relatively surprised when she felt Hidan's arms stop her departure. She looked up to see him grinning down at her from ear to ear. "See, I told ya I'd catch you."

And then he let her drop to his feet. She glared at him as he stifled roars of laughter. "I'll get you for this, bastard," she mumbled crossly.

"Okay! Now trade places!" Mrs. Joy chirped.

Hidan's grin was wiped from his face. Jaye scrambled up and extended her arms, prepared to catch him. "C'mon, Hidan," she urged, "go ahead and fall."

"Fuck no!" Hidan cried, turning to Mrs. Joy.

"Language," she warned, marking a tally on the clipboard.

"Whatever," he muttered, "but she's gonna let me fall!"

"I'm sure she won't," Mrs. Joy said. "Don't you trust her at all?"

"Yeah, don't you trust me?" Jaye asked, feigning innocence.

"No, I don't!" Hidan exclaimed.

Mrs. Joy tsked. "You two don't have a very healthy relationship, I see."

"C'mon, you caught me, I'll catch you," Jaye promised him.

"Fine," Hidan grumbled, glancing at Mrs. Joy, "but if you try something, I swear - "

"No threats," Mrs. Joy cautioned, poising her pen on her clipboard.

Hidan huffed and turned around, falling without another word. Jaye did catch him, but he weighed a good deal more than she did and they both toppled to the floor, tangled together. Jaye wiggled under Hidan's oppressive body, scowling. "Why do you have to be so fat?" she inquired.

Hidan grinned at her, somewhat relieved that she had cushioned his fall and that she was still capable of speaking. No doubt he would have received a lot of flicks in the ear if he'd squished her. "Please, bitch, you know it's all muscle."

Mrs. Joy sighed and threw her clipboard and pen over her shoulder in exasperation, deciding not to give Hidan or Jaye tallies for their profane use of language as an argument transpired. At this point, every obscenity they shouted at each other might as well have been a term of endearment.

oOoOoOoOo

"Here."

Zetsu threw a bottle of strange-smelling ointment at Deidara, who had still not moved from his position since Clari left. Deidara glanced at it and wrinkled his nose. "What's this?"

"Stuff for your sunburn. Clari asked me to give it to you. Put it on everywhere you have sunburn and it'll be gone by tomorrow, guaranteed or your money back."

"But I didn't pay anything, un."

"A joke," Zetsu said with a sigh. He suddenly grinned sadistically. "You _are_ red as a lobster..._we should poke him..._no, Clari said it will hurt him_..._exactly, wouldn't that be amusing?_"_

"Poke me, and I will kill you," Deidara said simply.

Zetsu, recalling the pain of the tiny explosion he'd endured once long ago, nodded with acceptance. "Fine, whatever. Just get that stuff on before you go to sleep."

Deidara stared at the concoction and looked at Zetsu. "How am I supposed to get it on?"

"Like the sunscreen you _didn't_ put on," Zetsu said. "You rub it in."

"But how am I supposed to get it on my back and stuff?" Deidara asked.

"Don't look at me," Zetsu said, putting both of his hands in the air. "_That sounds like a personal problem_."

Deidara looked forlornly at the green ointment as Zetsu left the room, holding it up to his nose. _Minty_... he thought with approval, twisting the cap and dipping his fingers into the substance. He grimaced as the mouths on his hands stuck out their tongues in disgust. If they didn't like the sunscreen, they were going to hate this even more.

Tobi came in a few minutes later after he heard a large crash come from the room. "Deidara-senpai," he said, frowning slightly when he saw the blonde artist splayed on the ground, slightly shiny as well as red, "what are you doing?"

"Go away, Tobi," Deidara growled, twisting around so he could get sunscreen in the center of his back. It was the only place that still hurt, and it was also the only place he couldn't get.

Tobi seemed to realize Deidara's predicament and perked up a bit. "Oh, Tobi could help Deidara-senpai - " he began, but he stopped short after Deidara shot him a lethal glare.

"You are not rubbing any amount of ointment on my body, un," Deidara deadpanned, continuing to spin in circles as he tried to get the stuff on the patch of his back. "The thought is just wrong."

"But - "

" - no. Go away."

"Yes, Deidara-senpai," Tobi sighed, slumping slightly as he left the room. Pein, Konan, Itachi, and Kisame all glanced up when he came in.

"What was that noise, Tobi?" Pein inquired. "Is Deidara okay?"

"Yes, Deidara-senpai is fine, Leader-sama," Tobi said, flopping down on the couch. "He's just rubbing ointment on his body, that's all."

Pein frowned, utterly confused, while Konan and Kisame burst into hysterical fits of laughter.

oOoOoOoOo

After everyone had finally achieved what Mrs. Joy called "complete trust," she hobbled behind her desk and started digging around, looking for something.

"This is going to be the last stage of your development," she was saying, shuffling some papers around. "We only have one class left, and most of you are ready for graduation." She stopped and pulled out a carton of a dozen eggs, smiling. "If you can take care of an egg until the next class, then you will graduate. If your egg breaks, then you have to return for another semester. I will know if an egg breaks and you try to replace it, because I have drawn faces on the eggs that are impossible to replicate."

She opened the carton and gave every couple an egg. Hidan's and Jaye's was a grinning face with round, bulging eyes and numerous freckles. The faces were fairly impressive; Mrs. Joy must have gotten the art teacher to do them. There was no way she held such talent.

"Wait," Hidan said, "we have to take care of these eggs _together_?"

"Yes, you must cooperate and bring your egg back alive. You must treat it as if it is your baby," Mrs. Joy said, closing the carton. "Otherwise you will fail and come back for another semester. Any more questions?"

Nobody had any other questions; the assignment was quite clear.

"Good," Mrs. Joy said, smiling. "You are dismissed then."

Clari was waiting for them outside the classroom, looking curiously at the signs and banners hanging throughout the hallway. "What's that for?" she asked, pointing at the egg in Jaye's hands.

"It's our baby," Jaye replied with disgust, eying the egg apprehensively. "We have to take care of it for a couple days or else we have to go back for another semester of anger management class."

"Whatever, this is gonna be easy," Hidan added with a dismissal wave. "All we gotta do is leave it somewhere safe - "

" - and refrigerated," Clari tagged on.

" - and leave it alone. Then we bring it back on Thursday and we pass and never have to go to that stupid fucking class ever again."

"Sounds like a plan," Jaye agreed, high-fiving Hidan.

"What're you gonna name it?" Clari inquired, shooting the egg an amused look.

"...Egghead," Hidan and Jaye said simultaneously.

"Of course," Clari said.

The rest of the car ride's conversation was dominated by Hidan and Jaye arguing over who had more of a right to hold the egg. They made the switch with Seth's car and finally got their ("Still radio-less," Clari sighed) truck.

When they got home, they all three froze in the doorway.

There, sitting on their couch, surrounded by wary Akatsuki members, sobbing into a dish towel, was Kathrine Mathews, the only mortal enemy of Clari's and Jaye's that was still alive.

Lily suddenly swooped in and grabbed the girls' hands, dragging them into the kitchen before they could start talking. Hidan was left frozen solid in the doorway, Egghead smiling gleefully at the predicament before them.

"Mother, what the fuck is she doing here?" Jaye hissed, pointing vehemently in Kathrine's direction. Clari seemed to be in some state of shock, and rendered incapable of speech.

"Before we start arguing, let me explain," Lily said hastily. "She came here an hour ago and said that Mr. Mathews disowned her and that she was going to live with her aunt in Canada. Unfortunately she can't afford a plane ticket, so her aunt is driving here to pick her up. She needs somewhere to stay, and none of her friends are taking her in."

"That's her own fault for not choosing good friends!" Clari said shrilly, finally coming out reverie. "It doesn't mean we should feel obligated to take her in. She's awful, you don't even know the half of it!"

"We need to be the better person," Lily said firmly. "She has nowhere else to go, and she's only going to stay for a couple days. It's my house, I pay the bills, and I can take in anybody I want. Besides, she brought a peace offering." Lily gestured behind her to a fluffy black cat lapping up milk from a saucer.

"What is that?" Clari said flatly.

"This is Kira, our new cat," Lily replied. "She was Kathrine's, but her aunt is allergic so she can't keep her. We're going to."

Kira yawned, flashing tiny pointed teeth and a pink tongue, and purred as Lily petted her. She hopped off the counter and curled around Clari's ankles, purring even louder. Clari sighed and picked her up, surveying her. Some silly part of her didn't want anything of Kathrine's, but she supposed that Kira couldn't control her owner anymore than Clari could control Lily. And she had pretty blue eyes...

"Fine," Clari huffed, tucking Kira under her arm. "We'll keep them. But that doesn't mean I'm happy about it." With that she turned an her heel and stormed out of the room and up the stairs, completely ignoring Kathrine. Lily grinned at Jaye, who returned it with a glare. She finally rolled her eyes.

"Let's just get this over with," she grumbled, marching into the living room. She stood in the room crossly while Lily got things situated.

"We've got kind of a full house," Lily said, frowning. "Hm...what to do, what to do...I guess you could sleep on the air mattress out here with Zetsu..."

Zetsu noticeably blanched but remained silent. Evidently Lily had given the Akatsuki her "my house, my rules" lecture. Jaye imagined that she had also threatened to throw them out if they were rude to Kathrine, because they were being extremely courteous (you know, for them).

"Okay," Kat said, sniffing. "Thanks for letting me stay and keeping Kira. I really appreciate it, especially since...well, we never exactly got along. But my so-called 'friends' don't want to help me now that I'm in trouble. It's really pathetic, but you guys were the only people I could think of."

Jaye gritted her teeth and moped. She was _not_ going to feel bad for her...she was _not_ going to be suckered in to this pity party...

"At least Kira will have a good home," she continued, erupting into more sobs. The Akatsuki glanced at Lily uncertainly and edged away. "S-she's the most important th-thing to me..."

"Oh, jeez," Jaye muttered. She glanced at her mother. "We're really going to be living with _that_ for three days?"

Lily's curt answer was drowned out by Kathrine's next torrent of sobs.

oOoOoOoOo

Clari knocked on Deidara's door and poked her head in, dropping Kira on the floor. The cat wormed her way into the room, sniffing around. Clari froze in the doorway and stared at the sorry sight before her, wrinkling her nose against the scent of mint and aloe that permeated the air.

Deidara lay face-down on the floor, his body returned almost to its normal shade except for a small spot in the very center of his back that was still tomato-red. The room was a complete mess, as if a small herd of cattle had stampeded through.

"What happened to you?" she asked, looking around.

"I can't get this freaking ointment on my back," Deidara replied, voice muffled by the floor. "It's torture, un."

"That sucks," Clari agreed, sitting on the floor next to him.

"Hey...Clari, would you - ?"

"No! Ew, no," Clari said, recoiling. "I am not rubbing ointment on your sunburnt back. That's just gross."

"Yeah, I'd figured you'd say that. Thought I'd give it a shot." He gave a wistful sigh and knocked his head back on the floor. Clari raised an eyebrow and shook her head.

"You're not guilt-tripping me into this," she said.

"Figured I'd give that a shot too," Deidara said, grinning. Suddenly a black blur shot out from behind Clari and tackled his head. He leapt up on the bed and slumped against the wall, clutching his chest. "What the hell was that, un?"

"Kira, our new cat," Clari explained as Kira bumped her head against Deidara's leg, purring louder than ever. "I guess she really likes you."

"Where'd you get her?"

Clari's face went dark. "You mean you don't know?"

"Know what?" Deidara asked, petting Kira behind the ears. "I've been stuck up here all day."

"Kat Mathews is living with us for a few days because Lily decided to grow a heart," Clari muttered, crossing her arms. "Kira was her cat. She can't take care of her anymore, so we're going to keep her. Can you believe it though? Kathrine Mathews. Here."

"That sucks," Deidara agreed.

"Hey...Deidara, would you - ?"

"No, I'm not blowing her up, un," Deidara declined, grinning.

Clari sighed. "I figured you'd say that."

Deidara hopped off the bed and picked up the container for Zetsu's concoction, making an unflattering face at it. Kira jumped off after him and pawed at his leg, mewing for his attention. He rolled his eyes. "Great, I have stalker."

"Look on the bright side," Clari said, "maybe if you ask her really nicely, she'll rub ointment on your back."

Deidara gave her a look even more unflattering than that he gave to the container.

oOoOoOoOo

"I can't believe my own cat would rather sleep with _you_ than with me," Kathrine complained sourly, laying on her inflatable mattress in the living room. Zetsu gazed up at the ceiling with glazed eyes, desperately wishing that Kathrine and Clari would leave him in peace. Unfortunately they seemed more keen on bickering with each other than going to sleep.

"I don't blame her," Clari snapped, pausing mid-stair to glare at Kathrine. Kira purred at her feet, completely intent on following Clari whenever Deidara wasn't available. She'd tried to sneak into Tobi and Deidara's room earlier, bit Tobi was apparently very superstitious and didn't want Kira crossing his path in his sleep, even though the others tried to convince him that was not going to happen. "Besides, she's not your cat anymore. She's mine, remember? A so-called 'peace offering'?"

"I gave her to your mother, not you," Kathrine spit. "And I never said anything about a peace offering. Where did you get that ridiculousness from?"

Clari's face went very red. "Good night, Zetsu," she hissed, jogging up the stairs with Kira leaping after her.

Kathrine huffed. "Whatever. She's so childish. _'Good night, Zetsu.' _"

"You were the one complaining about who the cat slept with," Zetsu pointed out. "And Lily isn't her mother. She's her aunt."

"Yeah, whatever. Stick up for her, I get it, okay? I'm the bad guy in the house," Kathrine said angrily. "It's just like reality TV, everyone goes after the pretty one."

Zetsu decided not to remark. He didn't want to get in the middle of this; but, he thought with a sigh, he probably would end up in the middle of it anyway.

Kathrine started crying into her pillow. Zetsu almost groaned. She'd been crying all day, nonstop, trying to guilt the Akatsuki into liking her. The only people it'd worked on were Tobi and Lily, as far as Zetsu knew. Unfortunately for them, Kathrine was staying whether they liked her or not.

* * *

><p><strong>Kind of a set up for future chapters, but it turned out okay. The next few will be a lot better; and don't worry, it's not going to turn into one of those catty angsty reality TV-like fics. Just wait and see what happens.<strong>


	9. Slug Bugs and Cat Burglars

**Chapter Eight: Slug Bugs and Cat Burglars**

* * *

><p>The morning started with screaming.<p>

Only, it wasn't Jaye's and Hidan's usual bickering. This arguing was much more hostile, much louder, and quite shrill. Everyone migrated downstairs to discover that it wasn't Jaye and Hidan after all; it was Clari and Kathrine, both of whom were red in the face and looked ready to kill each other. Zetsu was watching from the kitchen entrance with a bemused expression as the others crowded around him.

"What the hell happened?" Jaye asked, yawning.

"Clari 'accidentally' kicked Kat when she came downstairs this morning," Zetsu replied, grinning devilishly.

"Really?" Konan blinked. She'd expected simmering hatred from the two girls, but not open hostility. Lily would be most displeased with her niece.

"No," Zetsu chuckled. "_That's the best part. I did it_."

"Why would you do that?" Pein sighed, rubbing sleep from his eyes.

"I was bored."

Kakuzu smiled. "Cat fight! Who wants to take bets?"

"Five bucks on Kat," Hidan offered. "She's taller, and Clari's kind of a wimp."

"Seven bucks for Clari," Jaye said. "She knows where all the knives are."

"Oh, Tobi votes for Clari-chan too!"

Lily bounded down the stairs, pulling on a high-heel. "What on earth is going on down here?" she asked, looking around until she spotted the source of the noise. She scowled and elbowed her way through the crowd, into the war zone that was the kitchen. She stepped directly in between the girls ("Forget Clari and Kat; I put ten bucks down on Lily!" Kisame whispered to Kakuzu), and ordered them to be quiet.

"Kat, since you're our guest, why don't you explain what's going on first?" she said, shooting Clari a warning look when she opened her mouth.

"I was just laying there, sleeping, when Claribel stomps down the stairs, screeching some kind of demonic lyrics at the top of her lungs, and deliberately kicks me with her foot!" Kathrine accused, glaring.

Clari slapped a hand over her mouth looking aghast. "No! I kicked you with my foot? Say it ain't so!"

"Clari," Lily said sternly, "is that true?"

"Of course not," Clari denied, looking disgruntled. "I didn't touch her. I was just heading into the kitchen to grab the keys so I could get some eggs for breakfast - I wasn't screeching demonic lyrics, by the way, I was singing song - and all of a sudden she swoops in here spouting some ludicrous story about how I attacked her in her sleep."

"You are such a liar!" Kat said. "You kicked me!"

"I did not! And don't call me a liar, you belligerent orange bitch!"

"Don't shout big words at me! You are a liar! You kicked me!"

"You are in desperate need of some common sense! I didn't even pass you on my way to the kitchen! Unless I have some kind of 'Extend-o-Leg', it's not humanly possible for me to have kicked you!"

"ENOUGH!" Lily roared, silencing them once more. "Clari, go to the store. I'm hungry. We'll sort this out while you're gone."

"No way, how am I gonna argue my case if I'm not even - "

" - CLARI! GO!"

Grumbling, Clari snatched the keys from the hook and stormed out of the kitchen grabbing (to everyone's surprise) Pein's arm on her way out and dragging him with her. The crowd made a path for her as they passed and winced as the door slammed shut, rattling the pictures on the walls.

Lily turned on Zetsu. "Did you see anything?"

"Nope, I was asleep," Zetsu fibbed, earning a look of disbelief from everyone in the vicinity, with the exception of Lily and Kat.

"She kicked me, Ms. Itishi, I swear she did!" Kathrine testified, fixing her eyes on Lily with a look of desperation.

"I believe you," Lily assured. The crowd gave a unanimous ripple of nervousness, anticipating Clari's reaction when she returned home and discovered that Lily had taken her arch-enemy's side. As if sensing this unease, Lily followed up with, "I also believe Clari's story. There's a reasonable explanation for all of this, I can assure you. Maybe what you thought was Clari's foot was actually Kira?"

"No, it was Clari! I'm sure of it!" Kat shrieked.

"Did you actually see her?"

"No, but I - "

"Then you can't be sure," Lily said. "Listen, Kat, in this house you go by my rules. And here we make sure we have all the facts before we accuse somebody of anything." This earned a snort from the audience. Lily gave them a look before she continued.

"We also don't scream and shout _quite_ this early in the morning, at least. Unless you're Jaye and Hidan. I know it takes a lot to get Clari this upset, so I think she's telling the truth. I think you're telling the truth too. Ergo, I believe there is an explanation to satisfy both of your claims."

Kathrine didn't seem appeased, but she didn't argue either. She just gave one reluctant nod and turned on her heel, opening the fridge. Then she rolled her eyes. "You guys have eggs already, Claribel didn't need to go get any," she said, reaching inside the fridge and pulling out a nearly empty carton.

Hidan and Jaye glanced at each other.

"NO!" they cried, tackling Kat and sending all three of them to the ground. Jaye wrestled the carton out of her hands and frantically looked inside, sighing with relief when she saw that Egghead was still intact. Then she turned her glare to Kat, who was completely aghast that she had been attacked in such a brutal manner.

"What is your problem?" Jaye said, gesturing to the carton.

Kat gaped. "_My_ problem - ?"

"Do you want me to sacrifice you to Jashin?" Hidan demanded. " 'Cause I will - "

" - and I'll help. I mean, really, you have nothing better to do than terrorize our egg - "

" - that's fucking pathetic, I can't believe you."

Kat was staring at them as if they were insane. "What is _wrong_ with you people?" she shrieked, scrambling up off the ground indignantly. "I'm getting a shower. And I'm locking the door."

She elbowed her way through the crowd, stomping up the stairs. They heard the shower water a few minutes later. Shaking their heads after her, Jaye and Hidan tenderly replaced Egghead in his carton and restored him to the coolness of the refrigerator.

Lily sighed and looked at her watch. She turned to Itachi. "If I'm going to return to a messy house, will you at least call me with some forewarning? That way I can mentally prepare myself."

"You shouldn't need forewarning by now," Itachi said simply, gliding away to watch television with the others.

oOoOoOoOo

Clari had been ranting colorfully for a good five minutes before she realized that it was Pein whom she had forced to come with her, not Deidara, and that he was giving her a look one might reserve for a rabid squirrel. He jumped when she abruptly stopped her shouting and scowled at the road.

"Sorry for dragging you out with me," she muttered finally. "I meant to grab Deidara, but I was seeing red. Everybody looked the same at that point."

"No problem," Pein squeaked, proceeding to clear his throat.

"You're still in your boxers. I think there's a pair of yoga pants in the back. Or you can stay in here while I go shopping, it doesn't really matter," Clari added. "I just needed somebody to vent to."

"No problem," Pein repeated, for loss of anything else to say. He reached back in search of the yoga pants, feeling quite odd with just his boxers on, but discovered that they belonged to Jaye and put them back. When the silence became too unbearable, Clari reached for the radio; only to remember that it was missing. Cursing under her breath, she focused all of her attention on the road again.

Pein stayed in the car while she got out to go get eggs and hair-dye ("What color do you think this time, blue or purple?"). There was no radio, so he was subjected to staring out the window dully while Clari was gone. He yawned and stretched...it was much too early in the morning for this...

When Clari came back (five grocery bags worth of eggs, hair-dye, bacon, peanut butter, pancake mix, and ice cream), Pein was snoozing away in the passenger seat. She patted her pockets for the keys, then realized with a sudden horror that they were still in the ignition. The door was locked, and Pein was sleeping.

Clari banged on the window. "Pein! Pein, wake up!"

The Akatsuki leader did not stir. Clari groaned in exasperation and made her way to Pein's window, beating on the glass where his head was. "Pein! Hey, wake up! Pein!" She huffed. This wasn't working...how was she supposed to wake him up? How was she supposed to get home?

She punched the glass where his ear was. "PEIN! C'MON, WAKE UP!"

An old lady pushing a cart full of cat food sped up as she shuffled past Clari, looking back with an expression of bewilderment. Clari ignored her until she saw that her cell phone was also in the car. Perhaps, if she called the cell phone...

"Hey! Lady!" she called, jogging up to the old woman, who looked rather fearful about being addressed by a short girl with multi-colored hair and dark clothes. "I'm sorry, but I locked myself out of my car and my friend fell asleep so he can't unlock it and I can't get him to wake up. I was wondering if I could borrow your cell phone and call him inside the car?"

"Um...yes," the old lady said, digging around in her purse. "Yes, let's see where it is in here...ah, here you go..." The old lady deposited a peppermint in Clari's hand and hobbled away. Clari stared after her, confounded, then at the candy in her hand.

"I didn't ask for a peppermint! I need to borrow your _cell phone_!" Clari called after her.

Someone tapped on her shoulder. "Clari? Who are you yelling at?"

Clari wheeled around to see Pein giving her a look akin to the one she had been receiving from the old lady. Further investigation proved that he had indeed unlocked the car door and climbed out, leaving the door open. Clari sighed and handed him the grocery bags. "I'm not crazy," she proclaimed, heading towards the car. "I'm not."

"If you need a cell phone, you know there's one in the car."

"I know!"

Clari climbed into the truck and they were finally on their return journey home. She handed him the peppermint. "Here, you can have it," she muttered, pulling out of the parking lot.

"Uh...thanks?"

The silence was very annoying. Clari missed her radio dearly.

"So...how's the memory recovery thing coming along?" she asked, relatively curious. Clari did feel kind of guilty she hadn't been paying more attention to Pein's memory predicament these past few days.

"It's coming," Pein replied. "I get little bits and pieces all the time now. I still don't remember a lot from my past, but I remember a lot of recent things. I remember almost my entire time here, in fact."

"Really?"

"Yes. Zetsu says that the most recent memories will probably come first. Once I remember more about being an Akatsuki leader and such, we will go home."

Clari didn't have anything to say to that, so the silence was restored. She gritted her teeth. _Once I find out how, I am going to kill Hidan._

Suddenly, she reached across the seat and punched Pein. "Slug bug!"

"Ow! What was that for?" Pein cried, clutching his arm.

"It's a slug bug," Clari explained. "A kind of car. When you see it, you get to punch somebody and they don't get to punch you back."

"Oh, okay," Pein said. A second later, he punched Clari in the arm. "Slug bug!"

"Ow! That wasn't a slug bug, it was just a regular car!" Clari said. "You punch hard!"

"Sorry." A few moments later, he punched her again. "Slug bug!"

"That wasn't a slug bug!" Clari said. "It was just a normal car!"

"What does a slug bug look like?"

Clari paused and scanned the road for a second, waiting until she saw a lime green one heading their way. She pointed to it. "See, _that's_ a slug bug."

"Oh..." Pein said. Then he punched her. "Slug bug!"

"Okay, I guess I deserved that one," Clari remarked dryly.

"I win!" Pein declared.

Clari gave him a look. "You've been spending a lot of time with Tobi, haven't you?"

By the time they pulled up to the driveway of the house, Clari was in a considerably better mood than when she had left. _Obviously_, she thought to herself as she prepared to pull in the driveway, _Lily is going to take my word over Kathrine's. There's no way that she would believe that I kicked her while she was asleep. I'm not that low; I would only kick her when she was awake._

"Clari, watch out!" Pein cried. Clari slammed on the breaks and blinked at the driveway where Pein was pointing. Her good mood evaporated. Kat was splayed out on a towel on the driveway, in a bathing suit, tanning. Clari honked the horn, but the blonde refused to move.

Finally, she rolled down the window. "Hey, move! I need to park!"

"No," Kat called back.

"I'll run over you!"

"Do it."

"Why don't you run her over?" Pein inquired as Clari rolled up the window, making a face.

"It's illegal," Clari sighed with regret.

"So?"

"I'll go to jail."

"Not if you go incognito."

Clari gave him a look. "Shouldn't you be suggesting the opposite?"

"Should I? I don't know."

Clari sighed and decided to honk the horn repeatedly until she annoyed Kat enough. When she continued for over five minutes, Kathrine surrendered and packed up her things, barely making it out of the way before Clari pressed on the gas and shot forward. Clari turned off the ignition and hopped out of the car. "Thank you very much," she said smugly.

"Shut up," Kathrine said, relocating her operations to the backyard. Clari and Pein brought in the groceries and Clari made breakfast as usual, nearly getting trampled by the starving Akatsuki when they heard her say the food was done.

oOoOoOoOo

"Konan, you should learn how to dance," Zetsu said suddenly as he flipped the channel on the TV.

"WHAT?" Konan, Pein, Kisame, Hidan, and Jaye said at the same time, giving Zetsu looks of bafflement. "Where did that come from?" Jaye added.

"Well, I was watching _So You Think You Can Dance?_ and I just thought that one of us should learn how to dance," Zetsu explained wistfully. "Konan is the most graceful, so I figured it might as well be her. Your instructor is coming tomorrow for the first lesson."

"You actually signed me up for a class?" Konan cried. "Why would you do that? I don't want to learn how to dance!"

"I was bored," Zetsu shrugged.

"You need to find something else to do than torture us when you're bored," Jaye remarked. "Why don't you pick up a cross word or something? Better yet, focus all your attention on fixing Pein's head."

"I've never been one for cross words," Zetsu said.

"Do you realize how dangerous it is letting somebody in the house? He could recognize one of you!" Jaye continued, baring down on Zetsu angrily.

"Don't worry about that," Zetsu said, waving a dismissal hand. "He's Spanish."

"It doesn't matter if he's Spanish or not!" Jaye said. "In fact, that only makes things worse! The only people here who know how to speak Spanish are Mom and me, and we'll both be gone tomorrow. Clari'll be gone tomorrow too. We have to cancel the appointment. What was the company called?"

"I don't know, something Spanish."

"Well, how many Spanish dance companies can there be?" Jaye muttered, flipping though the phone book. She found her answer: a lot. If Zetsu recognized any of them, he didn't say. Finally, Jaye threw the phone book down in exasperation. "Well, looks like you're learning how to tango tomorrow, Konan," she declared.

"Actually, I signed her up for salsa," Zetsu corrected.

"Wait, how did you talk to the guy if he only speaks Spanish?" Jaye inquired.

"Google Translate. Duh."

"How did you - when - oh, never mind."

Kathrine chose that moment to come into the room, finally dressed in some clothes. Konan had brightened up considerably, coming up with a brilliant idea. "Kat," she said. "Do you know how to dance?"

"Um, yeah, I have to," Kat said. "I had to go with Dad to all the balls or whatever for the bank. Why?"

"Would you like to learn now to salsa tomorrow?"

"Nice try, Konan," Zetsu chuckled. "But I already told the instructor that he was teaching a _mujer azul_."

Everyone turned to Jaye for translation. "Blue woman," she said.

"Wow, Bitch really does speak Spanish!" Hidan cried.

"Yeah, I've taken it since I was a freshman, and Mom has to know it for her job." Jaye chuckled. "Whenever we feel like annoying Clari, we have conversations in Spanish."

"Oh! Say something to me in Spanish!" Hidan demanded.

"_Usted es un hijo de puta irritante_," Jaye said smugly.

"Wait, what did you say?"

"She called you an irritating bastard," Kat answered, filing her nails.

"You know Spanish too?" Kisame said.

"Yeah, she was in my class," Jaye said with aggravation. "_Perra_."

"Quick, tell me how to say 'You're a bitch' in Spanish," Hidan told her, shooting a triumphant grin Jaye's way.

"No, I'm going to go make a protein shake," Kat rejected, going into the kitchen.

"She's a bitch too," Hidan muttered.

"Wait!" Jaye gasped when she heard the sound of the blender coming from the kitchen. "Don't eggs go in protein shakes?"

She and Hidan shared a glance of horror before shooting into the kitchen and, for the second time that morning, tackling Kat and knocking her to the kitchen floor.

"Ow! What is your _problem_?" Kat shrieked.

"Where's Egghead? Did she blend him up?" Hidan asked Jaye as she scrambled off the floor to check the egg carton. After a quick investigation, her face blanched and she looked at Hidan hopelessly.

"He's...he's not here," she said quietly. "We have to take another semester of that damn class!"

"NOOOOOOO!" Hidan shouted tragically.

"Are you guys talking about that stupid egg with the face on it?" Kat asked, wiggling her way out from under Hidan and standing up to grab something on the counter. She held up a perfectly intact Egghead for them to see. "I took him out so I wouldn't blend him and get tackled again. I guess my plan backfired. Why're you so concerned about this little egg anyway?"

"None of your business!" Jaye said, snatching it from Kat's hands. She took Egghead and set him back in his carton. "And don't touch Egghead!"

Kat rolled her eyes as Hidan and Jaye left to go watch more TV.

"All these people are freaking crazy."

oOoOoOoOo

Clari walked down the stairs to make dinner, humming a tune. She felt much better after she had a few minutes to herself, and the streaks of her hair were dyed a vibrant, electric blue.

As she passed by Deidara's room, she heard a bloodcurdling scream and the door suddenly burst open, revealing the deranged-looking blonde artist. He sighted her and grabbed her arm before she could ask any questions, pulling her into the room and closing the door behind them.

"Clari, I can't find it, un! It's gone! It was here and now it's gone and I can't find it! Leader's gonna kill me when he gets his memory back - you're not supposed to lose it, it's part of the uniform - "

"What the hell are you talking about?" Clari asked, abashed.

"My ring!" Deidara declared, pointing to his right index finger which was, indeed, devoid of any sort of jewelry. "My Akatsuki ring! I set it on the dresser so it wouldn't get dirty while I was sculpting, and now it's gone! I can't find it!"

"Okay, calm down," Clari said evenly. "Did anybody come in the room with you while you were sculpting?"

"Yeah...Tobi came in here once..." Deidara suddenly glowered with renewed vehemency. "That little brat! He stole my ring!"

"Now, let's not jump to conclusions," Clari said, holding him back from the door. "We'll go calmly ask him if he saw it. The important thing is not to lose your temper, okay?"

They found Tobi in the bathroom, digging around in the bathroom cabinet.

"There you are, you little fucker!" Deidara said, looming over Tobi menacingly.

"Deidara-senpai! Clari-chan!" Tobi greeted brightly, completely oblivious to the fact that anything was amiss. "Tobi is looking for nail polish!"

"Oh, it's in the top," Clari said, standing on her toes to reach the top shelf above the sink. "Let me see...I think this will match the purple for your uniform. And here's some nail polish remover."

"Thank you, Clari-chan!"

"Don't help him, he's a thieving little brat!" Deidara cried.

"What do you mean, Deidara-senpai? Tobi did not steal anything."

"Where's my ring, un? I know you have it!" Deidara roared. "It was on the dresser, and you were the only one who came in the room while I was sculpting! It had to be you!"

"He makes a good point, Tobi," Clari put in. "It didn't just grow legs and walk away. But if you have it and you give it to him, Deidara won't get mad at you. Right, Deidara?"

Deidara gave a noncommital snort.

"Tobi wishes he could give Deidara-senpai his ring, but sadly he does not have it," Tobi said. "If he sees it, he will definitely tell Deidara-senpai or - Aaahhh! Deidara-senpai, stop hitting Tobi! Clari-chan, help!"

Clari, avoiding the thrashing limbs of the Akatsuki members as they crashed into the bathroom wall, hugged Deidara's torso and heaved him out the door as he struggled to wrap his hands around Tobi's throat. They fell in a jumbled heap in the hallway, while Tobi squealed fearfully and closed the bathroom door, locking it behind them. Deidara leapt off of Clari and proceeded to beat the door with his fists, screaming insults and death threats at Tobi from the outside. Clari laid hopelessly in the hallway, deciding that she might as well let him get it all out before he accepted the fact that Tobi did not have the ring and he would have to search the house for it.

"It looks like you're not the only person with anger issues," Kat said, suddenly appearing in the hallway to observe the situation.

Clari gave her a look. "I don't have anger issues. It's not like I tried to kill you or anything."

With this they both glanced back at Deidara, who was coming up with some very colorful ways to murder a person, all of which were gruesome indeed.

"Why are you on the floor?" Kat asked.

"Why are you standing up?" Clari shot back.

"Because it's what we normal people do," Kat replied, daintily stepping over Clari and scooping up Kira, who had been making a beeline towards Deidara.

Clari sighed, knocking her head on the floor. "Who ever said I was normal?"

oOoOoOoOo

Dinner was a very tense occasion. Despite all the searching they'd done, Deidara had yet to find his ring and shot glares at Tobi from across the table, where the masked man practically trembled with fear and sat as far away from his partner as possible. Konan was still irked at Zetsu for signing her up for the salsa lessons, and was very brisk and cold when she asked him to pass the mashed potatoes. Clari was quite cross with both Kathrine and Lily. Because of this, and the task of helping Deidara search for his ring while she cooked, the meal was not up to her usual standards. Most didn't care and didn't say anything, but Pein and Zetsu hardly touched their food. Kat took one bite and immediately started complaining.

"The chicken's really dry, and the mash potatoes have lumps," she rattled off poshly, pushing the plate away. "Did you put enough salt in the corn? And the roll is as hard as a rock!"

Clari, whose cooking had never before been so harshly criticized, gritted her teeth and did not retort during dinner, but it was clear that she was using all of her will power to restrain herself. "If you don't like it, you don't have to eat it," she hissed through her teeth. "Make a sandwich or something."

"I think I will," Kat said, standing up and walking towards the refrigerator. "Does anyone else want a sandwich?"

Zetsu raised his hand immediately, feeling that he could stand to stir up a bit more trouble before the day was done. Things had been really dull of late; why not spice it up with some drama? He noticed a vein pulse slightly on Clari's temple, but other than that she did nothing. Pein looked like he wanted to raise his hand, but thought better of it and continued to pick at his food. Clari noticed.

"If you want a sandwich, feel free to ask for one," she said stonily, watching as Kat flamboyantly spread peanut butter on bread. "I won't hold it against you."

Pein tentatively raised his hand, and Clari dumped her plate in the sink and went upstairs to her room without a word. She did not come down for the rest of the evening.

Kisame puffed out his cheeks and let his breath out in a _whoosh_. "That was tense. I'm glad I'm not involved."

"Keep up the commentary and you will be," Lily warned, putting her plate in the sink. "Well, I guess I better get to bed to. I've gotta pack tomorrow."

"Pack? For what?" Jaye inquired.

"Didn't I tell you? I have to go to another business trip," Lily said.

"No! You didn't tell us!" Jaye said, frowning. "How long will you be gone this time?"

"Not long, only about a few days. It's in the States, so it's not a big deal."

"Oh, where?" Kakuzu asked.

"Las Vegas," Lily replied.

Jaye's jaw dropped. "_Vegas_? What kind of business trip is that?"

"An important one," Lily said, grinning. "Though I won't miss out on some of the fun stuff while I'm there."

"Take me!" Jaye demanded.

"No way am I taking my sixteen - "

" - seventeen," Jaye corrected.

" - seventeen-year-old daughter to Las Vegas with me. Though I am allowed to bring one guest..." Lily trailed off thoughtfully. "Konan, how'd you like to go to Vegas with me?"

"Yes! I don't know what Vegas is, but I will do anything to leave here tomorrow!" Konan said, shooting Zetsu a triumphant look.

"But I already paid for your dance class," Zetsu complained.

"Wait, you don't have any money!" Kakuzu said, frantically searching his pockets.

"No, I used the" - Zetsu shot Kat a look - "organization funds. I know you keep them under your mattress. I guess the class with just go to waste...it's a girl part, and Clari and Jaye aren't going to be here tomorrow...no refunds..."

"Konan, you're staying," Kakuzu ordered.

"What? You can't boss me around!"

"I think you should stay too, Konan," Pein put in, casting a nervous glance at Kat. "I need someone to help me with my _problem_."

"I get it, I get it, I'm supposed to be out of the loop. No need to talk in code anymore. I'm gonna go watch some TV," Kat said, getting up and leaving them to talk at their own convenience.

"I find that I remember things from my past better when you're around," Pein continued. "I suppose it's because you're there for most of it. I'd rather you stay."

"Okay, I'll stay," Konan mumbled.

"Well, if Konan can't go...how about you, Itachi?" Lily asked, causing many raised eyebrows at the table (even Itachi seemed surprised).

"Me? Why?" he asked.

Lily shrugged. "Why not?"

"What? You're taking _Itachi_ to Vegas with you?" Jaye cried, pulling at her hair.

"Yes," Lily said. "That is, if he wants to go?"

Itachi nodded.

"Good. Then I'm going to bed so I can pack tomorrow," Lily said chirpily, leaving them all in stunned silence. Jaye turned to Itachi, narrowing her eyes.

"I'm watching you," she said, pointing at him threateningly.

"And I am too. Remember, I can smell hormones," Bear added, giving Itachi a similar look before trotting out of the room behind Jaye.

Itachi tilted his head, confused. "What do hormones have to do with anything?"

"I believe Las Vegas is notorious for its casinos and wild parties in which people often end up drunk and married to a person they partied with, or tattooed somewhere quite embarrassingly," Zetsu said, grinning from ear to ear. He paused and considered Itachi with his eyes. "You seem like a tramp stamp kind of person."

Then he, too, took his leave.

"What is a tramp stamp?" was Itachi's next question.

"I'm gonna go to bed too," Deidara sighed, standing up and sparing one last scowl for Tobi. If that punk dared come in there without giving him his ring...

"Oi! Blondie!" Bear called, screeching to a stop in the kitchen with a wary look in the living room where Kat was watching TV. "Hey, I found that ring you were looking for earlier."

Deidara slapped his forehead as the table behind him gasped, scandalized. "Deidara, you _lost_ your Akatsuki ring?" Konan hissed.

"Do you know how much money that thing cost?" Kakuzu cried.

"The ring...that's important, right?" Pein asked.

"Where is it, un?" Deidara growled, ignoring the chattering behind him.

"Kira has it. It's on her collar," Bear replied. "I saw it as I was going upstairs. I thought I'd tell you."

"Why does Kira have my ring on her collar?" Deidara pondered.

"She took it. She told me," Bear said.

"You...speak cat...?"

"Well, duh! All animals can communicate with each other," Bear snorted, as if this was obvious. "Anyway, I'd watch out for her if I were you. She's freaky obsessive."

"That's something, coming from you..." Deidara said, thinking of Bear's undying loyalty to Jaye. "Anyway, where is she?"

"In your room, of course. That's where she goes if she's not following you around. That's also why Kira settles for Clari when you're not available, since Clari smells the most like you. I'm warning you, she's one freaky cat stalker," Bear informed him.

"Uh...thanks for the warning," Deidara said, edging away from the dog.

Bear nodded and went back upstairs to Jaye's room. Deidara took the same route to his own room, where Kira was curled up on his pillow, purring. He took a look at her collar and saw that the ring was looped through it. _That's one smart cat_, he thought, unhooking it and putting the ring back on. Kira woke up and purred louder, bumping her head on his hand. He absently scratched her behind the ears, then picked her up and walked down the hall to Clari's room.

"Sorry, but Tobi'll whine about how you're bad luck if I let you stay in my room," Deidara explained. "Trust me, I'd rather have you than him in there, un." He cracked open the door and wordlessly deposited Kira in Clari's care, ignoring the squeak of protest from inside as Clari hastily attempted to finish changing into her pajamas.

When he returned to his own room, Tobi was standing with his hands on his hips, looking determined. "Deidara-senpai, Tobi thinks you owe him an apology," he said.

"Fuck off."

"Yes! Sorry, Dedara-senpai! Tobi is a good boy!"

Deidara crawled into bed and, because of the hunt for his ring, he was sure, was asleep before his head even hit the pillow.

* * *

><p><strong>Filler chapter...sorry. Again, it's kind of a set up for chapters to come.<strong>

**It took me a while to update, and this will probably be a common occurrence as school is starting soon and my valuable time will be sucked away by the pressures of education. Don't worry though, I won't become one of those writers that take so long to update that they might as well abandon the story. And once I wrap up a few of my other projects, I'll have more time to work on this one. :) **

**You shall review! Please?**


	10. Foosball and Tacos

**My friend recently pointed out to me that since she came up with Jaye (who is actually based off of her) then she should get credit for her. So here's the disclaimer: Jaye Itishi, the OC, does not belong to me. She belongs to my friend, Wolf Girl Jaye. However, Clari and Lily and all of the other OCs, as well as the plot, do belong to me. **

**Now that that's over and there's no possible way that I can get sued, back to the story.**

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter Nine: Foosball and Tacos<strong>

* * *

><p>This morning, the household was awakened by the fire alarm.<p>

Everyone rushed into the kitchen, from which smoke was bellowing, to find Clari frantically bustling about, trying to put out the small fire that had erupted on the stove. Deidara grabbed her and dragged her out with the others, allowing Kisame room to save the day.

"What the hell happened?" Lily demanded when Clari had finally stopped coughing.

"I...I don't know," Clari said, staring at the smoking kitchen with a far away look. "One minute the cinnamon rolls were on the stove...and then...I don't know. They just caught on fire..."

"Things don't just catch on fire, un," Deidara said skeptically. "I should know, I'm an expert."

"That's what happened!" Clari insisted, abruptly snapping out of her daze. "They were on the stove, in a pan, ready to be put in the oven, and they just caught on fire! That's what happened!"

Deidara blinked, putting his hands up in surrender. "If you say so..."

"Clari, there is no way that the cinnamon rolls defied the laws of nature," Jaye put in.

"They did! They were nature-defying cinnamon rolls!" Clari shrieked. "That's the last time I buy Pillsbury brand!"

"I don't think the brand had anything to do with it," Jaye remarked dryly.

"It has to be! I've never burned anything before!" Clari said, growing more distraught by the second. "I've messed up the recipe, under-cooked the food, maybe even caused a nuclear reaction or two - but never, not once in my goddamn life, have I ever burned anything!"

Jaye shrugged. "There's a first time for - "

"No there's not!" Clari said shrilly. "It was the motherfucking brand!"

"Hey, language," Hidan warned.

Clari stomped on his toe. "Shut the hell up!"

"Bitch, I'll - "

" - Bastard! Egghead, go find him," Jaye instructed, shoving Hidan towards the kitchen. Suddenly panicked, Hidan rushed into the sweltering kitchen in search of the beloved egg, argument with Clari and/or Jaye completely forgotten. Jaye turned back to Clari. "Look, it's no big deal. Mom's staying home today, so the Akatsuki will be able to fend for themselves. We can pick something up on the way to class. Now go get yourself together and drive me before Hidan does something stupid and breaks Egghead."

Deflated, Clari did as she was told. When the topic of class was presented, Konan, too, deflated miserably. She had that salsa lesson later.

Kisame emerged from the kitchen, elated at the opportunity of a dramatic entrance. When it went unaddressed, he was the third to deflate in disappointment. "The fire's put out," he reported. "Nothing was really burned beyond repair...except for the food..."

"Thanks, Kisame, you're finally useful," Lily said, patting him on the back. He shot her a look of reproach that went ignored. "I wonder why the fire department didn't call..."

"Oh, I unhooked the fire alarm from the phone a long time ago," Jaye said dismissively. "You start too many kitchen fires when you're upset. Wait - you didn't touch the cinnamon rolls, did you?"

"Don't make me 'accidentally' smash Egghead," Lily threatened, snatching the egg from Hidan and dangling in front of Jaye's nose. Jaye took Egghead from her with a cross expression and shielded him from her.

"Grandmothers are not supposed to treat their grandchildren that way," she said disapprovingly.

Lily's eyes shot up. "Oh, so you and Hidan - ?"

"Dammit," Jaye muttered regretfully, clapping a hand over Lily's smirking mouth. Hidan gaped at her.

"I want a divorce!" he cried suddenly.

"We were never married, bastard!"

"I want custody over Egghead!"

"We're giving him back today! Besides, if we did have a custody agreement, I would obviously be the one with sole rights to keep him," Jaye said.

"What? Why?"

"Because you're an immortal mass-murderer from a different dimension," Jaye pointed out. "And, as the designated mother, I gave birth to him."

Hidan laughed triumphantly. "Ha! I always knew you were a chicken!"

"Shut it, bastard!"

"Are you ready to go?" Clari asked.

"Yup!" Jaye and Hidan said simultaneously, heading towards the door.

"You coming too, Deidara?" Clari inquired, grabbing the keys. "We're starting sculpting today, I think."

"Wait for me, un!"

"Where are they going?" Kat asked, yawning. She took a bleary look around. "What's going on, anyway?"

Kisame and Pein gaped at her. "Did you really just now get up?" they asked, glancing at each other wildly.

"Yeah. What'd I miss?"

oOoOoOoOo

Once everything was settled in the house, Lily proclaimed that she was going to go pack for Las Vegas, a feat that she said would take her all day. Itachi didn't remark on how absurd that was (who needed an _entire day_ just to pack a week's worth of things?) but was quite concerned with the fact that he didn't have any clothes except for his Akatsuki robe and the one or two outfits Clari had purchased for when he went out in public.

When he voiced his predicament to Lily, she considered it for a moment and replied, "I think there's some of my brother's old clothes down in the basement that'll fit you. You can wear those, if you can find them."

Itachi, recalling the amount of dusty old boxes crammed along the walls of the basement, enlisted the help of Bear and Kisame, both of whom were bored enough to rummage through the boxes.

A few minutes' searching further proved that the Itishis were strange people. The first box they opened was full of fluffy round pillows, all of which were brightly colored and about the size of a basketball. Kisame and Bear proceeded to use them as projectiles, whilst Itachi shook his head and moved on.

He opened the second box to find that it was brimming with jars of sand. Bear and Kisame stopped launching pillows at each other and curiously peaked at the sand with him, utterly confused.

"Who keeps jars of sand in a box?" Kisame inquired.

"Who keeps jars of sand at all?" Itachi corrected.

"I believe that it's common custom for people here to purchase jars of sand whenever they visit a beach or a foreign country," Bear rattled off, sniffing the sand curiously. "Hm...Mexico."

"I don't think there are any clothes in here," Itachi said, shutting the box.

In the third box they did achieve clothes for Itachi. He began to pick out what he would wear to Vegas while Bear and Kisame continued rummaging through the boxes like the nosy person and dog they were.

"Oh! This one smells interesting, open it," Bear ordered. Kisame made his way over to the dog, sporting a feathery fuchsia boa and wide straw hat that he'd found in the last box. He pried open this one while Bear watched enviously. If only he had thumbs...

"What. The. Hell."

Bear was suddenly jerked from his daydream about thumbs by what Kisame had extracted from the box and held up for them all to see. It was a brilliant, shining steel sword, which, Bear had to admit, looked quite authentic. Kisame peered at it with disbelief, letting it flash in the dim light of the basement. "Itachi," he said in awe. "Why didn't we look around these boxes earlier?"

"Because that's snooping," Itachi said, his voice muffled by the t-shirt he pulling over his head, "and I exercise what society would call 'manners.'"

"When you're not killing people," Kisame muttered hypocritically, still toying with the edge of the sword. "It's not very sharp...or strong. It just looks cool. It'd be useless in battle."

"That's because it's part of a costume," Bear said, his voice, obscured by the bundle of black fabric he was dragging out of the box. Kisame set the sword aside and held the outfit up, giving it a look of utter bafflement to rival that he gave the sword.

"What the hell do these people _do_ in their spare time?" he cried as Bear guffawed at his side. Itachi curiously peered over at them, finally getting his head through the collar of the shirt (which was, unfortunately, two sizes too small; he had a lingering suspicion that this was not Lily's brother's shirt, all of which fit him fine) and his jaw automatically dropped. Luckily, he had composed his expression before Kisame or Bear witnessed it.

Kisame was holding up some kind of leather...catsuit, was the word that came to Itachi's mind. It was much too tall to belong to Clari, so it had to belong to either Jaye or Lily...and the sad thing was, Itachi couldn't decide which was more liable to be the owner. If it came with the sword, then perhaps it did belong to Jaye. He could imagine her wielding the weapon threateningly at her family members, willing them to do her bidding.

Honestly, he didn't want to consider what Lily would do with such a garb.

It seemed that Bear and Kisame were on the same train of thought, because the next words out of their mouths were: "Whose do you think it is?"

"Probably Jaye's," Itachi said, neatly folding his clothes and putting them in the duffel bag that Lily had provided him with (even after he'd seen the two bulky suitcases that laid open on her bed, surrounded by what was at least a month's worth of clothes).

"Why do you say that?"

"Because she's the only person that would ever find use in a sword."

"I dunno," Bear said. "Let's go ask!"

He and Kisame grabbed the catsuit and sword and ran out of the basement, chortling like mischevious children. Itachi sighed and went after them, bringing his light duffel bag with him.

"Lily! Lily!" the shark-man called, as Bear was unable to talk with Kat in the room. "Hey, we found something!"

"What is it?" she said, poking her head down the stairs. Her eyes lit up when she saw what was in their hands, and Itachi felt his stomach plunge (in horror or something else, he couldn't decide which).

"I can't believe you found it!" Lily squealed, racing down the stairs and snatching the costume from them. "I thought I'd lost it!"

"It's actually yours?" Kisame said, grinning from ear to ear.

"Of course it's mine! It's my Underworld outfit," she said, holding the catsuit up to her body. "And my sword. I can't believe you guys found these! I've been looking for them - forever!"

Itachi suspected that Jaye had something to do with that.

"I wonder if it still fits?" Lily gasped suddenly, her eyes growing ever wider. "I have to go check!"

With that she sprinted back up the stairs, perilously tucking the sword under her arm. As soon as she left, Itachi and Kisame turned to the only person from that world - Kat. "What's Underworld?" they asked.

"It's some vampire-werewolf movie," Kat said nonchalantly, rolling her eyes.

The doorbell rang.

Zetsu, surprisingly enough, shot out of his seat to go anwer it. He opened it to reveal a short Hispanic man with a bushy black mustache and a t-shirt that read: _Jose Academia de Biale _in big, bold red letters. Under it read: _Jose Dance Academy _in smaller letters_._

"_Estoy aquí para ver a la señorita _Konan Blue__," he said, looking at Zetsu cautiously_._

"Oh Konan!" Zetsu sang gleefully. "You're instructor's here!" He turned back to the small man, stepping out of the doorway. "Please, come in."

"_Gracias."_

"Hey, Kat, what'd he say?" Zetsu asked.

"He was asking for Konan," Kat sighed. "Look, am I going to have to translate the whole time?"

"No, don't translate for Konan. Just for me."

"_Señorita Konan_?__" the man asked Kat, raising his eyebrows at her expectantly._ "_Te tiñes el __pelo?_"_

"_No, yo no soy Konan. Mi nombre es _Kat__," Kat said, rolling her eyes when she caught Zetsu's expression. "He asked if I was Konan, and I told him I wasn't."

"What, Zetsu?" Konan barked, coming down the stairs irritably. She blanched when she saw the instructor, much to the amusement of Kisame, Zetsu, and Bear, who were all watching.

"_Tú eres más hermosa que cualquier violeta delicado, la señorita _Konan__," the man said breathlessly upon seeing Konan, dipping into a graceful bow._ "_Por favor, permítame ser su instructor al estudiar el arte de la salsa."__

"Uh...Kat?" Konan said, turning to the blonde.

"Sorry, I've decided to start a fee for my services," Kat replied. "Five dollars a translation. That goes for everybody," she added with a pointed look at Zetsu.

"Fine," Konan huffed, turning back to the man and utilizing the only Spanish she knew. "Um...I'm going to have to say...Si?"

"_Excelente! Vamos a empezar de inmediato, mi querido. Yo soy Jose. Ven conmigo al patio, donde vamos a tener más privacidad_." The man named Jose made his way to the back door. Konan supposed that she was supposed to follow and did so, glaring at Zetsu and Kat all the while. Zetsu grinned, and Kat ignored her.

As soon as Jose and Konan had gone outside to the patio, Lily came bounding down the stairs in chunky boots and her catsuit, flailing the sword around maliciously. "Look at it! It still fits!" she shrieked joyfully, turning around in a swift circle so everyone could see. Kisame and Itachi had to duck to avoid being decapitated by the sword.

"I can't believe you actually put it on," Itachi remarked.

"Why? It's cool!" Lily objected, scowling.

The back door slid open, and Jose came in. "_Lo siento mucho, pero me temo que vamos a necesitar agua antes vamos _- " he cut off suddenly, seeing Lily in her Underworld outfit and going just as starry-eyed as he had viewing Konan for the first time.

"_¡Oh mi, qué tentadora guerrero lleno de humo! Usted es tan seductora y brillante como la noche! ¿Quiere decirme su nombre, por lo que puedo apreciar en usted mis sueños para toda la eternidad_?" Jose rattled off, dropping to his knees. Lily looked utterly bewildered.

"What'd he say?" Kisame inquired.

"He called me a tantalizing smoky warrior, told me that I was as seductive and brilliant as the night, and then proceeded to ask my name so that he can see me in his dreams for all eternity," Lily said, blinking. "I'm not sure whether I should be flattered or offended."

"I think it's just him," Kat piped up. "He told Konan that she was more delicate than any violet, but she didn't understand."

"_Mi nombre es Lily, pero prefiero usted que me dejan fuera de sus sueños. Por favor, obtener su agua_," she finally said, pointing him in the direction of the kitchen. As Jose scuttled away, looking rather disappointed, Lily suddenly frowned. "Wait, what is he doing here anyway?"

"Konan's learning how to salsa," Zetsu said.

"Does she know Spanish?"

"No."

"What'd you tell him, Lily?" Kisame interrupted.

"I told him my name, but to leave me out of his dreams," Lily said. Jose came back in with two glasses of water and made his way back to Konan, smiling and addressing Lily as: "_mi seductora lirio_." She made a face and proclaimed that she was going back upstairs, presumably to change.

Kisame turned to Zetsu. "Should we go watch the dance lessons?"

"No," Zestu said after a moment of consideration, leaning back on the couch and watching _Parental Control_ with Kat. "Let's just see how this goes. I find that it's more entertaining when you don't know the whole story."

Kisame and Bear glanced at each other, shrugged, and sat down as Itachi shook his head and evactuated into the recesses of the basement.

oOoOoOoOo

Oh. Hell. No.

It all seemed to happen in slow motion. One minute she and Hidan couldn't keep the grins off their faces; they were the only ones to successfully bring back the egg in one piece, and they wouldn't ever have to come to this godforsaken anger management class again. The next minute, Jaye was bringing the egg to Mrs. Joy.

And then, she tripped.

Of all the fucking times to stumble! She watched, horrified, as Egghead flew high into the air, cartwheeling with that stupid grin on his face, and landed squarely on the top of Mrs. Joy's curly blonde head. The white eggshell shattered, releasing a splatter of albumen and yolk that dripped into the teacher's face with tantalizing deliberance.

Jaye stood their with her mouth open, unable to say anything.

Hidan did the same.

Mrs. Joy wiped egg parts out of her eyes, looking outraged. Jaye tried to stutter that it was an accident, that it wasn't her fault, she'd just tripped - but Mrs. Joy would hear nothing of it.

"You two...fail," she growled, marking an angry red X on her clipboard. "You will be attending next semster with the rest of us."

"WHAT? That's not fair!" Jaye cried. "I tripped, I'm sorry it got on you, but it was an accident! I brought it to class just like you said - "

" - way to go, bitch, now we've gotta come back!"

"Shut up, bastard! It's not like you did anything to take care of Egghead! If you hadn't been so damn lazy to get up and give her the egg, it wouldn't have happened - "

" - you wouldn't let me hold him, bitch! This is your fucking fault, don't try and blame it on me - "

" - bullshit! It's your fault we're in here in the first place! You just had to go berserk and knock Pein upside the head with a baseball bat - "

" - you made my head a pinata! Who does that? I had a right to be angry - "

" - you have a right to go to hell! If everybody swung a baseball bat around every time they got angry, everybody would be locked up in a nut house - "

" - ha! You would know what that's like, wouldn't you?"

"BASTARD!"

"BITCH!"

"GET OUT OF MY CLASSROOM!"

Jaye and Hidan stopped arguing and looked at Mrs. Joy, who was slightly hysterical. When they didn't move, she started whacking them with her clipboard. "Get - out - of - here - and - don't - ever - come - back!" she screeched, forcing them toward the door with every sharp hit.

Hidan shielded himself with his arms. "Ow! Stop - fucking crazy bitch - "

"Wait! Does this mean that - ow! - that we pass?" Jaye inquired, wincing as the clipboard made contact with her head.

"GET THE HELL OUT!" Was Mrs. Joy's only response. Hidan and Jaye, who were in the doorway and had ceased being assaulted with the clipboard as Mrs. Joy reached for the door, grinned at each other.

"Now, Mrs. Joy," Jaye said. "Swearing is not allowed."

"I'm afraid you get a tally," Hidan added.

Mrs. Joy slammed the door in their faces.

Hidan rubbed his nose. "Ow. The door hit my nose."

"Ha! Do you know what this means?" Jaye cheered, grinning from ear to ear.

"I'm going to get a nosebleed?" Hidan guessed, tilting his head back.

"No! It means that we don't ever have to go to anger management class again! It didn't exactly go the way I thought it would, but the result's still the same," Jaye said with a shrug. "Besides, wouldn't it be awesome if Mrs. Joy had a mental breakdown because of us?"

Hidan chuckled at the thought. "Yeah..."

They grinned stupidly for a moment, reminiscing. Then:

"So, what do we do now?" Hidan inquired, looking around the empty hallway.

"Hm...there's a Foosball table in the lounge," Jaye suggested. "Wanna go play?"

"Sure."

oOoOoOoOo

As it turned out, Konan was a very good dancer, and quite enjoyed doing the salsa. Unfortunately she couldn't understand a word out of Jose's mouth, for his English was just about as limited as her Spanish, and he had to mime her errors. She was also sure that he hit on her a couple times, and as she only knew how to say "yes" in Spanish...

...Needless to say, there were several misunderstandings.

The worst occurred, perhaps, right after Konan had completed the dance. Jose was gazing at her dreamily, but snapped out of it when she waved a hand in front of his face and asked, "Well?"

"_Usted es tan bella como una puesta de sol, tan elegante como la luna creciente. Por favor, Konan, no te escapas conmigo! Yo te hará feliz y te llevará a muchos niños. Usted es el deseo de mi sólo es_," he rambled on, staring deeply into her eyes. Konan assumed that it was either praise or criticquing, so nodded and uttered the only reply she could.

"_Si_."

Jose's eyes brightened up, and he grabbed her hand and dragged her into the living room. "_Celebrar conmigo!"_ he cried, grinning widely._ "_Konan, la llama de pasión de mi alma, ha aceptado casarse conmigo!"__

Kat, who had been taking a drink of water at the time, choked. "Wh-what?" she stuttered, laughing hysterically. Konan's face fell. What, exactly, had she agreed to?

"What? What'd he say?" Zetsu asked excitedly.

"He says that he and Konan are getting married!" Kat guffawed, doubling over. Everyone present, with the exception of Pein, who looked rather pensive, and Konan, who was shocked at the news that she had agreed to holy matrimony, joined the laughter.

"Wait!" she shrieked. "Kat, how do I refuse?"

"Sorry, five bucks a translation," Kat gasped, wiping a tear from her eye.

"What? You just translated that for Zetsu for free!"

"Oh please," Kat tsked, shaking her head. "Like it wasn't a valuable translation for you too."

"Ugh! Fine!" Konan growled. "I will give you five dollars later. Now, tell Jose that I don't want to marry him!"

Kat got a hold of herself and nodded. "_El señor Jose_," she said, "_me temo que Konan le ha malinterpretado. Ella no quiere casarse."_

Jose blinked, suddenly saddened. He turned to Konan with sorrow-filled eyes. _"¿Entonces porque dices que sí, si no quieres no querer casarte conmigo?"_

"Uh...Kat?"

"Another five bucks."

"Are you kidding me?" Konan yelled.

"Nope. I'm broke, I need to rake up some cash before I go to my aunt's house," Kat replied.

"Fine! I'll give you another five bucks! Just - just answer his question and tell him to go away!"

Kat rolled her eyes and looked again at Jose. "_Konan sólo sabe 'sí' en español_," she explained. "_Ella ha tenido la menor idea de lo que usted ha estado diciendo todo este tiempo. Gracias por sus servicios, pero usted probablemente debería dejar."_

"_Ah, ya veo. Muy bien. Adiós, Konan y Kat y todo el mundo...Diga adiós a mi seductora lirio, por favor_." And with that, Jose trudged out of the house with slumped shoulders.

Konan flopped down on the couch. "Glad that's over. I never want to hear another Spanish word again in my life."

They all jumped when Lily called, "Timber!" and a gigantic black suitcase tumbled down the stairs, followed closely by it's twin. That was followed by Lily, hopping down the stairs two at a time with a large grin on her face.

"What's all that?" Kakuzu inquired, wide-eyed.

"Hm? Oh, that's just the stuff I packed for Vegas," Lily replied, popping out the handles of the suitcase and lugging them to the door. "The flight is super early and I don't want to pack all this stuff tomorrow morning. ITACHI? YOU READY TO GO?"

"Yes, I'm right here," Itachi sighed, sporting a duffel bag that didn't even look half full.

"Wow. Even Hidan's not that bad," Kakuzu said, analyzing the two heavy suitcases that Lily was struggling with. "Now I see why you needed a full day to pack."

Lily chose to ignore him. "Itachi, be a dear and help me with my bags, will you?"

"I've never been a dear," Itachi replied dryly, but he slung one of the suitcases over his shoulder anyway and heaved it outside and into the trunk of the Beast.

As he was doing so, Jaye, Hidan, Deidara, and Clari drove up in the truck. Jaye and Hidan looked inexplicably happy, as did Deidara.

"How was class?" Lily said cheerfully as the six of them walked back inside.

"Great!" Jaye said. "Hidan and I gave a teacher a mental breakdown! They had to get a SWAT team and everything, because she started throwing chairs around! It was awesome!"

"And I sculpted a bird in art class!" Deidara added.

"I finished my painting," Clari said, gesturing to a covered canvas that she had yet to let anyone but Biggs lay eyes on.

"Sounds like a productive day," Lily said. "I packed all of my stuff for Vegas! I'll be leaving around five tomorrow, so you two be good while Itachi and I are gone."

"Wow, you packed everything in a day?" Jaye said, impressed. "Way to go, Mom, that's a new record."

Zetsu grinned at Kat's astounded face as they disappeared into the kitchen, having heard the entire conversation from the point when Jaye was gloating about Mrs. Joy's mental breakdown. "See, I told you," he said wisely. "It's always better when you don't know the whole story."

oOoOoOoOo

Clari refused to cook dinner (she had now moved on to the conclusion that Kat had cast a curse upon the stove so that it blew up whatever she was trying to make), so Jaye took over the job. Judging by the delicious spicy smells wafting from the kitchen, she had a knack for it too.

"What's for dinner?" Tobi asked tentatively, poking his head into the kitchen when Jaye called them in to come eat.

"Tacos," Jaye replied.

Konan sighed. "Of course."

"I don't know why you make such a big deal out of cooking, Clari," Jaye said as they all sat down at the table, counter, and other assorted spots that they could spare in the kitchen. "It's not that hard at all."

"I never complained," Clari pointed out. "And if you like it so much, why don't you do it from now on?"

Jaye considered this. "You know what, I think I will."

Clari shrugged, indifferent; it was less work for her, anyway. Besides, as much as she hated to admit it, the tacos that Jaye made were pretty amazing.

"All those in favor, say 'aye,'" Lily requested officially. Everyone, including Clari herself, raised their hand and decreed that Jaye should take over the culinary duties. And so, it was settled.

"Can someone tell me how to say 'no' in Spanish?" Konan asked suddenly, looking pensive.

"No," Jaye, Lily, and Kat said together.

"Come on, please?"

"No," they said again, exasperated.

"Why not?" Konan inquired.

"No is no in Spanish," Jaye said, facepalming.

"Oooh...that would have been really helpful earlier, you know."

"Yeah, I heard about your lesson," Jaye chuckled. "So, I have a question: are you going to dance the salsa at your wedding?"

Konan glared as the table guffawed, wishing that she could chuck the taco at Jaye's head but knowing that was too delicious to waste doing so.

oOoOoOoOo

Later, Itachi found himself idly going through the boxes in the basement.

He could justify it in several different ways, of course, but really the main reason was that Kisame's snoring was particularly boisterous tonight and he was bored staring up at the ceiling. Not wanting to bother Zetsu and Kat upstairs by turning on the TV, he saw this as the only solution to relieve his boredom.

It wasn't like he was _snooping_ or anything.

Though Kisame and Bear did have the right idea. There were several interesting thing in the boxes; one was dedicated entirely to scented candles (Clari's probably), another was filled with bright boxes of assorted candied insects (Itachi didn't want to know), and yet another brimming with coasters, aprons, and oven mitts, all with witty sayings painted or embroidered on them.

Itachi opened one box and pulled out the most unexpected thing: a slinky silk undergarment adorned with beaded embellishments. He quickly released the lingerie and peered inside the box, curious. Yes, it was just as he thought but didn't want to believe; the entire box was filled with lacy, silky, sheer lingerie.

Well, he knew one thing: it did not belong to Jaye or Clari. First of all, the girls were much to modest to sport the items in question, and there was no way that Lily would let them purchase such things. Also, they wouldn't have entertained anybody with them even if she had. Jaye involuntarily flinched whenever she passed a _Victoria's Secret_ in the mall, and Clari avoided it entirely.

So Itachi came to the conclusion that the lingerie belonged to Lily.

Itachi was shocked - yes, shocked - when the slightest of shade of pink crawled up his neck. He was Uchiha Itachi, dammit, he did not get shocked, or blush, or curse!

But how could he not? The lingerie was so...so...

It was _lingerie_! And it belonged to Lily! What was he supposed to do? Contrary popular belief, he was not impenetrable to the charms of women; he just exercised astounding self-control. He wasn't an asexual robot! He was a man, a fully grown twenty-one-year-old man, and he had bodily functions just like everyone else!

After a moment of contemplation and a particularly loud snore from Kisame that snapped him out of his thoughts, he decided to just put the lingerie back in the box and pretend he'd never laid eyes on it.

But before he could do so, he felt eyes on the back of his head and turned to see Zetsu standing in the basement doorway, choking down hysterical fits of laughter; whether at the lingerie in Itachi's hands or the rare stunned look on his face, Itachi wasn't sure. But once the implications of his situation clicked in his brain, he felt the pink tinge rise up to his cheeks and hastily shook his head.

"This isn't - it's not what it - "

"Oh, how the tables have turned," Zetsu said, chuckling. Itachi stared after him as the plant-man promptly turned on his heel and walked out of the basement; it didn't occur to him to wonder what exactly Zetsu had been doing down there. He was solely absorbed with exasperation at the fact that now he was in the exact same situation that Zetsu was in just a few months ago, only it was worse. Why it was worse, Itachi could not say; perhaps it was because he was on the receiving end of it, or maybe it had to do with the fact that it was Lily's underwear he'd found (not that he could really pin point why that would make a difference, but it did). Nevertheless, it was definitely much worse.

Itachi, knowing that it was useless to worry about it at this particular moment, put the lingerie back into the box as he'd intended and sealed it shut. Zetsu would wait for an opportune moment to use this blackmail against him, and there was nothing he could do about it.

When he finally went to sleep, his dreams were ransacked by salsa-dancing cacti dressed in lingerie.

* * *

><p><strong>Heading to Vegas next chapter! Also, I did get all the Spanish from Google Translate, so even though I double- and triple-checked it, if there's something wrong please let me know (that is, if you actually speak Spanish).<strong>

**Now, a moment of silence for Egghead, the second innocent life that's been taken in this series. I know it's hard, guys, but we have to pull through. You can't have a happily ever after in every story. **

**So, silence.**

**...**

**...**

**Pablo I and Egghead would both want you to review. Respect their wishes, and do it!**


	11. Mustaches, Monocles, and Mixups

**Chapter Ten: Mustaches, Monocles, and Mixups**

* * *

><p>It's a widely known fact that, when someone is leaving the house at a particularly early time in the morning, it's common courtesy to be as quiet as possible as to not wake the others who are sleeping.<p>

Lily was not a courteous person.

At 4:30am, Lily erupted from her room and was bustling through the house, gathering up her last minute things and talking to Itachi in a rather loud voice. She made herself and Itachi breakfast, dropping the toaster at one point and letting the microwave go off for at least three minutes. Needless to say, by 4:36am, Jaye came down the stairs to tell her mother off and found that the rest of the house had already come down with that same intention, only to be thwarted by Lily's cheerful attitude. They were much to tired to battle with it this early in the morning.

"Well, we must be going now," Lily proclaimed, looking at her watch. She was met with unanimous groan, as everyone was too sleepy to articulate a farewell. She shook her head and headed toward the door with Itachi at her heels. "Bye-bye, everybody, see you in a week! And Kat, your aunt called, she's picking you up Tuesday."

Kat had flopped back down on her air mattress and was unresponsive.

"Clari, make sure that Kat gets the message," Lily ordered, but Clari had curled up beside Deidara on the couch and showed no signs of consciousness. Lily shook her head. "You'd think they'd be overjoyed. Jaye, you'll tell Kat?"

Jaye flopped an arm, already half asleep, and mumbled a response. Lily decided that this was good enough and headed out the door with Itachi before they missed their flight.

"You do realize that something is going to go wrong, correct?" Itachi said pessimistically as he and Lily walked down the driveway.

"Eh, they'll do okay," Lily dismissed, stretching. "I'm so tired! I couldn't get any sleep last night, because I was so excited. I can't wait until we get to Vegas! How'd you sleep, Itachi?"

Lily could have sworn she saw Itachi twitch.

"Fine," he lied stiffly.

oOoOoOoOo

It was several hours before anybody in the house rose again after Lily and Itachi took their leave. Most went back to bed, but several were too tired to do so. When Jaye came back downstairs for the second time that morning, feeling much more well-rested, she was surprised to discover that Zetsu, Kat, and Kisame were watching television, squished onto a single couch, while Clari and Deidara snoozed away on the other. Or at least, Jaye was fairly certain it was Deidara; there was a black ball of fur covering his entire face.

"Is anybody else up?" Jaye asked, yawning.

"Just us and Pein," Kisame answered with a chuckle.

Jaye raised an eyebrow. "What's so funny?"

Suddenly Deidara gasped and jumped up, dislodging Kira from his face, as she had been suffocating him. Jaye felt her jaw drop and had to stuff her fist in her mouth to stifle her giggles.

"What?" Deidara exclaimed, blinking around in surprise.

"Oh, nothing," Zetsu said slyly. "You might want to lay back down, or you'll wake Clari up."

Deidara seemed startled to find that Clari was splayed on the couch beside him, but he nodded in a half-asleep, half-awake daze and layed back down, his snores filling the room again within a few seconds. When his eyes finally closed, Jaye allowed herself proper laughter.

"Wh-who did that?" she inquired, wiping a tear from her eye.

"Did what?" Pein said innocently, coming out of the kitchen with a glass of orange juice in one had and toast in the other. Jaye gestured to Deidara, whose face was visible now that Kira had enviously decided to wedge herself in the narrow space between him and Clari.

Pein's mouth twitched when he saw what she was talking about. "Oh, that? It's a masterpiece created by one of the greatest artists of the decade. Wouldn't you agree?"

"I'm starting to change my mind about you, Pein," Jaye said, high-fiving him. "Maybe Zetsu should hold off on trying to get the rest of your memory back."

"Oh well, I try - wait, what?"

"Stop confusing the poor guy," Zetsu commanded. "_And make us some breakfast while you're at it_."

Jaye made a very rude hand gesture and retreated into the kitchen to assume her newfound culinary duties. She paused and peeked back out into the living room, pointing to Kat. "Oi, Mom told me to tell you that your aunt called or something and you're leaving today."

"WHAT?" Kat shrieked, leaping off the couch and effectively shocking Clari and Deidara out of their slumber. "My aunt is picking me up _today_? Why didn't you say anything sooner! I have to pack - and do my hair - and - and - " Kat continued to rattle off a long list of chores, vanishing upstairs to start.

"Okay then," Jaye said, ducking back into the kitchen.

Clari blinked and looked up at Deidara. She frowned and tilted her head. "Deidara, why do you have a mustache and a monocle?" she asked.

"What are you talking about?" said Deidara, reaching up to pat his upper lip. There didn't seem to be any mustache growing there. Clari reached up and touched the space around his eye.

"Is that...marker?"

"WHAT?"

Deidara shot off of the couch so quickly that Clari tumbled onto the floor, having been pulled off by Deidara in his haste to get to a mirror. "Ow," she said sardonically, blowing strands of hair from her face.

"What the hell?" Deidara cried, gaping at his reflection. Scribbled on his face in black marker was a thick, curly mustache and a crooked round monocle (over the eye not hidden by his fringe, of course), as well as a goatee. He wheeled around and ogled at the people in the living room, studiously staring at the TV. "Who did this?"

"Who indeed?" said Pein, rather sarcastically.

Luckily, Deidara didn't pick up on it. "I gotta go wash this off!" he said hysterically, rushing upstairs to the bathroom. They heard him banging on the door. "Kat, hurry up! I got marker on my face, dammit!"

Pein slyly revealed the black marker to Zetsu. "Don't worry, it's permanent," he whispered.

"I wonder who drew on his face?" Clari pondered, not catching Pein's smile as he slipped the marker back into his pocket. "Did you guys see anything?"

"No, not a thing," Zetsu said.

"I just got down here," Pein testified.

"IT'S NOT COMING OFF, UN!"

Clari sighed and got up. "I better go help him."

"Oh, did you hear that Kat's leaving today?" Kisame inquired.

"Seriously?" Clari said, freezing in her tracks as a grin spread across her face. "YES! Finally, I've been waiting for this day since elementary school! Kathrine Mathews is finally being banished to Canada! I've gotta go celebrate!"

She rushed into the kitchen, Deidara's facial turmoils completely forgotten. They heard Kat's angry footsteps and stared as she made a face in Clari's direction. "I heard that!" she said crossly, flopping down on the couch and shaking out her wet mane of blonde hair. "That hurts my feelings, you know."

"What feelings?" Konan remarked, coming down the stairs.

Kat made a face at her instead. "Shut up, you owe me fifteen bucks."

"Ten bucks, you liar." Konan yelped and tumbled down the rest of the stairs as Deidara came streaking past, shooting into the kitchen.

"SOMEBODY HELP MEEEE!"

Kat got up and stepped over the jumbled heap that was Konan. "I'm going to go finish packing," she declared primly, tossing her head prestigious.

"Are you also aware that Lily said Kat's aunt is coming on Tuesday?" Pein asked Kisame after Kat was out of earshot.

"Yeah, I heard her say that."

"And you know that today is Monday?"

"Yup."

Konan made a noise. "Can somebody help me up, please?"

"Well," Zetsu said, turning up the volume on the TV. "This should be interesting."

oOoOoOoOo

Lily and Itachi sat in airport security, a grim silence stretching between them. Itachi gave Lily yet another in a long series of rather nasty looks. She shrank, expecting the lecture that had been building up for some time now.

"You brought the sword with you," Itachi said evenly, as if he was discussing the weather.

"...Yeah."

"You packed a metal weapon in your suitcase."

"Uh-huh."

"Not thinking that airport security would confiscate it and arrest us, even though you have ridden on an airplane many more times than I have."

"Basically."

Itachi sighed. "Lily, you are an idiot."

"I hardly think that's fair!" Lily snapped. "It wasn't just because of my sword that they arrested us, you know! Someone packed shuriken in their duffel bag!"

"I've never ridden on an airplane, therefore I had no prior knowledge as to what was acceptable," Itachi said reasonably, crossing his arms. "And they never would have found my shuriken if your sword hadn't set off the alarm. They were very well concealed."

Lily harrumphed. "You're just lucky I know the head of security personally, and that this is a private jet from the bank. Otherwise we wouldn't be going to Las Vegas at all."

Itachi was about to open his mouth to retort, but the head of security at the airport in question opened the door and interrupted him. Officer Gryffin, a ruddy man with at least a foot over Itachi and Lily's heads and a healthy beerbelly to boot, stepped in and gave them a look akin to amusement.

"Well, we searched your baggage and there doesn't seem to be any other threatening objects," Gryffin reported, scratching his head. "You said that the sword and the ninja stars were part of some costumes?"

Lily and Itachi nodded.

"Alright, I guess you're free to go," Gryffin lamented. "But we will have to confinscate the weapons and you'll have to wait for the next flight to Las Vegas which is" - he glanced at the clock - "in an hour. Until then, I guess you can grab your stuff and sit around."

"Awesome," Lily sighed, relieved. "Thanks, Grady, you're a lifesaver. I definitely owe you one."

"You can buy me a drink when you get back," Gryffin said with a wink, patting his stomach as Itachi left to go retrieve their baggage. "Not that I need it. Though, I have to say I've never had to arrest anyone for carrying around a sword and some ninja stars. Highlight of my week."

"I try," Lily said.

"So, Vegas huh? What for?" He wiggled his eyebrows suggestively, glancing at Itachi's retreating form. Lily gave him a look.

"Strictly business. Well, not strictly, but mostly business. At least 3/4 business. Officially, though, it's strictly business."

"I see," Gryffin said with a snort. "Well, have fun. I've always wanted to go to Vegas with the wife, but never could find the time. You got it lucky. That guy seems a bit...calm for you, though. I guess this is where the whole 'opposites attract' philosophy comes into play."

"Wait, what?" Lily shrieked. "Wh-what? Me and - and Itachi? No! No, no, no. You've got it all wrong! He's just coming with me so I have someone to go with! We're not - there's no way - "

"Whatever you say."

"I'm telling the truth!"

Gryffin gave her a look. "Please, Lily, I went through your baggage. I know about the, ahem, _delicates_ that you packed."

"Delicates?" Lily repeated, aghast.

"Fine, play dumb if you want," Gryffin waved off. "I get it, it's none of my business. But if I need to have a heart-to-heart with that guy - he does seem kinda sketchy, if you know what I mean - you just tell me. I gotta get back to work now, but I'll see you when you get back. Don't forget that drink, alright?"

"Wait, what do you mean del - ?"

But Gryffin had already left. Lily sat alone in the office for a second, utterly befuddled, until Itachi poked his head in to announce that he'd grabbed their bags and was rather hungry. Lily shook her head to clear it and grabbed a suitcase, tottering over to the Starbucks and buying herself a crumb cake to help her mourn the loss of her beloved sword.

oOoOoOoOo

"Where are you going?"

Clari blinked and paused in the process of putting her hair up in a ponytail, turning around to address the three people who had simultaneously asked her this question; Kat, who was looking aggrivated as she stuffed her things into her pink polka-dotted suitcase, an equally agrieved, marker-faced Deidara, and Pein with an innocent, expectant gaze.

"Work," she replied to them, brushing her bangs out of her face.

Pein scrunched up his face. "I don't remember you having a job..."

"I didn't the last time you were here," Clari assured. "Today's my first day."

"In a bathing suit?" Deidara asked suspiciously, taking a break from peering at himself in the mirror to assess Clari's wardrobe, which consisted of a brilliant red one-piece bathing suit with the word "lifeguard" printed across it in white letters. Clari had also slipped on some red shorts and her favorite pair of black flip-flops.

"Generally one wears a bathing suit when working at a pool," Clari said. "I'm a lifeguard, so if anyone is drowning or something I have to jump in and save them. It would be a lot more difficult if I was wearing my usual clothes, don't you think?"

"You can't go to work!" Kat shrieked, standing up and giving Clari an offending glare. "You have to help me pack so I can have everything ready for when my aunt gets here!"

Clari shot her an incredulous look. "What on earth gave you the impression that I was going to do that in the first place?" she retorted coldly, grabbing her keys. "Besides, there are nine other people in this house. If you ask nicely for once in your life, I don't think that you'll find any shortage of people who are somewhat willing to help you."

"Oh, oh! Clari-chan, can Tobi come with you to work?"

"No."

With that Clari turned on her heel and exited, leaving Tobi quite disheartened.

"Is it just me, or does she seem a bit aggitated?" Kisame remarked.

Everyone turned to Kat.

She held up her hands defensively. "I didn't do anything."

So they looked at Deidara, who was still frowning at himself in the mirror. "Why're you all looking at me? I didn't do anything!" he cried, adding, "or at least I don't think I did, un."

"Don't worry about it, she gets like this when Lily goes on business trips," Jaye said dismissively, coming down the stairs. "Don't ask me why, it's just a Clari thing. Though...what's today's date?"

"August nineth," Pein said.

Jaye cursed so loud that it caused everyone to jump. They blinked at her in surprise, for usually there was a source or a reason for her cussing (generally going by the name of Hidan) but this time it had come out of the blue.

"What?" Kat snapped.

"It's that time of year," Jaye sighed, facepalming. "Shit, why didn't I notice it before? I just thought it was because that" - she pointed to Kat - "was staying here, I didn't think..."

"I'm sorry, but did you just refer to me as a 'that'?"

Kat's comment went ignored. "What do you mean, what time of year is it?" Kakuzu inquired curiously. Was it that holiday that Clari didn't like - Valahune's Day or whatever?

"August thirteenth," Jaye said solemnly, "is the day that Emi died."

The room was shocked into weighty silence. Emi Sazume, the forgotten informant, Clari's mother, Pein's once-upon-a-time lover...to the Akatsuki it didn't seem that long ago that she was there with them, offering drinks as she whispered secrets under her breath. An older version of Clari, really, with a long brown braid and dancing blue eyes.

"Who's Emi?" Kat asked timidly, feeling the need to whisper in the heavy silence of the room. Jaye gave her a spiteful look, as if she had intruded on something sacred and personal; which, in all retrospect, she probably had.

"Emi was Clari's mom," she sighed, rubbing her forehead. "She died when Clari was twelve. Clari always gets kind of moody when this time comes around; I guess she doesn't like thinking about it. We go to visit her grave every year...I wonder if Mom's gonna be able to make it this time, if she's in Vegas..."

"Wait, I thought that Lily - ?"

"_Didn't you listen to what I told you?_" Zetsu's black half spat. "Lily is Clari's aunt and Jaye's mom."

"We're cousins," Jaye put in for clarification.

"But - "

"Look, this really doesn't concern you," Jaye said harshly, giving Kat another nasty look. "You've never given a care about our lives before, so don't butt in now. We don't want a pity-party or something anyway, especially not from you. You're leaving today, so why don't you go pack like you said you were going to?"

Kat felt the blood spike up to her cheeks, but she didn't say anything else. Grabbing her suitcase, she batted her eyes at the Akatsuki members and said in her sweetest drawl, "Would any of you kindly like to assist me in packing?"

Suddenly, everyone was very absorbed in the local news blaring from the television.

oOoOoOoOo

Itachi quickly found that being as high up in the ranks as Lily and working for a bank as wealthy as the one she worked for had a certain degree of privilages included. One of which was a private plane, complete with comfy beige seats, a single polite flight attendant, and wi-fi.

Lily typed away on her laptop, supposedly doing last minute work for the Vegas trip while Itachi stared out of the window and down to the earth below. Patches of urban blocks criss-crossed by roads spread out for miles, as well as haphazard squares of green fields and bristling forests.

From beside him, Lily giggled.

"Hey, Itachi," she said, nudging him. "Did you know that your name means 'weasel'?"

"What are you looking at?" Itachi inquired sharply, leaning over to peer at her computer screen. His eyes widened when he saw that there was a picture of him, as well as what seemed to be a long description of his abilities, personality, and life.

"The Naruto Wiki," Lily replied, scrolling down. "I got bored, so I Googled you. You don't mind, right? It's not like a complete and total invasion of privacy or anything?"

"Well - "

"Good, because there's actually a lot of interesting stuff on here about you," Lily continued hastily, not pausing to hear that, yes, Itachi did find it an invasion of privacy that she'd Googled him and now had full access to a long series of traumatic events that had taken place in his life.

However, Lily seemed to have more interest in less important matters. "You really need to open up and talk about yourself more, Itachi," she repremanded, skimming the information. "For instance, did you know that you and I are the exact same height? Five foot, eight inches. Also, I had no idea that your hobby was visiting traditional Japanese cafes! And I always thought that these" - she reached up and touched the tear troughs under his eyes - "were bags from lack of sleep or something. I didn't know you'd inherited them."

Lily seemed to realize only a second after Itachi that she was still brushing her fingers along his face, and quickly went back to the computer, nearly whacking Itachi in the cheek in the process.

"And look here!" she said exubrantly, pointing. "Pictures!"

Itachi blinked at the screen, where rows and rows of pictures all of him were displayed. Lily scrolled down, chuckling at them. "You're so serious in all of these! And the wind is whipping your hair all mysteriously...hey, you're smiling in that one!"

"I'm also all bloody," Itachi pointed out.

Lily ignored him. "You need to smile more...oh, there's a little chibi Itachi! Oh, you're all cute and demented-looking! Look, there's one with you and Deidar - oh. Um, maybe I should...I'm just gonna..." Lily awkwardly closed the laptop while Itachi went back to the window, attempting in vain to erase disturbing the image from his mind.

oOoOoOoOo

Clari could never ever bring herself to hate Ryan, but she could bring herself to be relatively annoyed at her for arriving at the pool where she worked with her shithead of a younger brother.

He was every lifeguard's worst nightmare - hell, he was every _human being's_ worst nightmare. Clari hadn't known a military academy to ever kick out a problem student, nor had she believed that the juvenile detention center wouldn't be able to contain him. It seemed ludicrous that after all this time Josh was supposed to be spending learning to be better behaved, he'd actually gotten more infuriating, more foul-mouthed, and more destructive.

And apparently, puberty had set in early.

Josh's idea of a polite greeting was frankly reaching over and grabbing Clari's ass, to which she'd yelped and, if it had not been for Ryan beating her to the punch, would have slapped him upside the head.

"Apologize!" Ryan ordered, pointing at Clari.

Josh grinned. "But I'm not sorry."

That was only the beginning.

Ryan was quite vigilant, but there was no way that she could catch every underhanded trick Josh tried. Ergo, it was Clari's begrudging duty as a lifeguard to set him straight. However, being the evil genius he was, he never did anything that would justify him getting kicked out fo the pool; which was exactly what Clari was itching to do, Ryan or no Ryan.

First he stole another kid's nachos, and Ryan had to pay for another one after he dumped them in the trash. Then he aimed sunscreen at women's bikini bottoms and made crude jokes. Clari pounced on him and snatched the sunscreen, as Ryan was in the bathroom ridding herself of the sticky white substance, and told him that he wasn't getting it back and that he could burn to a freaking crisp for all she cared. Unfortunately another pool-goer had been strutting by at the time, and Josh erupted into tears right on cue. The pool-goer misinterpepreted the scene and took pity on "the adorable, defensless little boy" and threatened to complain to management. Then she gave Josh an ice cream, which he gloatingly consumed in front of a twitching Clari.

He committed a long series of other petty crimes as well, all of which Clari had to chastise him for. It seemed that this was what he wanted to begin with, because he constantly interrupted her tirades to compliment her physique in an unflattering way. Clari finally became fed-up with it after she'd finished lecturing him on the importance of not dumping juice into the pool, when she turned on her heel to storm away and he slapped her ass for the second time that day.

Clari froze and reigned in the swirling vortex of rage gnawing its way to freedom. She wanted nothing more than to reach around and claw the smirk right off of his chubby little face, but she refrained herself. Instead she turned around and gave him a scowl that would have had any non-psychopathic child's pants soiled.

"Look, kid," she hissed. "I am done with you. If you don't follow the damn rules, if you touch me again, you will discover that boot camp is land of rainbows and butterflies compared to me. I. Will. Crush. You."

"No, you won't," Josh said confidently. "You'll get fired if you lay a hand on me, and Ryan'll get mad at you too. So don't try to pretend that you're scary, because you're not."

"I never said I'd lay a hand on you here," Clari challenged. "And what Ryan doesn't know won't hurt her. You can't tell anybody what I did if you can't speak." To emphasize her point, Clari pushed him in the pool.

In retrospect, it probably wasn't the best idea she'd ever had. It felt good, at first, but then she heard sputtering and a frightening realistic cry of, "Help! I can't swim!"

Shit.

Clari knew that Josh could swim perfectly fine, but no one else in the vicinity did. Therefore, her being the lifeguard closest to the lying little sneak, it was within the job requirements that she rescue him. She suspected that if she did, he wouldn't stop there; he'd probably play dead until she was forced to perform CPR, and she'd be damned before she ever kissed that kid, indirectly or otherwise.

However, she realized with glee that it was exactly 4:05pm, meaning that she had been off duty for the past five minutes and that Josh drowning was not her problem. So she continued walking, ignoring the gasps of disbelief - which continued until a glorious voice said, "Hey, kid, it's only three feet. You can touch, you know."

Clari heaved a giant sigh when she finally sat down in the car. Her triumph over Josh did nothing to lessen her leaden exhaustion; she'd been tired and cranky all week. Whether it was Kat's doing, or the upcoming nerves concerned with her secret admission into the art show at which she would hopefully be displaying her newest painting, or if it had anything to do with annual flood of conflicted feelings brought on by the anniversary of her mother's death, Clari wasn't sure, but what she really wanted was something to cheer her up - and this bright, sunny day, marred by Josh's interference, wasn't cutting it.

She jumped when someone knocked on her window - it was Ryan, looking very apologetic. Clari rolled it down and listened to her friend's long spiel, zoning off and wishing that she could just go home.

It wasn't until the speech was over and Clari gracefully accepted Ryan's apology that the pink-haired girl squirmed uncomfortably and bit her lip, glancing up at Clari with pleading eyes. Clari felt an alarm go off in her head, but plowed on with the conversation anyway.

"What?" she said bluntly.

"You know you're my best friend, right? And that I love you and adore you? Remember how super nice I am and how it's my doing that you and Deidara got together? And - "

Clari put up a hand to silence her. "Just cut to the chase, Ryan. What is it?"

"Well...I have a favor to ask you..."

oOoOoOoOo

Kat looked like she was getting ready to burst into tears. Which, she was not sorry to admit, was a sight that Jaye would've paid to see. But she supposed that the one in front of her would do, as it, too, was particularly satisfying to her sadistic and cruel personality.

The blonde was sitting on the curb (she'd eagerly gone out there of her own accord after Tobi was elected to help her pack, consequently put on one of her bras, and began doing a dance) with her pink polka-dotted suitcases surrounding her like a fortress of misery. It was exactly 5:01pm, and her aunt had yet to come pick her up. Jaye didn't bother to point out that one minute's delay didn't constitute such a defeated demeanor, since she was enjoying the sight too much.

She tore herself from the window only to answer the phone, which she correctly guessed to be her mother calling from Las Vegas. "Greetings from Nevada!" Lily chirped. "Itachi and I were just settling down at the hotel, and I decided to give you a call. How's everything without me? Is the house on fire yet?"

"Not yet," Jaye said. "But it's getting there. How was your flight?"

"Superb. Except for Itachi had a panic attack when we took off."

"Really?"

There was a crackle and Jaye heard Itachi's voice. "No, it's not. I did nothing of the sort."

"We did find out that his name means 'weasel' though," Lily put in.

"It can be translated to weasel, so it doesn't necessarily mean weasel."

"Whatever. Hey, did you tell Kat that her aunt is picking her up tomorrow at 5:00?"

Jaye froze. "What?"

"Hello? Did you hear me? Jaye?"

"I thought you said that her aunt was picking her up today!" Jaye said, baffled.

"No," Lily sighed, as if she had expected such a lack of communication, "I said that her aunt was picking her up _Tuesday_. Which is tomorrow."

"Well shit," Jaye said. "I guess I better tell Kat to get back inside then."

"Yeah, I should probably go to bed pretty soon. I have a meeting tomorrow and Itachi has a big day of sitting in the hotel room waiting for me to come back. I'm sure he's ecstatic, aren't you, Itachi?"

"Jumping with joy."

"Oh my gosh!" Jaye shrieked, chuckling. "Itachi used sarcasm! Go, Itachi! Oh! Yeah, Mom, before I forget, are you gonna be back before August thirteenth?"

"Don't worry about it, I'm coming back on the eleventh. I'll be there when we go to visit Emi and Jacob. But make sure you buy all the stuff I'll need to make lunch and whatnot - "

"- Yeah, yeah, I got it," Jaye interrupted, waving a dismissal hand even though Lily was not there to bare witness to it. "Don't worry, Clari and I have everything covered on this end. You and Itachi just get back to your strip clubs and casinos."

"Hey, it's not all fun and games, you know - "

" - Goodbye, Mother."

"Don't you hang up on - "

Jaye clicked the OFF button on the phone, smiling smugly to herself. She put it back on the hook and peeked out the window, debating on whether she should let Kat in or not. It wouldn't hurt to leave her out there for a little bit longer...

Clari pulled up in the truck, looking quite disgruntled when she saw that Kat was still present. Jaye decided that it was probably time to relieve Kat of her melancholic episode before someone mistook her for a prostitute or something.

"Hey, Clari," she said in terms of greeting, opening the door wide for her cousin. "How was work?"

Clari pointed to Kat, looking outraged. "What is she doing here? You said she'd be gone by the time I got home!"

"There was a mistake. HEY, KAT! COME BACK IN, YOUR AUNT'S NOT COMING 'TIL TOMORROW!" Jaye shouted over Clari's head, smirking when Kat gave a gigantic groan and began dismantling her pink polka-dotted fortress. "So, how _was_ work?"

"Josh is back," Clari said simply.

Jaye looked horror-struck. "No!"

"Yeah. And he's worse."

"Is that possible?"

"My ass has been slapped more times than I can count," Clari remarked, sliding her way inside. She paused and shuffled her feet, glancing at Jaye out of the corner of her eye. "And...well, I kind of volunteered to...um...do Ryan a favor."

"What kind of favor?" Jaye asked, her eyes narrowing in suspicion.

"Then kind of favor where we have to watch Josh for a few while she and her mom go to her dad's _American Idol _audition for moral support."

"WHAT?" Jaye shrieked, gaping at Clari. "Why the fuck would you tell her that we would babysit that little asshole? I like Ryan and all, but there is no way in hell that I'm putting up with her brother for that long!"

"Don't worry, I've got it all thought out," Clari promised. "The day that we're watching him, you and I will both be at work and the Akatsuki will be here. I've got permission to duct tape him to a chair, so all we have to do is contain him in the basement and tell the Akatsuki not to go down there. Simple, right?"

Relieved, Jaye nodded. "Yeah, I guess that could work. I'm going to go make dinner."

Clari closed and locked the front door, conveniently "forgetting" that Kat was still outside, and went to change out of her lifeguard bathing suit while the Akatsuki waited until watching TV with the banging coming from the door became unbearable to let Kat back inside. The blonde blew her bangs out of her eyes, scowling at them murderously.

"I hate you all."

oOoOoOoOo

Itachi looked around the bland hotel room, surveying his surroundings as he would while traveling on a mission. While the room expressed little to no personality, it was cleaner than most accommodations that Kakuzu foisted upon them; there were full-sized beds with bright white sheets, surrounded by several neat little tables that bore the weight of plain lamps and brochures. Itachi was also pleased to discover that there was a television and a pool, as he would be spending most of his days waiting for Lily to finish with her extensive meetings. Then he supposed they would, as Lily said, "hit the town" and have fun.

Fun...

Lily, who was getting changed in the bathroom, peeked her head out with a look of mild embarrassment. "Itachi, there was some kind of mix up with my clothes so...um, don't look, okay? Or if you do look, don't laugh."

Itachi shrugged.

Lily darted out of the bathroom with her other clothes in hand, shielding as much of her exposed skin as possible. Itachi felt his ears turn pink when he saw her out of the corner of his eye, but he refrained from saying anything for both of their benefits. Lily dove under the blankets of her respective bed, wiggling around until her head popped out of the other side and she was entirely covered.

There was a moment of contemplative silence.

"I didn't pack this on purpose, you know," Lily muttered glumly. "Someone must have found it in the basement and decided it would be funny to switch all of my pajamas with lingerie."

_Zetsu_, Itachi thought immediately, his resentment towards the plant-man's mischievous black half growing. There was no other person it could have been; besides Itachi, Zetsu was the only person who had seen what was in that box before they'd left for Vegas.

Itachi glanced at Lily in his peripheral vision, following the line of white silk from the very same piece of lingerie he'd been caught with the other day sloping down her bare shoulder. He snuggled deeper into the blankets as his ears burned with a new intensity, glad that the room was somewhat dark and Lily could not see his face.

Lily finally sighed and turned off the lamp, swaddling them in a darkness that was nearly absolute. "Sorry, Itachi, but I have to get up early tomorrow morning. G'night."

"Goodnight," Itachi said, curiously debating what bizarre dreams would await him that night.

* * *

><p><strong>I know what you're thinking right now.<strong>

**Another. Freaking. Filler.**

**I'm sorry, okay? I'm doing my best! But elaborate plots such as these take time to set up, and the filler chapters are developed in the process. But fear not, my dear readers, the fillers shall be no more! I pinkie-promise that the next chapter will be funnier and action-packed like no other!**

**The more reviews I get, the more motivated I am. :D**


	12. The Booke of Incantations and Recipes

**Chapter Eleven: The Booke of Incantations and Recipes**

* * *

><p>Seven Akatsuki members stared up at their leader blankly, processing the words that had just come out of his mouth. Finally, Kisame blinked and shook his head to clear it.<p>

"Training?"

"Uh...yes, I think that we should go train," Pein proposed, doing his best to look leaderly, "in the woods, you know? I have some foreboding sense that we should and...well, Clari and Jaye keep pointed out that you guys are getting lazy, so..."

"This is good," Zetsu nodded, peering at Pein curiously. "Your priority to the Akatsuki is unconsciously presenting itself in the form of disapproval; you feel that we're slacking off, so you suggest that we train. _It might also be the reason why you drew on Deidara's face yesterday."_

Deidara's jaw dropped. "That was you, un?"

"Tobi told you he was innocent, Deidara-senpai!"

"So we're going to train today, after lunch," Pein said, bypassing Deidara's accusation entirely. The Akatsuki unanimously slumped; they were quite enjoying this time off from working, and they were not eager to get back to it.

"Can't we do it tomorrow?" Kakuzu asked. "A new episode of _Jersey Shore_ is coming on later, and I wanted to catch it."

Clari made a face. "Ugh, you actually watch that crap?"

"It's entertaining."

"Nooo! Tobi wants to watch _Adventure Time_!"

"That show's crap, Tobi. We're not watching it."

Konan presented the remote. "Actually, we're watching _How It's Made_. They're investigating a paper factory today."

"You guys have no taste in television," Jaye chastised. "I vote we watch _NCIS_."

"Denied!" everyone said simultaneously.

"They play the same ones over and over," Zetsu clarified. "It gets too redundant and annoying."

"WAIT!" Pein snapped; he'd been growing more and more agitated as the conversation progressed. "You aren't watching any of that, because we're going training at noon! No exceptions!"

Clari opened her mouth to interject, but Pein interrupted her with an angry, "No exceptions!"

She raised an eyebrow and closed her mouth, shrugging nonchalantly. Jaye cheerfully snatched the remote from Konan's hands and changed it to USA. "_NCIS_ it is, then!"

Just as she said it, there was the sound of a thousand raindrops hitting the roof all at once. Everyone rushed to the window to see that the sky had opened up and rain was pouring down in sheets, dousing everything. Clari, who had remained on the couch, smiled smugly as she put in her earbuds. "I was going to say that it was supposed to rain today, and that you might want to hold off on training. But no one wanted to listen to me..."

Pein glared at her. "We're still going to train. Water won't kill us, right, men?"

If the Akatsuki had looked less than enthusiastic before, they were mutinous now.

"We've never trained in the rain before!"

"We won't be able to see anything out there anyway, un!"

"Tobi doesn't want to get wet!"

"We'll all catch colds, and I'll have to pay the medical bill!"

"Last time I went out into a thunderstorm, I got struck by fucking lightning!"

"I'm a woman, you know."

"No, I'm the leader of the Akatsuki and what I say goes!" Pein declared, nodding vigorously. "If I say we're training, then we're training. Besides, it's not even - "

He was interrupted by a loud crack of thunder, which Clari was blissfully unaware of due to her headphones. The Akatsuki gave him identical 'I told you so' looks, assuming he'd been getting ready to point out the lack of lightning. The Leader shook his head and surrendered. "Fine, we won't train today."

The Akatsuki let out a whoop, and Hidan took the remote from Jaye. "Hey!" she objected, reaching for it. Hidan flipped the channels while dodging her attacks, finally settling on _Tom and Jerry._

"Really, bastard? The only one in here who still watches cartoons is Tobi!" Jaye said, leaning across Hidan's lap to arrest the remote from his outstretched hand.

"I like it. It's pleasantly violent. Jashin would approve," Hidan said as Jaye landed in a crumpled heep on his lap. She, too, sighed in surrender and gazed languidly at the TV as Tom caught his tail in a mousetrap. She smirked.

"I guess you could pick worse cartoons, bastard."

"Great. Now get off me before I have to decapitate you, bitch."

oOoOoOoOo

Jaye left for work around 11:00am, begrudgingly dragging Tobi along with her after the incessant stream of pleas issuing from his mouth like water from a faucet. Clari had so bluntly refused him yesterday that he felt the need to go with _someone_ as if to make up for it. Upon learning that Jaye now worked at an antique toy store, he redoubled his efforts and was eventually granted acceptance.

Bear was not happy with this arrangement, but refrained from saying anything. He instead busied himself with spying on Kira, his uneasiness about her still aroused. If Kira noticed, she didn't show it. She glued herself to Deidara's side as per usual, grooming her soft black fur in the hopes that he would pet her.

Kat was waiting obsessively by the door, counting the second until her aunt finally came to pick her up. Few tried to attempt conversation with her; most ignored her as they walked past; some, namely Clari, purposely knocked over her things when they passed by. Kat retorted by sticking her leg out and tripping the unsuspecting deaf-by-music girl, consequently knocking out her earbuds and snickering as Clari scrambled to put them back in. The storm showed no signs of subsiding, but the thunder wasn't so bad that it was a handycap to Clari outside of the fact that her music was continuously blasting.

This posed as an irritating situation for the rest of the household, as they had to scream whenever they needed to get her attention. Deidara in particular was aggrieved by Clari's inability to hear, and eventually gave up on having a conversation with her entirely, instead turning his attention to Kira or the TV.

Lunch came around swiftly, and after several minutes of shouts and charades did the Akatsuki get their point across to Clari that they were hungry. It quickly became apparent that her talent for cooking had not returned after Kisame had to put out another fire ("Clari, you were boiling water for the mac and cheese! How is that even possible?") so Kat made frozen pizza while Clari gloomily rattled off instructions, as Kat had never cooked before in her life. Though it was a tad burnt, it was still edible.

Soon afterward the storm took a brief recess, and Clari was able to remove her earbuds. She was walking past the door when the bell rang. Curious as to who would be visiting, she answered.

"Can I help - ?"

Clari didn't even have time to finish her question before a bulk of a woman in the expensive suit nudged past her, being extremely careful not to touch her or the wall. Clari made a face and closed the door; she had a feeling that she knew who this stiff character was.

"Aunt Margaret!" Kat said, quickly scrambling off the couch. "What are you doing here? You're not supposed to be here until - "

"5:00. Yes, I'm aware. I'm running early, so I hope you have your things packed." Aunt Margaret scanned the living room with distaste, looking as though she smelled something rotten. "This is where you've been living? How...interesting."

Clari narrowed her eyes.

Aunt Margaret spotted the Akatsuki and raised her eyebrows in alarm. "You've been living with all these men, too? What is this, some kind of - "

Clari cleared her throat. "Why don't you go wait outside while Kat gets her suitcases," she suggested coolly, gesturing towards the door.

"I think not, young..." Aunt Margaret paused, assessing Clari's attire. "..._lady_. I'll wait here. Don't take to long, Kathrine."

Twitching irritably, Clari went upstairs with Kat - she wasn't entirely sure if it was her haste to get Kat out of the house, or if she just wanted Aunt Margaret to go away. She grabbed a suitcase and hoisted it off the ground, nearly topping over at the weight. Kat took it from her and handed her a lighter one. "Sorry about her," she muttered, throwing a pink duffel bag over her shoulder. "You can see where I get my charm from, huh?"

"You were never _that_ bad," Clari replied.

Kat rolled her eyes. "I'll survive, somehow. She's just going to send me off to boarding school, so I won't have to live with her or anything."

"You'll do good at boarding school," Clari decided. "You'll boss everybody around just like before, and they'll follow you like good little minions."

"You and Jaye never followed me around," Kat said, smirking. "You know...I'm kind of glad I had someone to hate all these years. Someone who actually had the gall to tell me exactly what they thought of me. Everybody hated me, you know, but the only person _I_ actually hated was the one who took me in when I needed help. It's kind of sad."

"God," Clari groaned, "don't go all sappy on me now! I'm gonna gag!"

Kat laughed, then sighed. "I'll miss fighting with you, Clari."

"Yeah, me too."

The girls stood at the top of the stairs in silence for a moment, reminiscing on what their lives would be like now that they would not have each other to hate. Clari glanced at Kat and mentally kicked herself for what she was about to say, but knew that it wouldn't feel right if it wasn't put out there.

"Kat...your aunt seems like a bitch...so if you want to stay and live here, I'm sure Lily won't mind..."

"Psh! Are you kidding me?" Kat said, looking amused. "I can't wait to get out of here! Like I said, I'm going to boarding school as soon as I get to Canada, so it's not like I'll have to deal with her."

"Oh thank God," Clari said in relief. "I can live in peace with a clear conscience now. So get the hell out of my house, Mathews."

"With pleasure." Kat ceremoniously dropped her suitcases down the stairs as Lily had done the previous morning, grinning when her aunt cried out in surprise. "Living with you guys has given me a lot more annoying material to work with. I'm sure Aunt Margie won't want me in her house for long." The girls took the stairs two at a time, where Aunt Margaret was waiting for them at the bottom.

"Kathrine! What have these people been teaching you?"

"Come on, Margie, let's go," Kat said, ushering her aunt out the door.

"You know my name is Margaret, young lady! We are going to have a serious talk when we get to - "

"Yeah yeah, let's go. Hey, Clari, take good care of Kira for me. Bye, everybody! Don't miss me too much!" Kat gave one last salute to to the Akatsuki and followed her flustered aunt out the door, closing it with a firm click behind her. The living room was silent for a moment, then -

"FINALLY! MOTHER OF JASHIN, I THOUGHT SHE'D NEVER FUCKING LEAVE!"

"You didn't have to sleep in the same room with her," Zetsu said gloomily. "She talks in her sleep. Quite disturbing, really."

"She never got her ten bucks," Konan said happily.

"Actually, I saw her stealing it from the pockets of your robe the other day," said Kakuzu.

Konan patted her pockets and groaned, facepalming.

"You're a ninja, how did you not notice that...?" Pein inquired.

"You know, I didn't think Kat was all that bad." Everyone turned to incredulously to Kisame, who was looking thoughtful. He gave them a defensive glare. "Well, she was at first, but...after a while, she was a little bit easier to be around, wasn't she?"

There was a murmur of consent around the group, and most of the Akatsuki glanced nervously at Clari, expecting her to explode with rage at the shark-man's bold words. But Clari had already put in her earbuds and was deaf for the rest of the day.

oOoOoOoOo

Jaye didn't realize how big of a mistake it was to bring Tobi to her work until she walked into the dusty old shop and realized just how many expensive breakable items there were on display. Suddenly she could hear the smashing of tea sets on the hardwood floors and the image of a thousand shards of finely decorated china flashed before her eyes.

"Okay, Tobi," she said, stopping him before he could skip into the store like the reckless idiot he was. "I have three rules. If you can't obey then, you have to go back home, got it?"

Tobi nodded enthusiastically.

"Alright. Rule number one: Don't talk to any of the customers. Rule number two: Don't talk to me or my boss. And, last but not least, rule number three: Don't. Touch. Anything."

Tobi was noticeably less eager. "But Jaye-chan, that sounds boring to Tobi."

"You're the one who wanted to come," Jaye said with a shrug. She turned on her heel and walked towards the counter and the old-fashioned cash register that was waiting for her beside her boss. He was a kind old man that strangely reminded her of Santa Claus; not the pedophile-looking ones that worked at the mall, but the genuine jolly man with rosy cheeks and a round belly. Incidentally, Mr. Quimbly possessed both of those traits, as well as a thick white beard and gleaming wire-rimmed spectacles.

The little antique shop didn't get much business, but Jaye found that when she got bored she could simply amuse herself by taking inventory of the place. It was a jumble of junk, basically, but there were a few interesting finds here and there. Tobi seemed to be doing this same thing, only he was carefully keeping his hands folded behind his back as though physically restraining himself from laying a finger on anything. Jaye did feel a bit bad for him; maybe she'd let him get a little trinket after the day was over.

Mr. Quimbly wasn't one for conversation, so he slowly meandered his way up to his office, which also served as the place where he lived. It was a small area above the store with a kitchen, a living area, and a small bedroom. On cold winter days, Mr. Quimbly would make hot cocoa for her and any of the children that happened to pop into the store. Needless to say, they got more business during the winter.

The day passed slowly. Tobi made three rounds through the store before sitting himself beside Jaye and literally twiddling his thumbs. She sighed and began her own journey through the shop; she found that Mr. Quimbly often gave into his garage-saling habits on the weekends and purchased things he deemed valuable. After a quick walk-through, she made her way over to the books and ran her fingers across the spines, skimming the titles. Maybe she could read something until her shift was over.

Between a paperback copy of _Great Expectations _and a print of_ _The Unabridged Works of Edgar Allen Poe_, _she saw a new book with a rough leather covering and no title on the spine. Curious, she slide it out of its spot and looked at the cover, which was just as blank as the spine. When she finally got to the yellowing title page, the title was written across it in spidery black ink:

_Booke of Incantations and Recipes_

Underneath was a long list of names, most of them female, all of them vintage. Jaye wrinkled her nose in distaste as she read titles like Pennyweather Crum and Prudence Bordeaux. Tobi peered over her shoulder, his hot breath sliding unpleasantly down her neck. "What is that, Jaye-chan?"

"A spellbook," Jaye replied, tucking it under her arm. "I haven't seen it here before. C'mon, let's go ask Mr. Quimbly where he found it."

Completely abandoning her post at the cash register, Jaye climbed up the steps to Mr. Quimbly's office/apartment with Tobi at her heels and the book in her hands. The old man was lounging on his ratty sofa, sipping tea. He didn't look surprised to find Jaye; in fact, he smiled upon her arrival.

"Ah, I was wondering when you were going to find that," he said, looking at the book.

"What is it?" Jaye asked. Mr. Quimbly knew by now that 'what is it?' had several different meanings, this time 'when and where did you get it?'

"It's an interesting little spellbook I bought just a week or so ago from a tiny bookstore that was closing down in favor of a Subway," Mr. Quimbly explained, taking the book from Jaye's hands as she sat down in her customary place on the floor. He sighed regretfully, flipping through the ancient pages. "It's quite sad, really, that such a lovely place was being demolished because society can't function without a sandwich shop within a two-mile radius of another...oh, well. Anyway, I bought several books from the woman who owned the shop, but this one is by far the most intriguing. It doesn't date all the way back to the Salem witch trials, I'm afraid, but it is an extraordinary manuscript to have survived contact with the modern world for so long. _'Incantations and Recipes'_...the sheer imagination of the human mind is inspiring, don't you think?"

Jaye nodded. She'd stopped listening somewhere after 'It's quite sad, really' and was beginning to drift in and out of attention. As usual, Mr. Quimbly didn't notice.

"To think, they believed that incantations would have healing properties," he continued with a chuckle, handing Jaye the book. "Though I wouldn't doubt if some of the recipes would come in handy. If you're so interested in it, Jaye, you're welcome to have it. I don't think anyone will care for it. No vampires."

"Really?" Jaye said, blinking at the book. "Thanks, sir."

"You're quite welcome," Mr. Quimbly replied with a twinkle in his eye. He stroked his beard thoughtfully, assessing Jaye. "Perhaps you will find that magic isn't always the product of an avid imagination."

Jaye rolled her eyes. "Now you're just going bonkers on me. If you start calling me Edith again, I'm calling the doctor and you'll be high-tailing it to a retirement home."

"That only happened once," Mr. Quimbly defended. "A slip of the withered mind, that's all."

"Mmhmm," Jaye said, standing. "Well, I better get back to work. C'mon, Tobi."

They went back downstairs and Mr. Quimbly continued to sip his tea, working on the crossword puzzle in front of him. He shook his head as they departed, eyeing Tobi's vibrant mask. "Kids these days," he muttered. "I will never understand their fashion sense."

oOoOoOoOo

"I'm home!" Jaye barged into the house dripping-wet with Tobi, making her grand entrance as usual. The Akatsuki gave her a dismal salute, staring transfixed at the TV. Tobi skipped over to join them, sitting on the floor at Deidara's feet beside Kira. As Jaye looked around, she grinned. "This is the sweetest sight I've ever seen," she declared, flopping beside Clari.

"What?" Clari said, taking out an earbud.

"Kat is finally gone," Jaye sighed.

"Yeah, she left a few hours ago. Her aunt came and picked her up early," Clari explained. She pointed to the damp bundle in Jaye's lap. "What's that?"

"'Booke of Incantations and Recipes.'"

Clari raised an eyebrow. "So...a spellbook."

"Exactly."

"Why do you have a spellbook?"

"Why _don't_ you have a spellbook?"

Clari put her earbud back in. "Touche."

"Let Tobi see the spellbook, Jaye-chan! He didn't get to finish reading it!"

Jaye handed Tobi the spellbook, and he flipped it open to a random page and buried his nose in it. His shoulders slumped. "Jaye-chan, this looks confusing to Tobi."

Rolling her eyes, Jaye took the book and blinked in puzzlement. "Whoa, this is weird." She recited the strange, gutteral words under her breath, her brow furrowing.

Tobi let out a screech and leapt off the floor and onto the couch in surprise, right onto Deidara's lap. The blonde artist pushed him off, irritated, only to be bombarded by another body.

"What the hell - ?"

A girl fell to the floor, probably eleven or twelve, with big blue eyes and thick black curls. She had an oddly feline quality about her; in fact, at closer inspection they saw that she had two velvety black cat ears on the side of her head. She was also naked.

Everyone in the room gaped.

"Oh my God," Clari said. "She's so adorable!"

"Tobi just wants to give her a hug!"

"No!" the girl said, climbing back onto the couch and wrapping her delicate little arms around Deidara's neck. "The only man I will ever hug is Dei-Dei!"

"Get some clothes on, un!"

"Dei-Dei?" Clari said, amused.

"Where the fuck did she come from?" Jaye said, looking around as Clari draped a blanket over the neko girl. "Is there a trap door or something in here? Who are you, anyway?"

"Silly onee-chan," the girl giggled. "I'm Kira!"

The room was silent.

"...Jaye..." Clari began, having looked upon the place where Kira had been moments before to discover it vacated.

"I - I don't know what I did!" Jaye exclaimed, holding the spellbook gingerly away from her. "I mean - I didn't think that it'd actually do anything - magic doesn't exist!"

"We got here somehow, didn't we?" Pein pointed out.

"You guys got here through some confusing-ass space-time-continuum thing!" Jaye shrieked. "Not by magic!"

"Perhaps ninjutsu is, indeed, just magic..."

"It's not! It's energy, chakra, whatever you wanna call it! Magic doesn't exist!"

"But Jaye," Kakuzu interrupted, "didn't you think that we didn't exist before we got to your world?"

This inquiry cast another spell of silence through the room, while Jaye and Clari struggled to come up with an explanation that suited their closed minds.

The human Kira sighed. "Does it really _matter_ how I got here?" she said impatiently. "The important thing is that I can talk to you guys now, and when I become of age Dei-Dei can marry me!"

"Huh?"

"You're going to get me a twenty-four karat diamond, and our wedding is going to be on the beach," Kira rambled on in all seriousness. "I'm going to look stunning in a white princess gown, and you're going to wear a tuxedo. It's going to be magical...! Oh, and I want to go to Fiji for our honeymoon!"

"What the hell? I'm not gonna marry a twerp like - "

"My Queen!"

A tan man with black hair and wide, excited eyes came running down the stairs; he was also stark naked. This did not stop him from immediately tackling Jaye, much to her embarrassment and displeasure.

"My Honorable Queen Jayden, I know this must be your doing! First you grant me permission to keep my talking and flying abilities, even though I was just a puppy, and then you grant me knighthood, and now you've finally found a way to make me human so I can protect you to my full capacity!"

"Bear! Get - off - of - me!"

"Right! Terribly sorry, my Queen." Bear untangled himself from Jaye and stood up, shaking his head from side to side. Jaye squeezed her eyes shut, red up to her hairline along with Clari and Kira.

"Go get some clothes on!" she ordered.

"Oh!" the human Bear cried. He ran back upstairs, to retrieve appropriate garments. Clari dared to peek from the gap in between her fingers and sighed in relief. "He's gone."

Kira blinked away tears and sobbed into Deidara's shoulder, much to his bewilderment. "I'm so sorry, Dei-Dei! Please forgive me for seeing a penis before our wedding night! And it wasn't even yours! I'm no longer pure!"

"We're not getting married!" Deidara growled, attempting to pry Kira's arms from around his neck. "And where the hell did you learn the word 'penis'?"

Jaye suddenly gasped, shooting out of her seat. "I wonder if my fish turned into people too!"

"How far of a radius do you think the spell has?" Clari wondered, diving for the remote and flipping on the news. Luckily, she saw no emergency broadcast concerning animals morphing into humans. Bear and Jaye came back downstairs, the latter relatively disappointed that Sebastian, Shark Bait, and Pablo II were still in their aquatic forms. Bear handed Kira some of Clari's old clothes, which she changed into in favor of the blanket.

"I've never seen anything like it," Zetsu said, inspecting the two once-animals closely. Kira shrank from his penatrating stare and hugged Deidara's leg for protection.

"D'you think it's going to be permanent?" Clari inquired.

"Possibly. There's really no telling."

"I wanna stay like this!" Kira whined.

"So do I," Bear said.

Clari and Jaye glanced at each other. "What do you think Lily will say?"

Everyone half expected the phone to ring then, but it didn't. "I dunno, I haven't heard from Mom all day," Jaye said skeptically, peering at the missed calls, or lack thereof, on the phone.

"Hey!" Hidan said, pointing at Bear's buttocks. "You've still got a tail!"

The majority of the room curiously peeked at Bear's butt, where a stubby little shape was wagging back and forth behind the fabric of his jeans.

"Why were you looking?" Jaye asked suggestively.

"What - I - it just caught my attention!"

"Uh-huh. I'm sure it did."

"What's that supposed to mean, bitch?"

"Can we get back to the problem at hand, please?" Clari interrupted. "We just had two animals changed into humans by some mysterious spellbook that Jaye got at her work. I don't know about you guys, but that seems a little bit hinky."

Deidara raised his eyebrows. "Hinky?"

"Yes, hinky."

"Isn't that like - ?"

"No, you're thinking of 'kinky,'" Clari said, holding up a hand. "This is just 'hinky.' It means out of place, or wrong. Anyway, don't you guys agree?"

"I guess, but it's also super awesome!" Jaye exclaimed. "Think about it: I now have an actual knight under my service, and an adorable little neko! My life is now complete."

"No! I only belong to Dei-Dei!" Kira said.

"But I read the spell that turned you into a human," Jaye pointed out.

"I don't care! You're just my onee-chan! Dei-Dei is my soulmate."

"Onee-chan is good enough for me," Jaye said with a shrug. "I've always wanted an adorable little sister."

"Ignoring that comment," Clari said.

"I am not your soulmate, un," Deidara growled, grabbing the collar of Kira's t-shirt and forcefully moving her out of his personal bubble. Kira was not to be defeated; she ran right back and latched herself onto his legs.

"Shit! Stop, you little brat, I'm gonna fall!"

"Don't call me such mean things, Dei-Dei!"

"Let go! Argh!"

The audience watched as Deidara went down, taking an unsuspecting Clari with him. The three of them landed in a heap on the kitchen floor while the others laughed. Clari blew a strand of hair out of her eyes. "I think it's time for bed. We'll handle this tomorrow."

"I want to sleep in Dei-Dei's room tonight!" Kira proclaimed.

"Hell no!" Deidara objected. "And stop calling me that!"

"How about Dei-sama?"

"Better, un."

"Now can I sleep with you, Dei-sama?"

"No!"

"But whyyyy?" Kira cried, looking utterly miserable (and adorable). "Don't you love me at all, Dei-sama? What did I do wrong to make you not like me anymore?"

"What the hell - ?"

"Is it because I'm not a cat anymore? Do you have a fetish for cats?"

"'Fetish'? Where do you keep learning these words, un?"

Kira bowed her head. "I'm sorry I'm not a cat anymore, Dei-sama! I'll do everything I can to become a cat again, even if we can't get married! I just want you to love me and let me sleep with you!"

"C'mon, Kira, you don't want to sleep in his room," Clari interjected, patting the little neko on the head. "First of all he hogs the blankets, and you don't want your reputation to be ruined, right? You should save that magical night for your wedding."

Deidara gave Clari the most lethal glare he could. 'I hate you...' he mouthed.

Kira wiped her eyes and sniffed. Clari thought that this was a sign that she had gotten through to her, but Kira suddenly stood up and pushed Clari away from her. "Yeah, right, you just want him all for yourself! You whore!"

Then she ran up the stairs and slammed the door to someone's room, leaving Clari looking entirely shocked, Deidara triumphant, and the rest of the audience laughing hysterically.

"Where the hell did she learn the word 'whore'?" Clari cried.

"I'm guessing the same place she learned the words 'penis' and 'fetish,'" Deidara replied.

"Guys, you're forgetting who she lived with," Jaye put in.

"True," Clari said.

Kakuzu tapped his chin, contemplating something as the others migrated back into the living room to take care of the spellbook (which basically meant putting it on the high shelf so that Kira couldn't reach it).

"I wonder whose room she went into...?" he pondered.

oOoOoOoOo

Clari walked into her room later that night and was immediately attacked by 83 pounds of little girl.

"NEE-CHAN!" Kira sobbed while Clari struggled to breathe (the little neko was stronger than she looked, and she had her arms wrapped around Clari's neck). "I'm so sorry! I shouldn't have said those mean things to you, you've been so nice to me since I've come here, taking care of me and letting me sleep in your room when Dei-sama wouldn't let me! I know you care for my purity so that's the reason why you don't want me in there, because you're afraid that Dei-sama won't be able to resist my adorable charms! I do think he's got a little bit of pedophile in him, I mean, he is dating you and you're kind of lacking in the assets division" - she paused to take a deep breath - "but I've decided that that's okay with me for right now, and that I shouldn't hate you just because you have good taste in men. Besides, I'm not really old enough for it to be appropriate between me and Dei-sama yet, so you can have him until I turn sixteen. Then Dei-sama will be twenty-four, and it won't be _that_ big of a deal."

Kira finally let go, and Clari gasped for air. "K-Kira," she wheezed, "look, I don't think that Deidara really likes you like that - "

"Anyway, can I please sleep in here with you like usual?" Kira interrupted, ignoring Clari entirely. "I don't think I have anywhere else to go. Please?"

Clari sighed in defeat. "I guess."

"Yay! You're the best, nee-chan!" Kira promptly flopped onto the foot of the bed, curled up, and went to sleep.

Clari shook her head and changed into her pajamas, dragging the little neko to the top of the bed and placing the blanket over her. She turned off the light and climbed in too, closing her eyes and immediately falling to sleep after a very long day, anticipating an even longer one tomorrow.

* * *

><p><strong>I'm sorry! It took me a lot longer to write this than I originally intended - a grand total of two weeks! I'm sorry, please forgive me. *bows*<strong>

**But I think it picked up the story a little bit in the end, huh? Eh? *nudge***

**And I got rid of Kat! Yay!**

**Comments**


	13. the Smurfs and the Code

**Chapter Twelve: the Smurfs and the Code**

* * *

><p>Lily groggily opened her eyes and blinked, groaning when a pounding headache ripped through her skull. She squinted at the alarm clock; it was nearly noon. She threw an arm over her eyes and rolled over, willing herself to sink back into blissful sleep for a few more hours.<p>

She came face-to-face with two dark eyes.

"AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!" Lily screamed shrilly and scrambled out of bed, falling off of the side and clutching her head when an agonizing throb pulsed through it. She heard the bed creak and Itachi's face popped into view, his hair undone from its customary ponytail and sliding forward in a silky curtain.

"I don't suppose you remember anything from last night either," he deadpanned.

Lily gave him an absurd look, trying to ignore the blinding pain behind her eyes and the fact that Itachi wasn't wearing a shirt. "What are you - ?"

It was then that Lily finally noticed the ring on her left hand.

oOoOoOoOo

It became apparent the next morning that the humanoid Bear and Kira were going to be bigger problems than Clari and Jaye originally anticipated.

For one thing, it seemed like they weren't yet used to the idea that since they had human bodies, they had to do things the human way. They weren't used to wearing clothes, much less the concept of changing into different clothes every day; they had to take showers in the actual bathtub, not by the hose in the backyard or by grooming their own body; they had to eat at the table, with silver wear; and so on and so forth. Deidara and Jaye were the disignated teachers, considering the fact that their respective admirers didn't seem to want to be separated from them. Neither were particularly patient, so a lot of yelling and crying transpired over the duration of the morning. By the time noon rolled around, all the pain reliever in the medicine cabinet was gone.

"Dammit," Kisame muttered, massaging his temples. "Why can't they just shut up?"

"NEE-CHAAAAAAN!" Kira squealed, running down the stairs and into Clari's arms. "Dei-sama doesn't want me to bother him anymore! He hates me!"

"He doesn't hate you, he's just frustrated because you have a lot to learn about being human and he's kind of short tempered," Clari assured half-heartedly, trying to ignore her own headache.

"Kind of?" Hidan snorted.

Clari gave him a look. "Seriously, you don't really have any room to talk."

"Tobi likes to think that that's how Deidara-senpai shows affection, Kira-chan," Tobi input, petting her head. "Tobi knows that Deidara-senpai really likes Tobi, because he tries to blow Tobi up on a regular basis."

"...You're an idiot," Kira said after a long pause. She turned back to Clari, leaving Tobi shocked and hurt. "Please, nee-chan, can't you talk to him for me? He locked himself in his room."

"No, he's probably working on his sculptures."

Kira perked up. "I'll go help him!"

"Kira, he doesn't really like help - oh, there she goes."

"What d'you think the odds are of her surviving the blast?" Kakuzu inquired as they watched her hop up the stairs like a rabbit.

"I don't know, she seems fairly resilient. I'd say a 1 in 10," Pein said.

"That's cruel," Konan sighed. "Have a little more faith in Deidara's temper, please."

There was an abnormally loud bang from upstairs just as the words left her mouth. It wasn't an explosion kind of bang; it was the sound of something heavy falling to the floor.

"I think someone died," Zetsu remarked.

"It sounded like it came from Jaye's room," Clari said.

"What d'you think she and Bear have been doing up there?" Hidan inquired. "They've been locked up in her room all fucking morning."

Kakuzu raised an eyebrow. "Jealous?"

"What? Fuck no, bastard!"

Jaye came down the stairs, tossing a baseball into the air. "Bear and I are gonna go play some catch," she said, human-form Bear trotting down the stairs after her.

"_You're_ going to do a physical activity outside?" Clari asked, raising her eyebrows.

"I promised him I would if he cleaned my room, which he did. I'm surprised he still has energy to do much of anything, actually," she added with a suspicious look at Bear.

"Your room is actually _clean_?" Clari exclaimed, hopping off the couch. "This I've got to see."

She jogged up the stairs enthusiastically, while Jaye rolled her eyes. She paused and considered something, grinning at the Akatsuki with evil intent. "Anyone wanna come? You guys are supposed to be training today, anyway."

There was a unanimous groan as Pein snapped his fingers. "That's right! We are supposed to train today!"

"Bitch," Hidan muttered.

"You guys can come play catch with me and Bear instead," Jaye tempted, tossing the ball in the air again. "We'll go to the park and everything. It'll be fun."

Pein frowned. "I don't think that a simple game of catch is going to be sufficient training."

"Sure it is," Bear said. "Nobody said it was going to be simple."

"Yeah, and we need time to ease into training anyway," Kisame prompted.

"Tobi wants to play catch!"

"All in favor, say 'aye,'" Kakuzu suggested.

Pein shook his head as everyone gave a mighty "aye!" and he surrendered to a little more pestering. They rounded up Deidara, Clari, and Kira, who were all covered in ink from head to toe along with the majority of Deidara's and Tobi's room. After they washed themselves, Jaye grabbed the baseball and opened the front door.

Standing there, holding a squirming little boy by the scruff of his neck, was Ryan.

Everybody froze. Then they turned to Clari, who seemed to be in an equal state of shock.

"Ryan," she exclaimed, "what are you doing here?"

"I told you that we were leaving Wednesday for Dad's _American Idol_ audition, didn't I?" Ryan replied, frowning.

"I thought you meant _next_ Wednesday," Clari said, facepalming.

"You guys really need to get a calender or something," Kakuzu remarked.

"Oh, well, does that mean you can't do it?"

"Yes, we can," Clari sighed, giving Josh a look of utter disdain. "Come on in."

"Actually Mom's got the car running so I can't stay. Thanks so much, guys, I owe you big time!"

"Yeah you do!" Jaye called as Ryan retreated down the driveway. She gave Josh a glare, which he retorted by flipping her the bird. Bear grabbed Jaye before she could punch the kid in the face, and Clari held Josh back as he screamed profanities back at Jaye.

"Somebody go get the duct tape!" she ordered while Josh squirmed in her grip. "And a chair - ow! Dammit, he bit me!"

Josh leapt under the table as five people dove for him, crawling out as the table collapsed under the colossal weight of five grown men. He catapulted over the couch and dodged Konan and Pein, who rammed into each other. He bolted up the stairs, agilely avoiding Jaye, Deidara, and Bear in sequence and sending them all snowballing down the incline. Finally he jumped over Kira, who had curled up in the fetal position at the head of the stairs, and disappeared into Jaye's room, locking the door behind him.

"I can't believe a little boy just defeated the entire Akatsuki," Pein groaned, rubbing his jaw where it had made contact with Konan's head.

"Don't beat yourself up about it, he's diabolical," Clari said.

"That little shit!" Jaye growled, untangling herself from Deidara and Bear. "He went into my room! He's gonna trash it, and I just cleaned it too!"

"Actually, I cleaned it," Bear put in.

Jaye's face became ashen. "Holy fucking shit, he's in my room. Clari, he's in my room!"

"It's not that big of a deal, the worst he can do is dig through your underwear drawer," Clari said, nursing the bleeding bite mark on her arm.

"No, Clari, you don't understand," Jaye said, grabbing her cousin by the shoulders. "The spellbook is in my room."

There was a moment of horror-struck silence.

"Jaye..." Clari said, a vein pulsing in her head, "why would you leave the spellbook unattended in your room? Why was it in your room in the first place?"

"I was just flipping through it to see, you know, what was in it - "

" - And you left it in your room for anyone to read?"

"Well, I didn't think that we would be getting a visitor today, Little Miss Can't-Keep-A-Schedule-To-Save-Her-Life!" Jaye cried. "All of us here already knew it was dangerous, so I didn't think that even on the off chance that somebody broke into my room without permission they would read it!"

"Josh doesn't know it works, so maybe we're in the clear," Pein said diplomatically. "Why would he bother with some dusty old book?"

Just as the words left his mouth, they all experienced an identical tingling feeling in their midsections. Bear and Kira glanced at each other. "Uh-oh," they said.

And the room began to grow.

oOoOoOoOo

"ITACHI, WE DON'T HAVE ANY FREAKING TIME! OUR FLIGHT LEAVES IN TWENTY MINUTES!"

"Excuse me for wanting a nutritional breakfast," Itachi retorted, making his way back to Lily from the breakfast buffet at the hotel. "Besides, I thought I'd bring you some coffee for your headache."

"Thanks," Lily muttered begrudgingly, taking the warm beverage from his hand and marching out into the busy Las Vegas street. "We need to hurry up and get a taxi, or else we won't make it to the airport in time. TAXI!"

"You do a lot of yelling for someone who complains about being hung over," Itachi observed.

"I don't have time!" Lily exclaimed. "I told Jaye I'd be back today, and Clari has her art thing tomorrow. Also, the anniversary of Emi's death is the day after tomorrow and I definitely will not miss that. TAXI!"

"What art thing?"

"She didn't tell me about it, but her art instructor is one of my clients at the bank," Lily explained. "He said that one of her paintings got put on display in a museum along with a few of his other students, and the exhibit is opening tomorrow. I'm sure that Clari, being naturally insecure about her art, didn't bother to tell anybody. So I was planning on surprising her tomorrow and taking everybody to the museum to see it. TAXI!"

"The taxis are the yellow ones, correct?"

"Yes, but none of them want to - hey, Itachi! What are you doing? You're going to get yourself killed!"

Itachi had stepped into traffic right into the path of a taxicab, which had screeched to a halt just in the nick of time. The cab driver stuck his head out the window, shouting obscenities at the indifferent Akatsuki member. Itachi strolled by and peered into the back of the taxi without taking in a word of the cabby's rampage.

"You don't have anyone in the back seat," Itachi pointed out.

"Yeah, so what?"

"My friend and I would like to ride in your vehicle."

"And I would like to be the governor of Nevada," the cab driver said in a stereotypical snarly way, "but that doesn't mean I can just step into morning traffic to get what I want."

"No, that would definitely accomplish nothing in your scenario," Itachi replied. "Except maybe death. However, it's obvious that in this case stepping into traffic was the right thing to do - you stopped, and now you are going to deliver my friend and me to the airport within the next ten minutes."

"Are you being serious?" the cab driver shrieked.

"Entirely," Itachi deadpanned.

Lily popped into view, holding out a wad of cash. "We'll pay you double."

"Hop in."

oOoOoOoOo

"What the fuck just happened?" Hidan shrieked, looking down at himself and the rest of the group that had assembled in the living room. Everything in said living room was ten times its normal size. "The room grew!"

"Actually, I believe we've shrunk," Zetsu put in.

"It's the spellbook," Bear interrupted. "The kid must have found it and read a spell. Kira and I had that exact same feeling before we became human."

"This is just great," Konan said sarcastically. "That kid has wreaked havoc upon us, and he doesn't even know it yet! What should we do if he comes out here and finds out that we're three inches tall?"

"I'd say Clari's more around two and a half," Jaye said, earning a glare from her short(er) cousin.

"That's not the point," Pein remarked. "We need to get the book back before he realizes that he has any power over us, or before he realizes that the book actually works."

"Pein's right. Let's go!"

The raced towards the stairs, but came to an abrupt halt when they realized that one stair was at least twice their height. There were nine stairs in all.

"Shit! How are we supposed to get all the way up there?" Kisame cried.

"I got this," Deidara said, feeling for his clay. Then he realized that he wasn't in uniform and did not have his clay on him for once. He hung his head in shame. "Never mind."

"It's okay, Dei-sama, you tried your best," Kira comforted.

"Fail," Kakuzu proclaimed.

"I can still fly, you know," Bear put in. Everyone looked at him in bewilderment, as they'd mistakenly believed that his powers Itachi had accidentally bestowed upon him as a dog had gone away during the transition.

"Really? Then what are you waiting for? Go up there before he reads another spell!" Jaye ordered.

Bear bowed. "Yes, my Queen."

The others watched in amazement as he levitated a few inches in the air, landing lithely on the top of the first stair. "I'm not strong enough to turn the knob, so I'll have to bring a few of you with me," he said. "One of you grab my hand."

Just as Kisame was reaching for Bear's hand, they all once again felt that peculiar sensation in the pit of their stomachs. "Mother - " Hidan began, but the transformation had already subsided before he was able to finish his curse. Instead of the desired angry tone, the second half came out in a deep, melodic note.

They stared as he covered his mouth with both hands, looking scandalized.

"What the fuck was thaaat?" Jaye sang, blanching a few moments later and sealing her own lips shut in mortification.

"I guess that Josh read another spell," Konan belted out in sweet saprano. "And now we have to sing, though none of us sing well."

No one dared comment.

Bear finally sighed in exasperation, and even that sounded musical. "Come on, come on, let's just get this over with!"

"You sound like a boy band," Jaye chuckled.

"And you sound like an opera singer," Clari rapped. She clapped her mouth shut and turned seven shades of red as the others nearly died with laughter.

"Ho-holy crap!" Deidara sang. "You rapped!"

Clari scowled and turned redder, wishing to give a snarky comeback concerning his newly acquired country twang, but settled with flipping him the bird for fear of being ridiculed again.

Bear pulled Kisame and Pein up and flew to the second step, silently continuing the routine until he got to the fifth step. Then he paused and the others did too, feeling the tingly sensation in their midsections.

A few seconds later, all the females were males and all the males were females.

"Hidan, cover that up!" Jaye cried, shielding her eyes as Hidan scrambled to cover up his newly acquired breasts. She (or he) jumped when she realized how deep her voice had gotten and that she had some new parts and some parts missing.

Kakuzu tossed his flowing black hair and put a hand on his hip. "It's not like you haven't seen it with your own eyes, so stop acting all surprised," he (she?) snapped in a Britney Spears-esque voice, rolling his (her?) green eyes.

"But he's not a him anymore!"

"My hair is so pretty," Hidan sang softly, mesmerized by his (her) silver waterfall of hair that flowed down his (her) back.

Tobi gripped his (her) own breasts, his (her - oh, well, you get the point) voice coming out in a childish lullaby form. "Tobi has boobies, wow! He needs a bra now!"

"Stop that, Tobi! It's disgusting!" Clari demanded. Her long hair was now short and spikey, and she looked a little less delicate, though she still made a girly boy and the others still laughed when she rapped.

"Dei-sama, Dei-sama," Kira, now an adorable neko boy, chirped in tune that sounded uncannily similar to _Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star. _"You don't look new. Did the spell not work on you?"

"Shut up, it did, un!" Deidara screeched, though the only evidence of his change in gender was his new girlish voice and the two sorry protrusions coming from the chest of his shirt.

"I still love you, Dei-sama!"

Clari and Deidara assessed each other. "This is an interesting turn of events," Clari rapped. "I'm peeved that you're still taller than me, though."

"They better, oh they better hurry up," Konan sang through gritted teeth, her voice a deep alto. "Or I might have to beat their sorry butts."

"How's it going up there?" Zetsu called sweetly, brushing away the flowers that clung to his plant-appendage.

"We're screwed," Pein replied back in a charming melody, peering into his pants to check and confirm that he was, indeed, a girl now. "We were affected too."

Kisame assessed his curvy frame, grinning. "Maaan, I'm sexy!"

"Just hurry up, up, up," Bear huffed, blowing a long dark curl out of his face. "We need to get back, oooh get baa-ack, before he reads anymore."

"Sound like Christina Aguilera, Bear!" Clari teased.

"And you sound like Eminem."

Bear, Kisame, and Pein trekked two more stairs before Bear and Kira gasped and clutched their stomachs. Then they began to grow, their bones to reshape, fur to sprout from their skin. Standing before the three-inch-tall people were two fully grown animals.

"What the - ?" The crowd dodged as Kira swiped at them with her giant black paw, her blue eyes bright and playful. Kakuzu shrieked when the cat's tail nearly squashed him.

"Kira must have the mentality of a cat like before!" Clari observed, diving out of the way before Kira could step on her. The black cat crouched and brought her ears back, her tail swishing back and forth.

"She's gonna pounce!"

The group scattered in different directions as Kira (predictably) leapt for Deidara, who gave a shrill scream before scrambling underneath the sofa. Kira peered under and pawed at the gap, but Deidara was safely out of reach. The others slyly took shelter before Kira found another target.

"Hurry up, Bear!" Jaye ordered from her station behind a lamp.

Kisame and Pein screamed in harmony, and Bear came shooting down the stairs, barking. Jaye groaned. Bear had returned to his animal mental state like Kira. He couldn't talk, or fly, or comprehend anything other than the average commands.

"Hey! Are you two okay?" she called as Bear chased Kira in circles around the room, causing massive destruction.

"A little slobbery, but that won't bother me," Pein sang.

"We'll have to stop. We can't get to the top," Kisame pointed out.

"We have to try, or we're all gonna die."

Kisame hoisted Pein on his shoulders, allowing him to climb to the next stair. Pein reached down and pulled him up, then they repeated the method until they were at the top. They heard a crash downstairs, and a hiss. Jaye screamed up at them again.

"Guys, hurry up and climb higher! I'm turning a shade of sapphire!"

Pein looked down at his hands and saw that they were turning blue, just like Jaye had described. Kisame looked at his skin too before realizing he was naturally blue. "Figures," he muttered.

Pein and Kisame raced to the door to Jaye's room, diving in the crack between the door and the floor. They ducked behind the leg of the bed, where Josh was flipping through the spellbook, chugging a can of soda that Jaye had evidently stashed somewhere in her room. He flipped the page.

"We're in, but how are we gonna get the book?" Kisame whispered. "We're three inches tall, take a good look!"

Pein considered it. "We're so weird, Josh won't know what to do. We'll just jump out at him and make up a story; he won't have a clue!" He ran out to the middle of the floor and waved his arms up and down. "Josh! Hey, kid!"

Josh glanced at him over the book and screamed, pointing at Pein. "Smurf! It's a smurf!"

Pein raised his eyebrows at Kisame, as if to say, _See?_

"Yes, I'm a smurf," he yelled. "And you have my magic spellbook in your hand! I need it so I can get back to Smurf Land!"

Josh raised an eyebrow at the book. "You mean this thing's actually a real spellbook? Cool!" He grinned devilishly. "Just think of all the fun I could have with it..."

"Wait! Don't you want to help me?"

"Ha!" Josh laughed. "That's funny!"

"Great, we're gonna be hit by another curse!" Kisame exclaimed. "You just made a bad situation worse!"

"But you guys are magic too, right?" Josh continued, glancing at them with a spark in his eye. "Two real-life smurfs...you would probably be worth a lot of money..."

Pein and Kisame glanced at each other. "Run!" They scurried toward the door while Josh scrambled after them, the spellbook clutched in his hands. They dove under the door and ducked as Josh swung it open, looking for them.

Bear shot out of nowhere and tackled him to the ground, licking his face. Josh cried out, trying to get the gigantic dog off of him to no avail. "Get off me, stupid mutt! I gotta go get the smurfs!"

"Quick, try and get the spellbook!" Pein ordered, racing over to the flailing boy. He grabbed the cover of the book and heaved. Kisame joined him, but Josh would not let go. Frustrated, Kisame leapt onto his hand and clamped his teeth down on a finger. Josh let out a curse that would've made Jaye proud and finally let it go. Together, Kisame and Pein dragged it out of his reach.

"Now...what?" Kisame wheezed.

"We look...for a spell...to change us back..." Pein gasped, grabbing one end of the cover. "On the count of three...we lift. Ready? One...two...three..."

They laboriously flipped through the book, doing their best to interpret the old English. Eventually they came across a page near the back that said "Reversial Chante."

"This has got to be it," Kisame said, resting his small blue hands on the yellowing paper. "Let's hurry up and read it so we can beat that little twit."

Pein recited the small verse, and he returned to his normal palor. Grinning, Kisame read it again; Bear became a very dazed human.

"Hold him down!" Kisame ordered as Pein read the paragraph again. Bear blinked and pinned a struggling Josh back down. He had stopped resisting, as he was being held down by Naked-Woman Bear.

Pein finished the third line and that changed; he sighed with relief when he was finally a man once more. Josh screeched and started to squirm. "Get off me, you pervert! Change her back, change her back!"

The fourth time the paragraph as read, Kisame let out a whoop. He'd never been a good singer.

And finally, the spell was read a fifth time and they began to grow, until they were their normal size. Josh's eyes widened and he gulped.

Pein and Kisame shared an evil grin.

oOoOoOoOo

Lily and Itachi sat beside each other on the plane in awkward silence, trying not to look at the other. Lily glanced down at her left hand and wiggled her fingers, watching the cheap plastic diamond sparkle in the light. She glanced over at Itachi, and noted that he, too, had a ring; his Akatsuki ring, which was in its usual place on his right hand. Lily gave a sigh of relief. If they'd been married, the ring would be on his left ring finger.

"I switched it," Itachi said, as if reading her thoughts.

Lily facepalmed.

"I've been gathering information about our night last night, and I think I've come up with a scenario that fits all the clues," Itachi continued. "Judging by your hang over and the fact that we don't remember anything, I think it's safe to say we got drunk."

"Duh."

"Then we embarked on a series of escapades, one of which involved a tattoo parlor if the pain in my lower back is any indication."

"You got a tattoo? I don't think I did," Lily said, patting her own lower back. "Let me see."

"Later," Itachi dismissed. "Then, our mutual sexual attraction drove us to - "

"Whoa, whoa, whoa," Lily interrupted. "Mutual sexual attraction? Where's your evidence to back that up?"

Itachi gave her a look. "Honestly, there's no reason to deny it now. We went to Vegas and woke up in the same bed, half-naked, and, if the evidence is right, legally married. If that doesn't scream 'drunken confession of mutual sexual attraction,' then I don't know what does."

"Fine, smartass. Go on."

"Our mutual sexual attraction drove us to divulge in a series of heated intimate situations, and you found the experience so incredible that you begged for us to get married."

"Now you're just being a douche," Lily observed dryly.

"We purchased you a wedding ring and eloped, then went back to the hotel to...celebrate. That's where the story ends, as far as the evidence goes."

"Pretty sketchy evidence, if you ask me."

Itachi ignored her. "I suppose our next plan of action is to get the marriage annulled."

"Why?" Lily asked, blinking.

"What do you mean, 'why?'" Itachi said. "We are not in love, and neither of us benefit financially from the marriage. It seems logical that we should get it annulled."

Lily shrugged. "It's just a lot of paperwork, if you ask me. I don't have any plans to get remarried any time soon, and it's not like anybody really knows you, I mean, dude, you're from a different universe. It's more trouble to annul it now than to just let it be."

"But what about Jaye and Clari?"

"What about them? No one said they have to know," Lily said. She twisted the ring off of her finger. "You know how it goes, Itachi: what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas."

And she tossed the ring over her shoulder, not looking back to see where it landed.

oOoOoOoOo

Everyone was back to their normal states, including Kira and Bear, which was good considering the fact that Kira was two seconds from devouring a miniature blue Tobi.

When Pein, Kisame, and Bear came back downstairs to see how everyone was fairing, they had just succeeded in pulling Deidara out from under the couch (it was a bit of a tighter squeeze when he was full-sized). They gathered around the trio, each outraged by the duress their biological makeups had been put under. Jaye, perhaps, was the most livid.

"Where is he?" she shrieked, elbowing her way through the crowd. "Where's that snot-nosed bastard? I'm gonna cut off his hand and gouge his own eyes out with it, so he'll never be able to read another spell again!"

"Don't worry, we've already administered punishment," Pein assured.

Clari gasped. "You didn't kill him, did you?"

"I wish," Kisame muttered.

"No, we didn't." Pein took out something behind his back; it was the spellbook, held horizontally. On the cover he'd balanced a jar, in which was a tiny being. At closer inspection, the group saw that it was Josh banging on the side of the glass, demanding to be let out.

"How did you get the spell to focus on just one person?" Clari inquired, tilting her head as Josh made a series of crude gestures she'd never seen before.

"According to the directions, saying one's name will focus the spell," Pein explained. "Otherwise it will administer it to anyone within a specific radius. Of course there are exceptions, like Kira and Bear."

"I'm so sorry, Dei-sama! I didn't mean to try and gobble you up!"

"Just get off me, un!"

"What are we supposed to do with it?" Kakuzu asked, gesturing to Josh.

"Keep him like this until Ryan gets here, I guess," Clari answered. "If we let him out it might cause more pandemonium, which is the last thing we need." She looked around at the house as she said this, taking in the utter catastrophe it had become. Between Josh's initial escape, the multitude of spells they'd undergone, and Kira's glomping Deidara, the entire house had become a total wreck.

"Shit!" Jaye cried, following Clari's gaze. "Mom comes home today!"

Akatsuki and teenage girl alike jumped when the door burst open, as if on cue. They all turned, half expecting Lily and Itachi to arrive to the worst house they'd encountered so far, but instead they just saw Ryan looking around in disbelief.

"What...happened...?" she squeaked, all prior amusement gone from her face.

"Nothing major," Clari assured. "So, how did your dad's _American Idol_ audition go?"

Ryan perked up again. "Horribly! He came out of the room crying. Apparently they couldn't stop laughing to tell him what they thought of his voice. I told him that's what would happen if he sang Britney Spears, but he didn't listen."

"Damn," Jaye said, fishing money out of her pocket to hand to Clari. "I thought they'd have to drag him out in the fetal position. I mean, imagine what traumatizing things the judges could have said if he'd finished singing 'Hit Me Baby One More Time.'"

"I still can't believe he chose that song," Clari said wryly.

"Whatever. At least I don't have to listen to him rehearse anymore, and his dreams of being a popstar are officially demolished," Ryan said with some relief. "Anyway, where's my brother? You guys are probably ready to rip his throat out by now."

Pein held out the jar.

Ryan stared.

"It's a long story," Clari said. "But we can change him back, if you want."

"Or not," Jaye added.

"Are you kidding me?" Ryan said, laughing. "No way, man, keep him like that! I don't know how you managed it, but it's gonna make life easier for everybody." She took the jar with her brother in it and made sure the lid was firmly clasped. "Thanks guys. I'll see you later."

"Bye, Ryan." Jaye all gave Josh an evil grin. "Bye, shithead."

Ryan waved and left, closing the front door behind her. Once again, everyone was overwhelmed by the sheer amount of cleaning up there was to do. Clari sighed. "I guess we better get started," she initiated, reading everyone's mind.

For the second time in the course of ten minutes, the door was wrenched open. This time, it was Lily's singsong voice that coursed through the house. "I'm hooooo-ooome!"

She froze in the doorway, her eyes growing wide as she took in the destruction of her house and the two new visitors she had. Even Itachi looked a little surprised.

"What the hell happened to my house?" she screeched once she had gotten her speech back. She gestured wildly to Kira and Bear. "Who are they? What's going on?"

Jaye put a hand on her mother's shoulder. "I think that's best left for tomorrow. Including all the cleaning. That's a tomorrow thing, too."

"NO! You are going to clean everything while you tell me exactly what happened!"

So everyone grabbed a cleaning aid and took turns telling Lily and Itachi all about their week, including the spellbook and Kira's and Bear's transformation and their babysitting bout. It was nearly midnight by the time they were done with the cleaning. Jaye flopped down on the newly fluffed couch, too exhausted to move.

"So how was Vegas, Mom?"

Itachi and Lily glanced at each other. Jaye didn't notice; her eyes were closed. But the others noticed and that, in turn, inspired an onslaught of glances and eyebrow-raises galore.

"Fine," Lily answered finally. "Meeting was very informative, and the drink was good. I didn't win anything at the casino, but I did almost get arrested for bringing my sword with me to the airport. Oh, and Itachi got a tattoo."

"WHAT?" the entirety of the house screamed, gaping at the slightly irritated-looking Uchiha.

"Where?"

"Why?"

"When?"

"What were you smoking?"

"What is it? Let us see!"

Itachi gave a disgruntled sigh. "I don't know why, I don't know when, I have no idea what influences I was under, and I have no idea what it is. As for the location, it is my lower back."

Clari fell into a fit of giggles. "Itachi got a tramp stamp!"

"Itachi finally let himself go!" Kisame said, slapping his knee. "C'mon, let us see!"

"Absolutely not."

"Why not?" Jaye asked suggestively.

Itachi scowled - or at least came close to it. "I haven't even seen it yet, so I'm certainly not going to let you all lay eyes upon it."

"As Akatsuki leader I demand that you show me," Pein said. "It's my job to know any identifying marks my subordinates might have."

Itachi let out a breath and turned around so they were looking at his back. He yanked up his shirt, revealing the slightly swollen and red tattoo. Everyone's jaw dropped.

His tramp stamp was a single word, made up of large, ornate letters and accompanied by the corresponding flower.

The word was "Lily."

"Itachi! Put down your - oh my God - " Lily buried her face in her hands, turning as red as a tomato. Itachi twisted to get a look at it, but was unable to lay eyes upon it.

"Why? What is it?"

"Mom! What did you two _do_?" Jaye guffawed, struggling to breathe.

"Nothing! I'm going to bed!"

Itachi was becoming frustrated. "Will someone tell me what it is?"

"It's Lily's name," Kisame wheezed, wiping sweat off his brow. Itachi's eyebrows went up and, if they looked hard enough, they could see a pink flush slowing making its way up his neck. He put down his shirt, sulking.

"I'm going to bed, too," he muttered before departing.

Clari turned to Jaye as soon as he left. "How much you wanna bet they got drunk and got hitched?" she said in a rush, recalling the previous glance they'd shared when Jaye asked them about Vegas.

Jaye looked skeptical. "I dunno, I think that might be going a little far..."

"Itachi got a tattoo, Jaye. I finally believe that anything is possible."

"As if the magical spellbook weren't enough proof?"

"Fifty bucks they got married and aren't telling us," Clari said, holding out a hand.

Jaye grinned and spit in hers, shaking Clari's hand. "Deal."

Clari wrinkled her nose and wiped her hand on her jeans, then migrated upstairs to go to bed herself. The others followed suit, still snickering about Itachi's tattoo, fully prepared to give him hell for it tomorrow.

* * *

><p><strong>It's been almost a month since I last updated! Oh, how the time flies!<strong>

**I know this chapter is really really really overdue, but I didn't realize how long it was taking me to get it done until just a few days ago. Also, I've been studying for midterms.**

**Yeah...the old midterms excuse...whatcha gonna do about it?**

**Anyway, I think this is one of the best chapters I've produced, though far-fetched. In my opinion, it just makes it all the more funny. Who wants a boring ol' _plausible _story? I mean really, that's so last year.**

**As always, tell me your thoughts.**


	14. Sculptorists and Bad Mojo

**Chapter Thirteen: Sculptorists and Bad Mojo**

* * *

><p>Itachi was ridiculed all the next day for his tattoo. By now everyone had momentarily forgotten the humor of the content or the sheer possibility of the Uchiha getting body art of any sort, and moved on to the cruel entertainment that resulted from poking him in the back. As it was, prodding and jabbing at the tattoo caused Itachi severe, lingering pain, which everyone found amusing. They even made a game to see who could poke it the hardest and cause Itachi the most discomfort. Needless to say, Itachi spent most of his day planted on the couch.<p>

Lily didn't have to go to work for the next couple days, as she was still supposed to be in Las Vegas. She'd had it all planned out from the beginning: go to the most important meeting, spend the evening drinking, pretend to be sick and fly back, allowing her assistant to do the rest of the work. If she'd factored in what absurd things might have happened while she was drunk, it would have been a foolproof plan. Maybe.

The Akatsuki didn't give Lily nearly as much grief about what they'd officially dubbed 'the Vegas Incident' as they did Itachi. Frankly, Lily was an unpredictable person by nature; these kinds of things didn't come as much of a shock as they did when someone as disciplined and steadfast as Itachi committed the acts. This, plus the fact that she inexplicably struck fear into the hearts of the Akatsuki, influenced their decision to spend the duration of their time tormenting her partner in crime.

That did nothing to stop Clari and Jaye. They supplied enough ridicule to make up for the Akatsuki's slack, no matter what kind of methods Lily used to dissuade them. Forty dollars was on the line.

Clari was stumped on how she was to prove that the Vegas Incident had resulted in holy matrimony. She'd tried her trusty fallback option for every question (Google), but the results were inconclusive. She laid on her bed with her sketchpad in hand but ignored, staring at the ceiling, thinking of a way to wretch the truth out of her aunt or Itachi.

"NEE-CHAN!" Kira burst into the room, looking as adorable as ever. Lily said that, while she did prefer pets to people, she would allow Kira and Bear to remain in their human forms. As it turned out, _the Booke of Incantations and Recipes _was an Itishi family heirloom.

"See her, Harriet Bloom? She was actually the one who married Houza Itishi and brought Japanese into our family," Lily explained. "Her parents were originally English."

"So...you're telling me that our ancestors were witches?" Jaye said.

"I guess so."

Hidan snorted. "More like bitches, if you're any example."

Jaye slapped the back of his head sharply, tsking. "Don't talk about my family like that, bastard! Not only is it bad mojo, but it's disrespectful!"

A quarrell ensued, one of the most passionate yet. The book lay, forgotten, on a shelf in the living room. Clari doubted that anyone had bothered to pick it up since then, for fear of accidentally casting a spell on someone.

She let Kira drag her out of bed and down the stairs, where some of the others were waiting. "What's going on?" she inquired, as Kira hadn't explained anything.

"We're going on a little fieldtrip," Lily said.

"Where?"

"It's a surprise. Everybody's going."

"We're not going to Vegas to get your marriage annulled, are we?" Clari asked slyly.

Lily ignored her. "C'mon everybody, let's goooo!"

They all piled into the car and were on their way to...somewhere. Fifteen minutes later, they were pulling into the local art museum. Clari's eyes widened. "What are we doing here?"

"I thought I'd treat everybody to a little bit of local culture," Lily said, giving Clari a wink. Clari scowled. _Lily knows I have something on display, _she thought bitterly_. _I don't know how she knows, but she knows. How does she know? __

They were greeted by a guy playing solitaire on his computer. He told them just to walk around, don't touch anything, the usual. Clari nervously shuffled her feet as Deidara enthusiastically pulled everyone toward the sculptures. Lily followed, probably supposing that they'd make their way to the temporary display of young students' artwork.

Clari loved the art museum. The more historical pieces were constantly on display, locked up in their glass cases and treated with the utmost care, but there was always a more modern temporary display so you could always see something different. Biggs's work, no doubt. He sister did donate over half of the funding for the construction of the museum.

She found the coil of anxiety in the pit of her stomach slowly unwinding as she walked through the familiar corridors, taking in the multitude of techniques and personalities of each masterpiece. Since it was sanctuary for local art, there weren't any particularly well-known artists, but Clari thought that made the place even more interesting. She knew some of the artists personally.

"Biggs did this one," Clari pointed out to Deidara, gesturing to the large canvas covered with loud splashes of acrylic. Deidara came over and shook his head.

"Definitely seems like his style."

"Look, look, it's Kisame-san!" Tobi said, pointing to a detailed shark in colored pencil. Kisame made a face as the others laughed.

"Haha, very funny."

"Well," Lily put in exuberantly, stepping grandly toward an oil painting of lane of twisting trees aflame with autumn leaves, "I think this one is just brilliant, don't you guys?"

"Eh, it's okay, un," Deidara said, scrutinizing it like a cynical critic. "The technique isn't developed, and it's not very clean. In some places it almost looks like a fingerpainting."

"Um, Deidara - "

"The paint got muddy at the bottom too. Looks like they rushed. Probably to get it in the display."

"Deidara, you should probably - "

"I hate people like that, un," he continued, undeterred. "You shouldn't rush a masterpiece just to get it on display, you know? If it's that good, you'll be able to find some other way to let other people see it. Otherwise you're just desperate for attention, and your art is suffering for it."

He stopped talking and looked around, frowning at the uncomfortable faces of his comrades. Lily gaped at him, completely unreserved. He blinked. "What?"

"A simple 'I don't like it' would have sufficed," Clari hissed, her face seven shades of angry red. She turned on her heel and stormed away, leaving the others in solemn silence.

"What?" Deidara asked again, baffled.

"Idiot," Jaye muttered. "Look a the damn name."

Deidara peered at the plaque. " 'Autumn Street, oil on canvas, Claribel Sazu' - oh. Shit."

"Yeah," Jaye snapped. "Claribel Sazume is the artist, douchebag." She went after her cousin, glancing back to shoot Deidara a dirty look.

"Well, you can't blame me for sharing my opinion, un," Deidara sniffed defensively. "It shouldn't change just because I know who painted it."

"No, but I think you could have censored your opinion. Just a little bit," Lily sighed. "Damn, I was hoping this would be a good idea."

"It was," Pein assured, giving Deidara a look that sent chills down the blonde artist's spine. "If only my little terrorist here didn't open his big mouth."

"My little terrorist?" Kakuzu snorted.

"I don't think I did anything wrong," Deidara retorted. "It's not my fault she's sensitive and can't take constructive criticism, un."

"You called it a fingerpainting," Bear deadpanned.

"And then basically said that you hated artists like her," Kisame said.

"Doesn't sound like constructive criticism to me," Konan said. "More like a mauling."

"That's my opinion, and I won't apologize for it, un," Deidara insisted, crossing his arms stubbornly. "I don't see why everybody's ganging up on me. I'm not the bad guy, here. I just stated my thoughts on the painting, she's the one who overreacted and stomped away."

"Whatever," Lily said. "You guys go ahead to the car, I'll go round up the girls."

They nodded and awkwardly starting migrating in that direction. Deidara heaved a frustrated sigh and turned to Kira. "You agree with me, right?"

"Of course!" Kira said, starry-eyed. "If Dei-sama says it's awful, it must be awful, right?"

"Well, I never said - "

"Kira hates nee-chan's painting, too!"

"_Hate_ is a strong word - "

But Kira was already skipping away, leaving Deidara completely exasperated.

oOoOoOoOo

Jaye didn't have any trouble finding her cousin. They'd visited the art museum so many times over the years that she knew exactly where the sulking artist would be: curled up against the wall under her favorite watercolor, a bundle of dreamy, colorful flowers in a glass vase. She sighed and plopped down beside Clari, who gazed solemnly at nothing.

"C'mon, don't mind your idiot boyfriend, Clari," Jaye began, stretching her long legs across the tile floor. "He's just being a jerk. Your painting was awesome."

"Thanks," Clari said, standing up. "I'm not mad at anybody, though. He gave his opinion, and he had a right to. I just wish he would've been a little bit nicer about it," she added crossly.

"Well, I thought it was cool," Jaye continued. "Those sculptorists, they think they know everything, don't they?"

Clari raised an eyebrow. "Sculptorists?"

"Don't judge me."

They ran into Lily on their way back. She informed them that the others were piling into the car as they spoke, ready to go home. "You can sit up front with me, Clari, so you don't have to deal with Deidara's obvious bad taste in art," she said. "I'm sorry I brought them, this was supposed to be a fun little adventure."

"I'm not mad," Clari insisted.

"But your feelings are hurt."

"Yeah, a little. But I have no right to be upset just because someone doesn't like my painting. Everybody has different tastes, and Deidara just happens to be more perfectionist and less Impressionist." Clari sighed. "I'm glad that you guys liked it, though."

"Whatever," Lily growled. "It's just because he a sculptor. I'd like to see him paint something like you did."

Jaye cleared her throat. "Um, Mom, I believe you mean 'sculptorist.'"

Lily had no words. She just shook her head while Clari giggled.

Jaye looked back and forth between them. "What?"

The others were impatiently waiting for them outside the car. They gave Lily dirty looks. "You forgot to unlock it," Pein snapped.

"Oops."

Kira skipped over to Clari. "Sorry, nee-chan, but I have to go against you this time. You may be my older sister, but you're also my rival in love, and Dei-sama is my princely blonde lover. So I have to stand by him this time. I hate your painting too."

"He told you that he _hates_ it?" Clari exclaimed, astounded. He might have pointed out some flaws, but she didn't think that he'd directly asserted that he hated it; though he had said he'd hated people who rushed to get it on display, which was exactly what she'd done. That'd stung a little.

"Yes, Dei-sama said it was awful."

"He _what_?"

"And he said that he was right, and that he shouldn't have to apologize because you're sensitive and can't take constructive criticism. And I agree. I'm sorry, nee-chan."

"_I_ can't take constructive criticism? _I'm_ sensitive?" Clari said, her face flushed with anger. "He's the one who gets all offended when I make a helpful suggestion about his sculptures! He calls my painting awful and he thinks _I'm_ sensitive because my feelings were a little bit hurt?"

"Um...yes?" Kira squeaked, missing the fact that these were all rhetorical questions.

"Well, you can tell him that he's a hypocritical son of a - " Jaye clapped a hand over Clari's before she could start on a proper rampage, saving Kira's innocent(ish) ears.

"Kira, go get in the car. And don't repeat any of that," she ordered. Kira nodded and obliged, skipping toward the Beast. Jaye turned to Clari, who was seething. Tentatively, she dropped her hand. "What happened?"

"Apparently my painting is awful and Deidara absolutely hates it with all his guts, _and_ I'm sensitive and can't take constructive criticism," Clari ranted, waving her arms around flamboyantly. Jaye had to dodge them to avoid being slapped.

"I take it you're mad now?"

"Yes, I'm mad now!"

Jaye considered this. "Usually I'm the angry, yelling one, and you're the chipper one who calms me down somehow." She paused. "How the tables have turned."

Clari shook her head, marching to the car and climbing into the front beside Lily. She didn't say a single word to anybody the entire ride home.

oOoOoOoOo

Hidan would never understand the silent treatment.

First of all, it wasn't even a punishment. When he was mad at somebody, he didn't _want_ to talk to them, so the silent treatment was more of a gift than a deprivation. Sometimes he wished Jaye or Kakuzu would give him the silent treatment so he could rest his yelling voice.

Second of all, the silent treatment didn't get anything done. How was sulking in the corner without telling anybody your problem going to solve anything? It didn't make any sense to him: when something was wrong, you did everything in your power to fix it. When you were right, you screamed at the other person until you convinced them you were. That's how you got your point across.

Well, whatever. It wasn't any of his business if Deidara and Clari didn't know how to have a proper argument.

They sat in opposite corners of the room, both looking as though they had a stick shoved up their ass. The others were visibly uncomfortable with the tension; even Hidan had to admit that you could cut it with a knife. Both of the artists refused to leave, promptly explaining in formal, clipped tones to each other that they had every right to sit their ass on the couch and do as they pleased with their family/criminal organization. Neither seemed willing to retreat up to their room and ignore the other there.

Hidan thought art was a stupid thing to fight about. So what, Deidara critiqued Clari's painting? Sure, he could've been nicer about it, but he was just giving his opinion. And Clari had every right to stomp away, even though he thought it was a coward's move. It _was_ her first public display, after all, and Deidara had trashed it like nobody's business.

Not everybody could be as fair and rational as he was, but _really_. This whole thing was just completely blown out of proportion.

Clari reached over and grabbed her iPod, primly putting in the earbuds and turning up the angry music so loud that everybody in the room could hear the violent lyrics. Deidara glared her way, but she was pointedly staring at the TV even though there was no way in hell she could have understood what was going on. He ground his teeth and let out a long breath through his nose. "I'm going upstairs to sculpt," he said. Clari shot them a scowl that could freeze hell over as he left.

"Can Tobi come?"

"NO!"

And Deidara slammed the door.

"This is stupid," Hidan said immediately, glancing at Clari. She did not register anything. She had her music up so loud that she couldn't hear a word they were saying.

"Agreed," Jaye said. "Deidara is being an inconsiderate bastard. Everybody agrees that Clari's painting was awesome, and that it deserved to be in the display."

"But we're not artists, so how are we supposed to adequately judge the worth of a painting?" Kakuzu said. "Besides, Deidara has every right to express his opinion."

"Yeah!" Kira chirped.

"Deidara-senpai is the only artist out of all of us, besides Clari-chan," Tobi put in, twiddling this thumbs nervously.

"Clari's painting was beautiful, and Deidara is being completely unreasonable," Konan said. "He should apologize for ruining her big moment like that. She was already insecure about showing it."

"That's what I said!" Lily agreed.

"I dunno, compared to that shark done in colored pencil, Clari's thing did look like a fingerpainting," Kisame said.

"That's because they're different styles, idiot! You just like the shark because you feel akin to it," Jaye snapped. "We all agree that Deidara was being a total douchebag."

"No, Dei-sama was just giving nee-chan advice!"

"He trashed her painting without any regard for her feelings!"

"That's despicable behavior towards a woman," Pein put in.

"You're only on her side because she's your daughter," Kakuzu observed.

"I'm your superior. Don't talk to me like that."

"But it's true."

"This is stupid!" Hidan repeated. "You guys are fighting over a canvas slathered with paint! Am I the only one who thinks that's ridiculous?"

Jaye snorted. "You've fought over less."

"Like when?"

"Like now," Itachi said, pointing out Hidan's defensive posture.

"Who asked you!"

"You did."

"Besides, it's not the painting. It's the fact that Deidara should apologize for hurting Clari's feelings," Lily said.

"No, Clari should stop being mad because Deidara doesn't praise everything she does," Kisame said.

Clari abruptly stopped her music and took out her earbuds, standing up. "I'm going upstairs so you guys won't have to censor your conversation," she remarked dryly, leaving the party completely astounded.

"How the fuck did she hear all that?"

oOoOoOoOo

Neither Deidara nor Clari came downstairs for dinner, but it didn't matter. Their little feud had progressed into an all-out war for the others, with Lily, Jaye, Pein, Konan, and Bear (more by association than anything else) all fervently demanding that Deidara apologize, while Kira, Kakuzu, Kisame, and Tobi all supporting Deidara's side. Zetsu wavered between the two sides depending on his mood, and Itachi was strictly neutral on the entire ordeal. Hidan declared the argument unworthy of his participation and considered himself neutral as well.

The dinner table was split accordingly, with Team Clari on one side, Team Deidara on the other, Hidan and Itachi separating them (at that particular moment, Zetsu dined with Team Deidara).

Although the couple in question were handling the situation in bitter silence, their supporters were anything but. Hidan and Itachi were in the eye of a hurricane of yelling, which quickly escalated to a battle of food and forks. Hidan ducked under the table to avoid the projectile silver wear. Itachi joined him soon thereafter, the left half of his face covered in mashed potato.

"This is crazy!" Hidan called over the others' yelling.

"They seem quite enthralled," Itachi agreed. "I'm surprised that you're not expressing your take on the situation, Hidan. Usually you have no trouble voicing your opinion."

Hidan decided to let that one slide. "Art is fucking stupid. It's not worth my breath."

He jumped when he heard a thwack and a body hit the floor. All activity came to a stop. Hidan scrambled out of the table to see who'd died.

"Holy. Fucking. Shit."

Pein was splayed out on the kitchen floor, seemingly unconscious. Jaye gazed at him in pure horror, the thick leatherbound spellbook in her hands.

Hidan threw up his own hands. "Everybody saw that, right? It wasn't me!"

"He's not very observant for a ninja," Lily observed.

"I didn't mean to hit him!" Jaye exclaimed, dropping the book. "I was aiming for Kakuzu!"

"Hey!"

Zetsu sighed and came over, inspecting Pein's head. "Doesn't seem to be a concussion. Let's leave him and see what happens. It is a magic book, after all."

"What, you think that just because it's magic something weird's going to happen?"

Pein suddenly groaned and sat up, rubbing the back of his head where Jaye thwacked him. He looked around in confusion, blinking at the nervous crowd gathered around him. "What are you all staring at?" he inquired, his eyebrows settling into a customary Leader frown. "Why am I on the kitchen floor?"

"How much do you remember?" Zetsu asked quizzically.

"What kind of question is that?" Pein stood up and brushed off his clothes. "I remember everything, now. Including the fact that you have been taking advantage of my amnesia and slacking off on your training."

The Akatsuki glanced at the floor, guilty as charged and bummed about it. Zetsu drilled Pein with a series of questions pertaining to his past, and by his responses it seemed that they had their Leader back. Which, considering the fact they'd done little to nothing over the past few weeks, wasn't necessarily a good thing.

"I guess this means that you guys are going home now, huh?" Jaye muttered, pushing around some potatoes with the tip of her boot.

Pein deliberated for a moment. "No, we'll wait until after tomorrow. I think we should all visit Emi's grave, don't you?"

"The grave!" Lily shrieked. "I almost forgot! I have to make lunch for tomorrow! Everybody, you're officially banished from the kitchen. Be gone!"

She hit them with asparagus until they herded into the living room, dragging food along with them. Jaye wrinkled her nose. "This is disgusting. I'm getting a shower."

"Not if I get their first, bitch!"

"Hey! Get back here, bastard, I called dibs!"

Kisame grinned. "Why don't you just take one together?"

That earned him two very violent (nonmagical) slaps upside the head. "It was worth it," he proclaimed, but he swore that his vision was slightly off for the next month.

* * *

><p><strong>Close to the end, guys! Pein's got his memories back now, so after the Emi chapter the story will most likely be coming to a close. There's still much to be answered, though: Will Deidara and Clari resolve their differences? How will Clari prove that Itachi and Lily are legally married? What dramatic (or humorous) epiphanies will occur at Emi's grave? Tune in next time for the answers!<strong>


	15. Bizarre Looks and Strange Encounters

**Chapter Fourteen: Bizarre Looks and Strange Encounters**

* * *

><p>The cemetery was a small one, an acre or two of rolling hills scattered with a motley of ancient and new headstones. The sparse groups of visitors paying their respects wore black despite the August heat, silent in the still serenity of holy ground.<p>

One man frowned and paused in his prayer, squinting down the road for the source of the thunderous rumble that was disturbing the peace. His wife and his father noticed it too, a continuous echo on the horizon.

Suddenly a great red truck and a wheezing green minivan came over the arching hill and popped into view, speeding down the delicate dirt path that led to the entrance of the cemetery. They gaped as the truck screeched to an abrupt halt just before it ran into the sprawling oak that provided most of the shade, and watched a several men climbed out, all dressed in brilliant, electric blue. The van stopped beside the truck and several others poured out, dressed in the same whimsical hue.

One tall woman with short black hair marched over to entrance and peered at the sign, then turned to the others and shook her head. There was a unanimous groan and the party clamored back into the vehicles. The woman climbed into the driver's seat of the green minivan and started it up once, twice, three times before it roared to life and they sped down the dirt road and out of sight.

One of the party emerged from the trees, looking quite relieved until he realized that his comrades had left him behind. He bounced around and panicked, waving his hands in front of the peculiar orange mask covering his face. They watched as he ran down the dirt road, shrieking and waving his arms in the air.

"What - ?" the man began, but his wife shushed him.

"I think it's better just not to ask," she said.

oOoOoOoOo

"Mom! I can't believe you forgot which cemetery we buried Emi and Jacob!" Jaye reprimanded, shooting Lily a look of pure disbelief. "We visit the grave every damn year!"

"Tobi can't believe you forgot him at the last place!" Tobi squeaked.

"I have a good feeling about this one," Lily replied, her eyes intent on the road as she swerved to avoid an oncoming vehicle.

"Of course you do! It's the last fucking cemetery in the county!"

"Hey, you don't remember either, and you drove us last year!" Lily retorted. "It's not my fault all the cemeteries look the exact same!"

Jaye had no words to combat her mother's valid argument, so she said nothing.

Clari followed them in the truck. She said she didn't remember the name of the cemetery either, and she'd never driven there (she'd only gotten her license last year). Due to the spaciousness of the Beast, Jaye and Lily towed most of the Akatsuki. They had Tobi, who had originally been riding with Clari before she forgot him at the last place, Hidan, Kakuzu, Kisame, Kira, Bear, and, sulking in the back, Deidara. He'd refused to ride with Clari, who protested just as furiously. Itachi went in Deidara's place, along with Pein, Konan, and Zetsu.

They pulled up to the cemetery which, now that Jaye saw it, did look strikingly familiar to the last two. However, there was no doubt that this was the sight of Emi's grave. She was buried beside her husband and Lily's brother, Jacob.

Once again they hopped out of the Beast, looking quite strange with their electric blue garb (Emi's favorite color). They never, not once in their lives, wore black to a cemetery or funeral. It was always the decease's favorite color: electric blue for Emi, orange for Jacob, and bright crimson for Jaye's father.

Needless to say, they always got weird looks when they went to visit their lost loved ones.

Not that they noticed or cared. The Itishi/Sazume family were used to strange looks, and were inevitably impervious to the insecurities that arose from such judgmental behavior. The Akatsuki, well...at this point, they were about as oblivious of the way they were perceived as the girls were.

So, despite the eye-rolls and the head-shakes of their fellow grave-visitors, the Akatsuki and Co. clamored out of their vehicles for the third time that day and made their way into the cemetery.

It didn't take long for them to find it.

Two smooth, round headstones made of polished granite, set side-by-side in their little plot of land. Emi Sazume Itishi, loving mother and wife, and Jacob Patrick Itishi, loving brother and husband. The group gathered around the two solitary objects silently, their heads lowered in respect. Even Hidan felt a sense of sobriety as he gazed upon what was left of Emi and Jacob. He remembered Emi, a passionate, fiery creature of the Rain Village, where she did everything she could to help the sick and poverty's she saw there. Because at one point in time, that child who ran a muck in the streets to survive more than anything, was her.

Jacob seemed like a good enough guy, that one time he'd met the Akatsuki. He was kind and gentle, and obviously loved Emi and Clari.

The Akatsuki glanced at the girls as one, where they stood staring solemnly at the two headstones. Clari lost a mother on this day, Jaye an aunt, and Lily a sister-in-law. The Akatsuki were familiar with death. They didn't show it, but they knew how much it hurt. In all honesty, death was what brought most of them to the organization in the first place.

Jaye stepped forward with the slightly crushed bouquet of red and white roses she'd been carrying for quite some time and set them down between the graves. She bowed her head and closed her eyes, a rare sign of respect. Hidan tentatively followed her lead, bowing his head to the graves, as did the other Akatsuki.

Lily heaved a great sigh and swept her hand across her eyes. With a start, the Akatsuki realized that she was actually crying. "I'm...I'm gonna go get the other stuff," she sniffed, trying to hide her tears in vain. "You guys stay here."

She went back to the truck, probably to retrieve the mysterious basket that she'd brought along with them. Jaye shifted her weight sporadically, uncomfortable with the heavy silence and with the stupid skirt her mother had forced her into. She smoothed the creases with her hands, assuring that the breeze would not encourage any perverted remarks. "Do you guys have anything to say?" she asked, more to break the silence than anything else.

"Not right now," Pein replied. "Let's go help Lily with whatever she's up to."

Everyone turned and headed back to the cars, where Lily had spread a cliche checkered tablecloth across a picnic table and weighed it down with tons of sandwiches, bowls of fruit, mac-and-cheese, potato chips, and whatnot. The Akatsuki gaped at the feast while the girls sat down as if this kind of thing was entirely normal.

"You're eating lunch?" Kisame said, bewildered. "At a cemetery?"

"Yeah, why not?" Jaye snapped. "We do this every year. Just go with it."

So they shrugged and sat down too.

oOoOoOoOo

Jaye sat in front of the graves on her knees, staring at the two identical headstones. She smoothed her godforsaken skirt over her knees, biting her lip. This was always the weirdest part of these visits.

"Hey, Aunt Emi. Uncle Jacob." She paused, waiting for a response but knowing she would never receive one. Clearing her throat, she continued. "It's August thirteenth again. We've got some visitors with us this time. The Akatsuki, can you believe it? Yeah, we met them last year around this time. Today, actually, I think. They've visited once or twice since then. Things around here are even crazier with them. Well, you know how they are, I'm sure.

"Emi, we actually found out that Pein is Clari's dad. DNA testing or whatever," she added. "Anyway, you wouldn't really guess with how they act. He's not exactly the ideal father figure, but he's okay. He scares the crap out of her boyfriend, so I guess that's good. Clari's dating Deidara - or, I think they're still going out. They're fighting right now, so there's no telling at this point. You know how they are about art."

Jaye leaned back on her hands and sighed. "Hope you guys are doing okay up there, wherever you are. Try not to laugh too hard when you check up on us, okay?"

oOoOoOoOo

"You wouldn't believe it," Lily began, as if talking to two dead people was the most natural thing in the world. "Things have changed a lot. Why didn't you ever tell me about the Akatsuki? It would've been a nice warning. They're good people though, so it's okay. I'm actually technically married to Itachi...don't ask, it's a long story. I went to Vegas and...well, it's kind of a blur. Don't judge me.

"Clari and Jaye are doing good. I'm doing my best to raise them right, but I'm not sure how good of a job I'm doing. At least they're not afraid to be themselves. Though they are falling for a couple of hardened criminals. I'm sure Jaye already told you all about it. I guess I'm not really one to talk.

"I miss you both so much," she whispered. "Jacob, you were my only brother. And Emi, you were my best friend. You two were perfect for each other, you really were. I just...I wish you two were still here. It's not fair that you died. A world without you is a little bit dimmer." She paused and swatted at her eyes again. "Stupid allergies. You know I think I'm allergic to tombstones, my eyes water up every time...every time we visit." She stopped and let out a breath. "Tell Gran and Gramps I said hi. And any advice for the girls would be welcome. I'm just kind of making things up as I go along. You know, I'm still not a grown up yet myself. I just hope I'm doing you guys some justice."

She turned and walked back to the table where the others were fooling around.

"Damn allergies," she sniffed.

oOoOoOoOo

Konan placed the bouquet of paper roses next to the ones the Jaye brought. "Don't worry," she said. "The paper will dissolve in the rain, so there won't be any debris on your graves." Bad way to start, she thought, biting her lip.

"Well, I've never...really done this before...I don't know what to say. I do miss you a lot, Emi. It was nice having another girl to talk to in the Akatsuki, even if we didn't always get along. It really was a shock when we found out you died. Clari, she's a lot like you."

"She is."

Konan jumped and wheeled around to see Pein, looking rather ridiculous in blue. It wasn't his color. He stepped forward and stared down at the grave. "Clari is remarkably like you. I'm not sure if you would've wanted this, but she's part of the Akatsuki now. Jaye and Lily too. They are our one and only weakness as an organization, but we will do everything we can to protect them. We already have. They're worth it, just like you were."

"We're so sorry things turned out the way they did," Konan added, looking at her feet. "But I think that in the end, things worked out for the best. You had Clari, and you met Jacob, and because of that we're able to stand here and thank you for giving us the time you did."

"And thank you for the girls," Pein finished, bowing his head. "Without you, we never would have met them."

oOoOoOoOo

"I don't believe in this crap!" Hidan established, glaring down at the graves accusingly. "Just so we're clear. This is just a formality, I don't believe that you can hear me or anything!"

"Now that Hidan's completely ruined the whole point of this," Kakuzu said, "we've just come by to say hello, Emi. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of your amazing mathematical skills. You truly were - "

"Seriously!" Hidan interrupted, gaping at his partner. "You're complimenting her on how well she could fucking count? That's all you got to say?"

"At least I'm not swearing at a gravesight!"

"What's wrong with that?"

"It's bad! This is holy ground! It's like swearing in a church!"

"It doesn't matter! I'm not Christian, fucking dumbass!"

Kakuzu closed his eyes and counted to ten. "As you can see, Hidan and I fight just like we used to. That, at least, hasn't changed."

"Yeah, he's still as stingy as he used to be," Hidan muttered.

"And he's still as annoying," Kakuzu said.

They stood there in awkward silence for a moment. Hidan sighed. "She was pretty cool. I'm kind of sorry she's dead. You know she wouldn't be if - "

"You finish that sentence off with 'if she believed in Jashin,' I might kill you."

"Can't, bastard, I'm immortal." But he didn't finish his sentence anyway, even as they turned back and walked away from the graves.

oOoOoOoOo

Itachi had figured that out of all the Akatsuki, except possibly for Pein, talking to Emi would be the hardest for Kisame. They had been good friends back in the old days; it was mainly out of respect for his partner that he agreed to send her to this world.

So it didn't surprise him when the blue man spent a long time at her grave, probably silently reminiscing about the times they'd had. Once or twice he thought he heard his booming laughter, but it might have been his imagination. Then again, everyone was getting all emotional today. Lily returned from the grave with eyes red and puffy, crying in an uncharacteristic way. He'd expected Clari to cry the most, but she'd done nothing but sit silently at the picnic table. She hadn't even gone to talk to her mother, yet.

He saw Kisame get up and turn, walking back the the picnic table. If Itachi wanted to go talk to Emi, now would be his time.

But Itachi, much like Tobi and Zetsu before him, he didn't feel like there was anything to say.

oOoOoOoOo

Deidara knew as he stood in front of Emi's grave that he couldn't be mad at Clari anymore.

He'd planned to say something, anything, but the words got caught in his throat. They felt like lies, forced out of his mouth because of simple courtesy. Anything he said would be meaningless they kept up this stupid fight. But Deidara wasn't any good at apologies.

"Look, I'm sorry I made Clari mad," he blurted out. It was easier apologizing to an inanimate object than it was to the person whom he'd actually committed the wrong. "I'm not going to say I'm sorry for what I said, but I'm sorry I came across the way I did, un. So please, just let me say what I want to without feeling like crap for it later, okay?"

The grave didn't respond, but Deidara felt his tongue start to work again. A sign. "I know it may not seem like it now, but I really like Clari, un." He stuffed his hands in his pockets, rocking back on his heels. This was stupid. So freaking stupid. He shouldn't have to tell anyone how he felt, especially not a slab of fancy rock.

Deidara sighed, and came up on his toes. Yeah, he did.

"You don't mind, do you? I know it's kinda weird, probably especially for you, but...well, that shouldn't matter if she's happy, right? Not that she's really happy with me right now..." He pressed his palms into his eyesockets, feeling the small indentions where his mouths were. "This is not going how I thought it would at all, un. This is pointless."

He turned and took a step away, then froze and glanced back at the grave. "I'm sorry," he said again, though he wasn't sure what he was apologizing for. "I'll do better next time, un."

As an afterthought he took some spare clay from his pouch and dropped it in his mouth, making a bird. He released it and it flew over to the grave, where it perched atop of Konan's bouquet.

oOoOoOoOo

Clari had been putting off her moment to speak for as long as possible. She wasn't sure if it was because she thought that maybe she wouldn't have to talk at all if it was late enough. That was a foolish plan though, considering they'd been at the cemetery for a good two hours and Lily still insisted that she talk to her mother.

She sat down in front of the grave, running her fingers through the cool grass. "So," she sighed. "Where to begin? It's been a year since I last talked to you. A lot's happened. I'm sure you know about most of it already, considering we brought the Akatsuki with us today. They're great. I love all of them. I wish they could stay here in this world all the time like you, but they have duties in the Naruto world.

"I'm doing good with my art," she continued. "I got something in the museum. Almost everybody said they liked it...of course, the person who hates it is the one who I was hoping would like it the most. I think you'd like it, though. It's a very tranquil piece. Maybe I'll paint something for you next time. I see that Deidara and Konan both made you something."

Clari ran her fingers through her hair, which was dyed electric blue for the occasion. "Lily's taking good care of me, but I still wish you were here sometimes. You and Jacob. I remember having fun when you two were here. Everything after Jacob died is gray." Her vision blurred. "I wish I could've been enough for you to stay and be happy on Earth. I'm glad you're happy now though, where ever you are. Sometimes I get mad at you for leaving me here, but don't take it to heart, okay? I know I'm not alone. I've got Jaye and Lily and the Akatsuki with me here, so you don't have to worry too much." She laughed a little bit, wiping her eyes. "Then again, most of those people are wanted criminals, so maybe you should worry."

The grave was silent and unresponsive. Clari felt a lump form in her throat. "I still miss you," she sobbed, unwanted tears dripping out of her eyes. "All the time. I still want you here with me when there's a thunderstorm, even though I'm probably too old to be scared of thunder now. Deidara helps a lot, when he's not mad at me. Kira does too, but it's not the same. Lily's a good parent, but...sometimes I just want _you."_

"Shit!" she swore abruptly, wiping her eyes with her sleeves frustratedly. "I hate it when I cry!"

"At least you'll admit you're crying," said a voice behind her. "Lily keeps blaming it on allergies."

Clari whipped around, her eyes wide and surprised, her heart hammering. There was no one but Deidara behind her. He looked startled when she turned, holding his hands up in the air. "Whoa, sorry to interrupt, un. I was just letting you know that Lily's ready to go."

"Was there a lady behind me?" Clari inquired, looking this way and that as she got off the ground.

"No..."

"Oh. I thought I heard...never mind. I'm ready to go." She froze when she caught Deidara shuffling his feet, looking nervous. She sighed and put her hands on her hips. "I'm willing to let it go if you do. I think we were both a little bit in the wrong."

"Yeah," Deidara agreed. He was willing to apologize, but not first. Just letting it go seemed like the best and least messy option, anyway.

"Good," Clari said, taking his hand. "Let's go home now."

She couldn't resist looking back at the grave as they left, frowning when she thought she saw the faint outline of a person standing behind the headstone. When she blinked, it had disappeared. Clari supposed that, like the mysterious female voice that sounded hauntingly like Emi's, it must have been her imagination.

* * *

><p><strong>Emi the Friendly Ghost! <strong>

**Next chapter is the last one, I'm afraid. This chapter was probably the most emotional I've wrote in a while...which is why it kind of sucks. I tried to make it kind of like little mini-chapters in one, giving everbody a change to "talk" with Emi. Tell me how I did? :D**


	16. Epilogue: Random Arbitration

**So, this is the last and final chapter of the entire series. Like, seriously guys, the last chapter ever. _I AM NOT WRITING A FOURTH_. There wasn't even supposed to be a third; this is the product of a lot of spare time and a lot of requests. I'm sorry it's ending, but I think it was a good ride. I certainly had fun with it, and I hope you did too. And just because I'm done with this series doesn't mean I'm done with the Akatsuki. I might have something in store for them later...we'll just have to see.**

**I'd like to give a gigantic thank you to everybody who reviewed, favorited, or even just read this series. If not for you guys, this whole adventure would've stopped at "Ghosts of the Past" and that wouldn't have been nearly as fun. You all inspired me to write "Highway to Hell" and encouraged me to write "An Arbitrary Akatsuki Adventure" and I'm so glad you did. So thank you, sincerely, from the bottom of my heart.**

**And a huge thank you to my best friend, Wolf Girl Jaye, who was the basis for the character Jayden Itishi, the source of most of my ideas for this series, and is probably going to be very upset that I'm officially bringing it to an end.**

**Also, before you read this, you should know that the YouTube video "Hidan meets a dinosaur" is real and is the creation of Silverknux1991. Just for future reference.**

**So, now that we're done with my last (and ridiculously long) author's note, I'd like to present you with THE LAST EVER EPILOGUE OF THIS SERIES EVER!**

* * *

><p><strong>Epilogue: Random Arbitration<strong>

* * *

><p>It didn't take long for the Akatsuki to pack, despite the girls' best efforts to entice them into procrastination. However, that didn't mean the day was limited to the dull process of packing. It was a motley of odd, jumbled experiences, starting with Kisame's color change.<p>

Jaye thought it would be funny to prank Hidan, just as a little parting gift, so she grabbed _The Booke of Incantations and Spells_ and read off something about a change of hue. Kisame walked in just as she was finishing off the spell to ask her if she wanted a peanutbutter and jelly sandwich. When Jaye looked up, he was hot pink.

"What are you staring at?" Kisame asked, touching his cheek self-consciously as she gaped at him. "Do I have something on my face...?"

"N-no..." Just then he noticed his color, interrupted her.

"WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO TO ME?" he screeched, staring wildly at his magenta hands. Jaye rapidly began flipping through the book for a counter spell.

"Shit shit shit..." she uttered, frowning at the intense Latin scrawl. "I don't know how to read this!"

"What do you mean? Turn me back! I'd rather be blue than pink!"

"I can't read it! I'm sorry! Maybe...maybe Mom can, c'mon!"

"No fucking way! I'm not gonna let everybody see me like this!"

"Ugh, fine," Jaye said, rolling her eyes. She took the book downstairs and asked for her mother's assistance, quickly explaining the situation. As soon as the other Akatsuki members heard of their colleague's predicament, they rushed upstairs to see it with their own eyes. "C'mon, Kisame, come out and let us see!" they chanted, banging on the door.

The shark-man vehemently refused.

"Sorry, Jaye," Lily said hopelessly. "I don't understand this either."

Jaye groaned in exasperation. She went upstairs to tell Kisame.

"I'M GONNA KILL YOU!" he declared, barging from the room and grasping Jaye's neck.

They separated the two of them after a brief tussle, Kisame huffing angrily and clenching his fists while Jaye clasped her throat. "I can't believe you tried to kill me!" Jaye wheezed, held back by Hidan.

"I'm pink!" Kisame countered, struggling against Zetsu.

"In his defense, he did give you fair warning," Kakuzu pointed out.

"Shut up, bastard!"

"What are we going to do?" Pein inquired. "Kisame sticks out enough as it is, but now that he's pink..."

"Perhaps if we burn the book, all of the spells will be undone," Itachi suggested. "Also, it will keep anything like this from happening again."

And so they did, ritually and not without ceremony, set fire to _The Booke of Incantations and Spells_. It went up in a shower of flames in every color imaginable and a harmony of ethereal whispers that left them chilled to the bone.

"Beautiful, un..." Deidara said, starry-eyed. The others mutely nodded in agreement.

"Yeah, I'm blue again!" Kisame cheered, slowly fading back to his old shade. He hugged himself contently. "I will never be unappreciative of my skin color ever again."

When they got back inside, Bear was sitting on the couch in dog form, his clothes hanging off of him loosely. "What did you do?" he asked as Kira hopped off the couch too, shedding her own apparel.

"Uh," Lily appraised, scooping Kira off the ground and petting her behind the ears. "Burning the book released all the magic."

"Why can Bear still talk?" Jaye asked.

"Because I did that, not the book," said Itachi.

Clari chuckled. "Ryan and her mom are in for a surprise when Josh busts out of that jar."

Jaye was kind of glad that Bear was back to dog form, and that Kira was no longer an annoying (albeit, freaking adorable) neko. However, she was rather disappointed that she wouldn't be able to use magic anymore. But there was no need to worry; she had an abundance of other methods for irritating Hidan.

oOoOoOoOo

The next odd happening began with this request: "Itachi, can you reach this?"

Itachi had just happened to be walking past Lily's room, where she was perilously balancing on a shoebox that had just caved in, trying to reach her camera on the top shelf.

"Why do you need that?" Itachi inquired.

"Because, I want to take pictures of you guys before you go," she answered, sticking out her tongue as she jumped up on her tiptoes and wiggled her fingers in front of the camera. "I almost...got it..."

"There's no need, Leader won't allow it," Itachi said. "You can't have any photographic evidence of us."

Lily stopped and gave him a look. "Itachi, you're the main antagonists of one of the most popular anime/manga franchises in the world. I don't think a few photos that will probably never get developed will hurt you. Now, please, help me get the camera."

Itachi sighed and took her place, reaching for the camera. He frowned and stood on his toes, then did a little undignified hop. "I...can't reach it," he admitted.

"Oh, I forgot. We're the same height," Lily said, frowning in thought. She snapped her fingers. "I know! Maybe if I get up on your shoulders!"

"No, I don't think - "

"C'mon, it's not like you're going to drop me." Lily positioned herself behind Itachi, placing two bracing hands on his shoulders. "Okay, ready?"

"I honestly don't - Lily!"

He toppled forward as Lily attempted to jump up on his back, the sudden weight sending him off balance. He managed to catch himself on the wall at last moment.

"It's not like I'm that heavy," Lily remarked dryly. "Hold me still."

"I am."

"No, grab my legs."

"How about you get off of me?"

"Just do it already!"

Itachi grumbled and gingerly placed his hands behind her knees. Lily arched forward and yelped when she almost fell back. She managed to wrap her arms around Itachi's neck at last second, causing him to also produce an odd sound. "God, Itachi!" she snapped, grabbing his hand and placing it more firmly on her thigh. "You're such a girl..." she added in a mutter, shaking her head.

"Just hurry up, or we're switching places," Itachi hissed. Lily ignored him and reached for the camera again, biting her lip.

"I almost...got it...YEEES!" she cheered as her fingers wrapped around the camera. "Okay, you can let me - AGH! ITACHI!"

Itachi had let her fall, but he hadn't factored in that she'd take him down with her. They landed in a jumbled heap on the floor. Just then, Jaye burst into the room with an eager Kisame behind her. They screeched to a stop when they saw what was going on.

Now, before we continue further, let's rewind a little bit. Just minutes before, Kisame had been making his happy blue way down the hall when he heard this: "Lily!"

He stopped at the bizarre sound, because it was Itachi's voice. It was rare that Itachi ever exclaimed anything, so under what pretenses would he be screaming Lily's name?

It's not hard to deduce where his train of thought traveled. He stopped and listened in as the rest of the loud conversation continued.

"It's not like I'm that heavy," Lily said. "Just hold me still."

Kisame heard Itachi grumble something, then Lily shouted, "Just do it already!"

There were sounds of some kind of movement. Lily yelped and Itachi groaned. Kisame had to stuff his fist into his mouth from laughing. Lily screamed, "God, Itachi!"

"Just hurry up, or we're switching places," Itachi said.

"I almost...got it...YEEES!" Kisame was shaking with laughter. First the tattoo, and now this! Never again would he take his partner seriously.

"What the fuck, Kisame?"

The shark-man felt his blood run cold as he looked up at Jaye. He struggled to find an explanation, stumbling over his tongue, but a loud eruption of Lily screaming interrupted whatever sorry excuse he managed to scrape up. Jaye barged into the room when she heard a loud crash, then screeched to a stop when she beheld the sight before her.

Which brings us back to the present.

"You dirty fucking PERVERT!" Jaye accused, pointing at Itachi. "Get off of my mother!"

Kisame snickered.

"What the fuck are you giggling at, bastard?"

His face drained of color. "Oh...nothing...I was just thinking...it brings a whole new perspective to the term 'motherfucker'..."

Itachi blinked at them, then his eyes widened with understanding. He quickly got off of Lily. "Oh, no, this isn't - "

"DON'T SPEAK!" Jaye screeched. She wheeled around to deal with Kisame, but he'd already fled. Aggravated, she turned back to Lily and Itachi. "What the hell?"

"You came in at the wrong time," Lily said.

"What, should I have waited until you weren't _clothed_?" Jaye exclaimed. She groaned and covered her eyes, cursing herself for putting that mental picture in her head.

"Jaye - "

"No, no, I don't want to hear it," she said, storming out of the room. "Just...just...UGH!"

Lily and Itachi glanced at each other. "...This is awkward," Lily said.

Itachi agreed.

oOoOoOoOo

Jaye looked up to see Clari sticking an outstretched hand in her face.

"What?" she growled, still in a sour mood from earlier proceedings.

"You owe me forty bucks," Clari said with a smirk. "Kisame just told me about what happened _and_ I have documentary proof that Lily and Itachi are legally wed."

"What the fuck? How?"

"I made some calls. You know Georgie Thumbman?"

"The guy at our school who has a constellation on his face?"

"Yeah, him. Apparently his uncle is a judge in Vegas, and he knows the guy who married Lily and Itachi. I have the certificate to prove it." She put the fancy piece of paper in front of Jaye's face. "So, forty bucks."

"I can't believe you're besieging me so mercilessly at the time of my greatest weakness," Jaye accused, looking tragic. "I've just been permanently scarred for life, and you're asking me for _money_? And money that's earned from a bet made because of the direct cause of my distress, no less. I'm astounded."

Clari quirked an eyebrow and wiggled her fingers.

Jaye scowled, digging around in her pocket. "Fine, here," she said, slapping a twenty and two tens into Clari's hand. "Just leave me alone to wallow in my misery."

"Okay," Clari said, happily skipping from the room. She paused outside the door. "Besides, I don't see why you're so upset. You're always complaining about how my dad's in the Akatsuki. Now that Itachi is married to Lily, you technically have a stepdad who's in the Akatsuki."

Jaye sprang up with a grin. "That's right! Holy shit, you just made my day! I can't believe I called you a bitch just now!"

"You didn't," Clari commented.

"Oh. Well, never mind then. Thank you!"

Clari rolled her eyes. "Whatever." She skipped down the stairs, cheerfully counting her money. Kakuzu was waiting for her at the bottom. She slapped a ten into his outstretched hand.

"Thank you very much," he said, pocketing it.

"Nay, 'tis who should be thanking you," Clari said. "If it weren't for your exceptional forgery skills, I wouldn't be ten bucks richer right now."

Kakuzu nodded and left to watch television. With a devious smile, Clari pocketed her own twenty dollars, feeling very clever indeed.

oOoOoOoOo

Konan was walking out of her room when Pein stuck something in her face. "What. Is. This?" he asked fiercely, glaring at the thing as though it had committed some capital offense. Konan took a step back so she could assess the item too, taking it from him and turning it around in her hands.

"It looks like...an origami shuriken," she replied.

"I thought so too."

"Why do you have it?"

Pein crossed his arms. "That is a very good question. Someone just threw that paper monstrosity and hit me in the back of the head. And you know what? It was rather irritating."

"Well why - wait, you don't think I threw it at you!" Konan exclaimed, amused.

"I don't know anyone else who does origami," Pein concluded reasonably. He turned to shuriken over in his hands, assessing it. "And the craftsmanship is rather impressive..."

"Even if I did make one, I wouldn't be stupid enough to throw it at you," Konan countered. "It has to be one of the others."

"Well, it's you until you figure out who really did it. And we're leaving in approximately one hour, so I suggest you do it quickly," Pein said, pressing the paper shuriken into her hand before departing down the hall. Konan glowered at the paper, knowing Pein well enough to ascertain that as a direct order. Grumbling, she headed downstairs to find the real culprit and clear her name.

Hidan was storming out of the kitchen when she got downstairs, red in the face. Konan opened her mouth to ask him if he knew anything about the origami shuriken, but he interrupted before she could get anything out. "Don't talk to me!" he shouted, adding, "That bitch! Jashin, smite her...smite her good."

Konan curiously drifted into the kitchen to see what Jaye could have done this time to make Hidan so upset. She found the girl in front of the computer, laughing uncontrollably. Perplexed, she peeked at the screen and saw that she was on YouTube. Jaye noticed her and waved her over. "C-c'mere, you gotta see this," she wheezed, pressing replay on the screen.

The video began with a chorus of violins as Hidan rose from what seemed to be a crater, rugged and scarred from battle. Then he made a ridiculous face and looked back at the camera. Behind him was a solitary reptilian creature that Konan recognized as a dinosaur. In a deep voice, Hidan began to sing:

"_Holy fucking shit,  
><em>It's a dinosaur!<br>_Jesus Christ, what the fuuuck?___

_Oh my fucking God,  
><em>fucking dinosaurs!<br>_Holy shit, what the fuuu-uuck?"___

Jaye collapsed into a new episode of giggles as the screen went black. Konan was dumbfounded. "Do they make videos about us like this all the time?" she asked, shell-shocked.

"Sorry, but yeah," Jaye said honestly.

"I'm guessing this is what Hidan was so upset about."

Jaye rolled her eyes. "Yeah, but not for the reasons you might think. He was mad because they made him say 'Jesus Christ' and 'God.' Now he's got to sacrifice himself to repent, or whatever."

"I'm sorry, but what was the value of that video? What was the point?" Konan inquired.

"Nothing," Jaye said. "Nothing except for a good laugh. Come on, tell me that's not fucking hilarious!"

Konan decided to drop the subject. She held up the shuriken. "Do you know who might of made this? It was thrown at Pein's head, and he thinks it was me."

"I just showed Tobi a video on how to make those. It's really easy, you wanna try?" Jaye offered, turning back to her laptop.

"No, thank you." Konan drifted from the room as a new chorus of _It's a Dinosaur_ blared from the speakers. She found Tobi bent over a table in front of a fair pile of origami shuriken, in the process of meticulously putting another one together.

"What are you doing?" Tobi jumped, flinging the two segments in a dramatic fashion. He turned to Konan, rubbing the back of his neck nervously.

"Hello, Konan-sama. What can Tobi do for you?"

Konan held up her origami shuriken. "Did you make this?"

"Seems like it," Tobi responded after a moment of inspection.

"So this belongs to you?"

"Yes, Konan-sama. How did you get a hold of it?"

"This particular shuriken was thrown at the back of Pein's head," Konan explained, turning the ninja star over in her hands. "And as I'm the only one in the Akatsuki who does origami on a regular basis, he considers the culprit to be me until I find who really committed the offense."

Tobi gasped, completely oblivious to what she was getting at. "That's terrible, Konan-sama! To think that anyone would believe Konan-sama would strike Leader-sama in any way!"

"Tobi," Konan sighed, exasperated. "Did you throw this at Pein's head?"

"Of course not! Tobi would never use his paper shuriken as weapons! Tobi is a good boy!" he exclaimed, horrified at the very idea. Somehow, Konan didn't doubt his sincerity.

"Has anyone shown interest in your shuriken, or perhaps taken one?"

Tobi was silent for a moment, tapping his chin in thought. Then he snapped his fingers. "Deidara-senpai was inspecting one earlier...though he called it a bunch of naughty words..."

"Thank you, Tobi."

"You're very welcome, Konan-sama. Tobi does hope you find the true offender and clear your name." He leaned closer and whispered conspiratorially, "But if it is Deidara-senpai, please break the news to Leader-sama easily. Deidara-senpai is already in trouble since Leader-sama has gotten his memories back, and Tobi fears for his well being."

"That's very...considerate of you," Konan said. "I'll be sure to do that."

Tobi nodded and went back to his work, once more trying to fit the two pieces of paper into a shuriken. Konan departed upstairs to the bedroom that Tobi and Deidara shared, hoping that's where her answer would lie and that this ridiculous detective work would be over with.

Clari was emerging from Deidara's room. "Hey Konan," she greeted cheerfully. "I was just getting ready to make a sandwich. You want one?"

"No, thank you," Konan said. She held out the shuriken. "Do you know who threw this at Pein's head? Someone did, and Tobi said that Deidara had been inspecting the origami shuriken he'd made earlier."

"It couldn't have been Deidara. I've been with him almost all morning...helping him pack," she added defensively after Konan raised her eyebrows.

"Well, if Deidara didn't do it, then do you have any idea who did? As of right now, Pein thinks it was me when it certainly wasn't," Konan said.

Clari frowned. "I dunno...did you ask Lily? Sounds like something she would do."

Konan was inclined to agree that such tomfoolery was within Lily's domain. She thanked Clari and headed off in that direction, lightly knocking on the door before peeking in. She frowned, puzzled, and opened the door farther. "Lily, Itachi...what on earth are you doing?"

Itachi was striking an Egyptian pose while Lily snapped a photo of him, shaking her head in amazement at the camera. "It's incredible, Konan," Lily chortled. "Itachi doesn't show up on film."

"Really?" Konan peered over Lily's shoulder at the screen of the digital camera to see that Itachi was, indeed, not there. The picture was only that of a blank wall. Lily flipped through the photos, a few where there were things in midair.

"I had him hold stuff," Lily explained. She raised her eyebrows as Konan quizzically. "I wonder if you'd show up on camera..." Konan dodged as Lily tried to take a picture. "What's wrong?" Lily said, blinking. She grinned. "Are you camera shy?"

"Of course not, that's rid - LILY!" Konan dropped to the floor as Lily spontaneously attempted to snap a picture, only to fail. She scrambled out of the room with Lily fast behind her, snapping photos at a breakneck pace. Itachi, left alone in Lily's room, bent down to pick up the forgotten origami shuriken.

"Strange," he declared.

oOoOoOoOo

Clari hummed as she prepared her sandwich, bouncing along to some tune in her head. Jaye watched her through narrowed eyes. It was rare that Clari willingly made her cousin a sandwich, particularly when Jaye was closer to the food than she was. Something was amiss. Very, very amiss.

Jaye decided to wait until the sandwich was safely in her hands to address it. "What's got you all giddy?" she inquired, taking a bit out of the sandwich. It was turkey. She liked turkey.

"Ew. Don't say that word," Clari said, wrinkling her nose.

"What, giddy?"

"Yeah, that."

Jaye blinked, momentarily distracted. "Why?"

"Because it's just one of those weird words that make people all squeamish," Clari explained, taking a bite of her own sandwich. "You know, words like moist, tender, plump, lush, caress...they're just...ugh."

"...You're so weird," Jaye established. "Anyway, back to the topic at hand. Why are you so _happy_? You seem like you just took a hit of rainbows and sunshine."

"Must be your imagination," Clari said, getting up. "I feel normal."

Jaye narrowed her eyes again and observed Clari closely, with growing intensity. Then her eyes widened and she tackled her cousin unexpectedly, knocking them both to the ground. "WHAT - THE - HELL!" Clari screamed as she fended off Jaye's hands.

"OH MY GOD!" Jaye cried, raking back Clari's hair and exposing her neck. "YOU'VE GOT A HICKEY!"

Clari stopped and turned bright crimson. She clapped her hands over her neck, hiding the purpling mark. "I do not! You're lying!"

"You do!" Jaye laughed uncontrollably, doubling over from the pain in her sides. "Holy shit...this is fucking hilarious! I can't believe Deidara actually gave you a hickey!" She stopped, and her eyes widened with an epiphany. "That's why you're so giddy!"

Clari flinched. "Ew, I told you not to say that!"

"Hahahahahaha! Clari and Deidara got busy!"

"We did not!" Clari said shrilly, turning redder (if that was even possible).

Konan suddenly scrambled into the room, followed by Lily, who was snapping pictures wildly with the camera. "Come on, Konan, just one little smile!" she pleaded, chasing the blunette about the kitchen, paying no heed to her daughter or niece. The two left as quickly as they arrived, causing more wreck upon the house.

"Just admit it! I'll get a mirror if I have to! You have one right there on your neck!"

"I do not! And get off of me and make me another damn sandwich!"

"Whoa. What's going on in here, un?"

The two girls turned on Deidara in eerie unison, like two predator sharks catching the scent of blood in the water. Jaye grinned evilly. "Deidara!" she exclaimed. "Come see your work of art!"

"Work of art?" Befuddled, Deidara meandered over while Jaye struggled to remove Clari's hands from concealing the bruise.

"Dammit, Jaye, get the hell off of me!"

"Aw, just let the artist see his masterpiece, Clari!"

Eventually the much stronger Jaye managed to pin Clari's hands to the ground, allowing Deidara to bare witness to the hickey he'd inflicted while Clari struggled, her face turning an impossible shade of scarlet from embarrassment and exertion. Deidara's face, on the other hand, turned white as a sheet when he saw it. "Oh shit, Clari, you gotta get that covered up," he said weakly.

"Get what covered up?"

The three teenagers' blood ran cold as they slowly turned to the entrance of the kitchen, where Pein stood with a curious expression. Before the Akatsuki leader had time to move, Deidara had shot out of the kitchen, followed closely by Jaye. Clari scurried off the ground and attempted to sprint after them, but Pein caught her by the scruff of her collar and lifted her off of her feet before she could safely escape.

"Get what covered up?" he repeated, dangerously this time. Clari gulped, and Pein's eyes shifted downward to her neck. His eyes narrowed. "What. Is. That?"

"Um" was the best answer Clari could give.

Konan scrambled into them with a terrified cry as Lily pounced. Irritated, Pein released Clari and caught Konan before she could bump into him. "Konan! Have you found out who threw that shuriken at me yet?" he barked.

"It was...um...it was Deidara!" Konan lied, twisting out of his grasp in her desperation to get away from Lily and the camera of doom. Pein grinned with such chilling sadistic glee that Clari shivered.

"Excellent," he hissed.

oOoOoOoOo

Eventually, the chaotic atmosphere of that day receded to its usual levels. Lily stopped chasing Konan with the camera after Pein promised a group picture; Clari, while she did get grief for her hickey, was in much better shape than Deidara, who was now Pein's little blonde bitch more than ever before; Tobi stopped making origami shuriken and contented himself with the hundred he had, somehow managing to stuff them into his pack. As the masked man passed with his load, Zetsu's black half chuckled with the memory of one of those stars hitting an orange-haired target.

The Akatsuki migrated to the center of the living room, giving the last of their goodbyes.

"We'll see you soon," Pein promised them. "Halloween is right around the corner, is it not?"

Clari gave him a forced smile, recalling last Halloween. "Just be sure to call."

"We will." He turned to Deidara and his soft expression became one of cold, hard steel. "You have exactly one minute," he dictated, stiffly shuffling away to say farewell to Lily. Deidara nervously skittered over, glancing over his shoulder at the hawkish Akatsuki leader.

"I'm scared for my life," he said in complete seriousness. "You're a pain in the ass, you know that, un?"

Clari grinned and wrapped her arms around his waist. "It's your fault for giving me the hickey. And besides, you know I'm worth it." She stood on her tiptoes and gave him a kiss. "You call too," she muttered.

Deidara was preparing a reply when Pein stepped in, karate-chopping them apart. "Time's up," he snapped, sparing Deidara an angry glare. "Go get the rest of the things."

Muttering, Deidara trudged away.

Jaye laughed at his misery, observing the whole ordeal. "Sucks to be him," Hidan said behind her, shaking his head. "At least it'll take some of the heat off of the rest of us. Hopefully."

"Wimp," Jaye accused. After a moment of consideration, she grabbed the front of his cloak and pulled him into a nice long kiss of her own, releasing him after a moment or two. "Don't go fucking any of those Naruto whores," she said, crossing her arms as a dust of pink formed on her cheeks.

Hidan blinked, then his face split into a wide grin. "Why would I? I got one right here."

"What was that, bastard? What did you say? I couldn't hear you!"

"I called you a whore, or do you need me to say it - "

Lily swooped in and slung her arms around his neck, smothering him in a suffocating embrace. "HIDAN! I'M GONNA MISS YOU AND YOUR PRETTY PINK EYES SO MUCH!" she shrieked as Hidan sporadically flailed his limbs whilst he asphyxiated in her bosom.

"Lily," Itachi said evenly, "the timer on the camera has just beeped, so I suggest that everyone gets in formation before it goes off."

"Right!" Lily exclaimed, releasing a gasping, red-faced Hidan. "Everyone, quickly migrate toward the middle of the room, in front of the camera!"

The group tripped and stumbled to the center of the room just as the camera snapped.

It was the strangest picture ever to behold. The group was a mishmash of bodies crowded around the TV. On the left side was Kisame choking Tobi for throwing an origami shuriken at him, while Zetsu grinned devilishly behind them like one of those demented-looking photo bombers. Then there was Itachi, who didn't show up at all, and Konan, who had attempted to hide behind Itachi as the picture was taken and showed up anyway, looking utterly terrified. Lily had stood on her tiptoes to make her look taller than Itachi, also forgetting that he wouldn't show up, and had one hand poised over Jaye's head to give her bunny ears. Jaye was glaring at her mother and simultaneously holding an argument with Hidan, who was still flushed from Lily's hug of death. Clari was the only one who was actually smiling, but even that was only at the sight of Bear flying above the whole congregation with Kira clinging to his back. She wouldn't have been smiling had she noticed Kakuzu plucking twenty dollars out of her pocket. Occupying one of her arms was Deidara, and the other was Pein, who was glaring at the blonde artist with a burning intensity that would put Hell to shame.

Later Lily would get that picture developed (the only picture that she would ever successfully develop without the camera exploding) and hang it in a place of honor on the refridgerator, declaring it a masterpiece of epic proportions. Clari, Jaye, the various members of the Akatsuki would roll their eyes when she said this, but even as the years passed and the photograph grew puckered and yellowed with age, none of them could ever bring themselves to disagree.


End file.
